"Jeez, people are pigs!" Sam said from behind me.
"You can say that again," I replied, looking at a dirty diaper that was stuck in a bush. "Christ, I'm glad I'm wearing gloves!"
Gingerly pulling the diaper from between the branches, I dropped it in one of the two large green trash bags I was dragging along with me. The first was for cans and bottles, the second for any other garbage I found.
"What was it?" Sam asked. "Was it grosser than the nasty sandwich I found that almost made me puke?"
"It was a diaper." Turning to her, I grinned. "With nasty clumps of shit, so I think I'm ahead in the gross competition."
Sam straightened up from the bush she was behind and shrugged. "Okay, I'll give you that one, but only because we're not done yet and I have a feeling I'll find worse."
"We'll see." I pointed. "Remember, winner pays for the next horror movie we check out."
"Then save your money. There's a new crappy-looking zombie thing out next week." Sam laughed. "And this time I want a large popcorn, no cheaping out, Justin."
"If that's the case, I won't go easy on you. I want a slushy and a box of duds."
"You're dating a dud, why would you want a box of them?" Sam grinned, waiting for me to take the bait.
Unable to help it, I said, "At least I'm dating someone. When was your last date?"
"I'd rather be alone than with a bitch," she replied, removing her Red Sox cap and wiping the sweat from her forehead.
"Jen's not a bitch. Why do you always call her that?"
"Because she is. Maybe you'd see it of you'd stop thinking about her tits."
"What can I say?" I laughed. "She has nice tits."
"I know. In fact, everyone knows. It's not like she doesn't flaunt them."
"If you had them, you'd flaunt them." I smirked, knowing it was a touchy subject.
"I have tits!" Sam snapped, biting on my joke. "I just don't strut around showing them off."
"I know," I said, pointing to the pink Red Sox T-shirt she was wearing. "Is that your brother's? It looks too big."
"I dress comfortable, okay?" She walked around the bush, dragging her trash bag behind her along with the backpack she'd brought. "I don't need to show what I have." She gave her head a toss, sending her long brown braid whipping around. "If a guy wants to go out with me, I want it to be because he likes me, not because he likes my ass."
"You have an ass in those jeans? I could have sworn you left it at home."
Sam looked at the back of the baggy black jeans she was wearing.
I laughed. "What are you doing, looking for it?"
"Why are you being a dick to me today?" she asked, her dark brown eyes flashing. "I'm spending my Saturday helping you score brownie points for that little snot, and you're making fun of me!"
"Whoa!" I put my hands up defensively. "Hey, Sam, I'm only busting your chops. Since when did you get so sensitive?"
"I am not defensive." She stopped in front of me and dropped the bag "But I get a little tired of the jokes sometimes, and not just from you." She sighed. "At least you don't call me a dyke."
"I'd never say that," I told her, coming around the bush. "Who said that about you?"
"Those idiots, Joe and Dave." Sam waved her hand. "I should just look at the source and let it go."
"I work with Dave. Next time I see him, I'll tell him to cut the shit or I'll kick his scrawny ass."
"I don't need you sticking up for me," she told me. "Those two idiots are like Beavis and Butthead. They don't matter."
"Matters if you're mad."
"I'm just in a mood, I guess, but what matters is you'd stick up for me." She rolled her eyes. "God knows my brother wouldn't."
"Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"
"Right." Sam looked around the stand of trees in Carson's Park I had volunteered to clean as part of Jen's Earth Day weekend. "And I guess they're for helping to pick up bottles and skeezy trash, too."
"Yeah." Removing my sunglasses, I pulled my shirt up and wiped my face. "I appreciate it, Sam. Tell you what, I'll treat next movie."
She raised her eyebrows. "Large popcorn?"
"Large popcorn, and I'll even splurge for two drinks instead of two straws."
"Ohhh, treat me like that and this girl will get spoiled!" Batting her long lashes at me, she widened her big brown eyes. "Thank you for my own personal soda, Justin! Can I have snowcaps, too?"
"Now you're pushing it."
"Please?" She pushed her lips out in a pout.
"That's not fair," I told her.
"Please, oh, please?" She then made her lower lip tremble, and I sighed dramatically.
"Yes, you can have snowcaps, but we share those."
"Deal!" She clapped her gloved hands and jumped up and down like a little kid.
I laughed. "You're too cute."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you remind me of my little cousin when you do that."
"Oh." She frowned. "I guess there's worse things."
"Well"—I put my hand up, knowing I'd made a mistake—"you're cute in other ways, too. You're pretty."
"Think so?" She looked at me dubiously.
"Oh, yeah. You're real cute. You know, like girl-next-door cute."
"I'll take that." She smiled.
"Yeah, and a lot of guys like that—not hot, but cute."
"You need to learn when to shut up, Justin."
"Sorry, I meant—"
"Want to take a break?" interrupting me. "We're about halfway through. The playground will be a lot quicker, so how about lunch and we finish up in one shot from here?"
I slapped my forehead. "Lunch? Shit, I didn't think of that! You want to take a run down to the—"
"I figured you would." Walking past me, Sam sat underneath a large tree and unzipped the backpack, pulling out a yellow can and tossing it to me. "Yoo-hoo?"
"My favorite!" I caught the can and popped the top as I sat facing Sam under the tree.
"I know," she said, producing a plastic container with two sandwiches in it. "Just like I know Pastrami and cheese is your favorite."
"Spicy mustard?" My mouth watered as I took the container.
"But of course!"
As Sam pulled out a bottle of Mountain Dew and a banana, I removed my work gloves and chugged half the Yoo-hoo.
"Wow, these go down too easy," I said.
"Kind of like Jen," Sam replied, kicking her sneakers off and stretching her long legs out in front of me. "And go ahead and finish it. I brought you two."
"Jen's not a slut, Sam. I told you we've been dating six months and we haven't done anything but make out."
"Didn't say she went down on you," Sam said, just loud enough for me to catch it.
"Really, Sam?"
"Really, Justin." She paused, peeled the banana, and shoved it in her mouth, bobbing her head up and down as if she were blowing it. Then she winked. "Just like that to anyone that pays attention to her."
I didn't answer right away. The sight of Sam easily slipping most of the banana down her throat had caught me by surprise. Not that it should have. Sam not only dressed like a guy, but also had a dirtier mouth and mind then most of the ones I knew. She ruined the image by biting the tip off.
Collecting myself, I went on the defensive. "Look, Jen's like me. She was raised to take sex seriously and that's why we haven't done anything yet. She thinks you should only have sex once you really care about the other person."
"She's a very caring person."
"Knock it off, Samantha!" She was pissing me off at this point.
"Samantha?" She grinned. "You never call me that. Truth hurt?"
"Why do you care? You've done nothing but rag on Jen since I started going out with her. You say she's stuck up and slutty and you barely know her. What's your problem?"
"That I care about you and think you're getting used." Sam took the last bite of the banana and tossed the peel into her backpack. "Look at today. She's this big green freak and says Earth Day is such a big deal, but you're here and where is she?"
"She's in Jamestown cleaning up the cove. She doesn't have a lot of people helping, so she spread us out."
"Yeah, she's spreading all right. My sister says her ex-boyfriend is part of the cleanup. I think he's ..." She snapped her fingers. "At the beach. You can think what you want, but there's no way in hell she isn't fucking Rob and who knows who else. She's using you, Justin, but I guess you'll have to find that out yourself."
I stared at her and frowned. I had heard Jen's ex, Rob, was sniffing around, but whenever I mentioned it she got mad and said I was acting jealous and shouldn't worry. When I'd pushed, Jen had brought up Sam and how much time I spent with her and how she wasn't jealous.
Watching Sam unwrap a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and begin eating, I recalled how I had told Jen that Sam and I had been best friends since middle school, and that we'd never been more.
Jen had insisted that was because that's how I saw it, claiming Sam had a thing for me, that I was too naïve to see it. Just like Sam was telling me I was naïve thinking Jen was waiting for the right time with me.
I was well aware I tended to take people at face value and was a little too trusting; but in these cases I was right. Sam was a good friend and had zero interest in being anything but, just as I had no interest in her as a girl.
I was also sure Jen wasn't fucking around. Unlike me, Jen had been with someone before, and most likely more than just Ron. Then again, I was the only person my age I knew who hadn't been with anyone.
But after my mother had discovered my asshole father had been fucking anything in sight for years, she raised me to believe that sex should be special the first time, with someone who meant something.
I not only agreed with her, but swore to her that I would be a better man than my father and would wait until I met someone special. Not that it had been easy. Although I'd never met anyone who I had a serious interest in until Jen, there had been a few girls who'd made it more than clear we could have some fun.
Sometimes I wondered if I wasn't being an idiot waiting, passing up on some chances for a good time. But my mother was thrilled with my promise to make my first time meaningful and that had pretty much trapped me into keeping my word. There were times I thought I could just fool around and she would never know, but that would make me a lying dog no better than my father.
How many women you screwed didn't make you a man; keeping your word to someone you loved did. And I swore to keep my vow and not be a dog in heat. I did, however, know enough not to tell anyone. That didn't mean I had to advertise the fact I was a virgin, though. Any girl who had been interested in just a good time, I made up the excuse I was dating someone. And I was way too smart to tell any of the guys.
Sam knew because Sam pretty much knew everything about me, just as I knew more about her than her own brother and sister. We'd met in fifth grade when we'd been put together as lab partners and had immediately become good friends. We both enjoyed the same books, movies, and video games, and had the same laid-back personalities. Where we were different was when it came to what people thought about us.
Sam pretty much marched to the beat of her own drummer dressing like a tomboy and watching football and bad horror movies while spending more time around me and my friends than the other girls.
I, on the other hand, wore brand name clothes and took a lot of care with my appearance. Enough for Sam, along with my mother, to teasingly refer to me as a 'pretty boy' who generally tried to put myself out there as cool.
I looked down at Sam's legs stretched out in front of me. Her feet were bare, and my eyes lingered on the butterfly tattoo on the top of her left foot. I let my gaze wander up her long legs, which I had to assume were under the baggy jeans. While she looked to her left watching the kids who were running around the small playground, I focused on her chest.
There was nothing visible in the loose shirt. Not for the first time, I wondered what she had under there. I wasn't interested in the sense that I wanted her, but in the years I'd known her I'd never seen Sam wear anything tight or even slightly revealing.
She never attended any school dances and even when we went swimming a few times she wore shorts and a T-shirt. That was pretty much the only time I'd seen her legs, which although on the slender side, looked pretty good.
I went back to looking at the tattoo. It was colorful and in what I considered a sexy spot, yet she rarely even wore sandals to show it off. Her toenails were painted black, and I noticed a silver ring around her middle toe.
Sam had once commented she had a boyfriend who liked her feet. I idly wondered if that was why she had gotten the tattoo and wore the ring. Not wanting to look like I was staring, I glanced up.
Sam had finished eating and was resting her head against the tree with her eyes closed. I'd meant what I said; she was cute. Sam never wore makeup but didn't seem to need to. Her skin was smooth and her cheeks had a natural color to them, and she had the longest eyelashes I'd ever seen.
Those lashes, along with her huge brown eyes, she used to good effect on me, as well as her older siblings and her father. Her mother had the same eyes and would always tell Sam to knock it off, that she had created that look and was immune to it.
The use of her big eyes was usually coupled with her pushing her lips into a little-girl pout. Sam's lips were full, and I'd once overheard a couple of guys saying she had blow-job lips. I flashed back to a couple of minutes ago when she made a show of blowing the banana and how her lips had looked wrapped around it. I shook my head.
Taking a bite of the sandwich, I looked back down at her foot, wondering what the hell a guy would do with her feet. I moved away from that image, thinking things were getting bad when I was starting to think about Sam's sexual escapades.
But all that would change, and soon. A smile crossed my face at the thought of what I had planned for tomorrow night. Mom and her boyfriend Bill were leaving this afternoon to go visit friends in New Hampshire and wouldn't be home until Monday.
Jen had been hinting that she was getting comfortable enough to want to sleep together, and when I mentioned my mom would be away for the weekend, she asked if I wanted company.
Jen, who was pretty much Sam's opposite was blonde with baby-blue eyes. Whereas Sam was tall and a little on the skinny side, Jen was short with a pair of huge tits that, as Sam had said, she did flaunt. Her ass was damn fine too and she wasn't shy about showing it off.
I couldn't wait to get a look at those tits, to feel them, suck on them, and maybe even get my cock between them like in the dirty movies I got off to every night.
Well, tomorrow night I'd be getting off with the real thing. The idea of having Jen naked in my bed caused my cock to swell. At the same time, a twinge of nerves fluttered though my stomach. Jen didn't know it was my first time.
I supposed I should have mentioned it, but she had experience and I didn't want to look like an idiot. But now that it seemed the time had finally arrived, I was going to be nervous with only porn videos to go by and with a girl who'd done it before. What if I went off quick or didn't get her off quick enough? What if—
"Why are you staring at my foot?"
I looked up. "Huh?"
"You keep looking at my feet." Sam wiggled her toes. "Something wrong with them?"
"No, they look fine."
"You think my feet are fine?" She laughed. "You have a foot fetish?"
"Of course not!" Not wanting to be teased, I turned the conversation in another direction. "So why do you do that?"
"What?" She frowned, looking at her feet. "The tattoo?"
"Yeah, that and the nails and the ring. You hardly ever wear sandals, even when it's hot, so what's the point?"
"The point is I know it's there and I like how the ring looks." Sam shrugged. "I do it for me, not anyone else."
I grinned at her. "What about foot boy?"
"I didn't get the tattoo for him. I had just gotten it when I met him." She winked. "But he said it made a hell of a bull's-eye."
"Eww!" I scrunched my face up. "TMI!"
Sam giggled. "But anyway, it's about what's on the inside, Justin—not the outside."
"I get that with feelings and stuff, but why does it matter with looks?"
"Because vain people are shallow people." Sam reached out and put her hand on my leg. "But you're different, though. You dress like the cool jerk, but you're a great guy."
"I don't dress like—"
"Bullshit!" She pointed at my sunglasses. "How much were those things?"
"A hundred, but they're Foster—"
"Mine came from the dollar store and they do the trick." She pulled on my shorts. "What brand are these?"
"They're—" I started, but she continued.
"And that's an Abercrombie and Fitch T-shirt you're wiping your sweaty face on. What was that, thirty dollars? And you're wearing it to clean up a park." Pointing at her shirt, she said, "This shirt was ten dollars and the jeans were the same on sale. My whole outfit with my sneakers is less than your damn shorts."
"It shows." I smirked.
The look on Sam's face told me I'd made a mistake, and she quickly made me pay for it. "You would never have made that crack before you started going with Jen."
"Oh, come on! I'm just busting your chops."
"Oh, that's all? Okay, how about this one? I dress like a poor tomboy and you're mister GQ, pretty boy, but which one of us is still a virgin?"
"What the hell kind of crack is that?" I put the sandwich down. "What's that got to do with anything?"
"Well, you think I'm so plain and dress so crappy, but I've had a couple of guys who had no problem wanting to get to know me better."
"So what? I've had chances, but I promised my mother I'd try to do it the right way. You decided to spread your legs when you had the chance."
"Are you saying I'm a slut?"
"Of course not! You know better than that. But you know that's a touchy subject with me."
"But you never think anything bothers me." Sam waved her hand disgustedly at me. "You really do treat me like a guy."
"I ... I treat you like a friend. Since when do I need to treat you all girly?"
"You don't, but then again you've never treated a girly have you?" She raised her eyebrows after that one, as if daring me to top it.
"Guess you got me on that one," I said with a casual shrug. "But tell you what, how about you ask me again after this weekend?"
Sam's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means, I just might..."
My phone went off and I couldn't help smiling when "You don't know You're Beautiful" blared from it. It was Jen. The timing couldn't have been better.
"Like she doesn't think she's beautiful." Sam muttered
"Hey, sweetie." I bit my lip not to laugh at the disgusted look on her face.
"Hey, hot stuff!" Jen chirped in my ear. "How goes park detail?"
"Halfway," I told her. "It'll be done in a couple hours."
"Wow! That was quick!"
Hopefully she wouldn't be saying that in my ear in bed, I thought, but said, "I have some help."
"That's great! More the merrier! I'm surprised you could rope any of your friends into getting up on Saturday morning."
"They didn't. Sam's helping me out." Even as I said it, I wondered why I brought her up.
"Sam?" Jen laughed. "I can see that. She doesn't look like the kind of girl who minds getting her hands dirty. Probably didn't even have to worry about what clothes to wear. She looks like that every"
"Jen." I turned around, putting my back to Sam and speaking lower. "I've told you about that. Why do you always pick on her?"
"Why do you always defend her?"
"Because she's my best friend."
"Men and women can't be best friends. One of them always ends up wanting it to be more."
"Wise for your eighteen years," I told her.
"It's true." She sighed. "You hang with her because she's like a guy, but without the attitude, and she hangs with you because she ... well, she proves my point."
"That again? Come on, Jen. I've told you Sam's just a buddy."
"You see it that way. But anyway, thank you so much for helping me with this, Justin! Earth Day's in the middle of the week, so this Saturday is really the best chance we had to get a lot done."
"No problem." Sensing movement, I looked over my shoulder to see Sam slipping her sneakers back on. "So, what are you doing tonight? My mom is leaving in a few hours."
Sam got up and putting her Red Sox cap on backwards she grabbed her trash bag and headed for another clump of bushes leaving the backpack behind.
"Well, seeing it's going to take a good part of the day up here, we thought we would make the most of it and throw a little party, make a fire, hang out, have some fun."
"Really?" Recalling Rob was there, I felt more than a twinge of unease. "How about I come up?"
"Well ..." Jen paused, and the twinge grew into a twisting sensation in my stomach.
"Well, what?"
"Look, Justin, sometimes I just want to hang out with friends and, you know, not always be with someone."
"What's that supposed to mean?" I said, raising my voice and glancing over at Sam to see if she had noticed, but she was on her knees pulling beer bottles out from underneath the bushes.
"Hey, don't get mad, baby," Jen purred. "I just want to chill with some people I haven't seen in a while, okay?"
"I just figured—"
"Now, tomorrow, on the other hand," she said, giggling, "rumor has it my hot boyfriend is going to have his place all to himself until the next day. Hmmm."
My jealousy was quickly replaced by another twinge, but this one lower than my stomach.
"You know, Justin, you've been so sweet about waiting for me, I think it's time you and I got a lot closer."
"You do?" It wasn't exactly smooth, but I couldn't think about anything but Jen in my bed looking up at me with those big blue eyes, her naked body moving against mine.
"I do, baby. I have some things to do in the morning, but how about I come over around three?"
"Yeah, that sounds great."
"I'll see you then, baby." Jen released a sweet sigh into the phone that caused my cock to throb and added, "I'm going to so make it worth you waiting."
Jen had no idea how long I had really waited. Grinning like an idiot, I said, "I'm sure you'll more than make it up to me."
"Oh, I will, and I have to thank you for your help today, too, so I'll have to find something fun to wear, and come up with a proper way to show my appreciation."
I was hard as a rock from just her talking about coming over and had to adjust my shorts around my aching dick.
"Justin, speaking of your help ... You know there's a little competition going on at school for which team can do the most clean-up this weekend?"
"Yeah."
"Well, seeing you're going to get done so early, would you mind doing that little playground over on Smith Street?"
"Um, well, I was thinking of—" I started.
"Please, baby? I'll be ever so grateful."
"Well, maybe—"
"I'll give you a special treat." She gave that cock-stirring giggle again.
"Treat?" I repeated. Please mean what I think you mean!
"Sure, I figure if you're going to clean for me I should get all dirty for you." She sighed. "I've been thinking about giving you a nice blow job for awhile now, would that be a good reward?"
"I—hell, yeah!" I exclaimed, not caring if I sounded like an excited little kid.
"Yeah, baby, you want to feel these lips before those lips?" Jen laughed. "I do like to suck cock. Hopefully you'll return the favor, you know, a kiss for a kiss."
"That would only be fair," I said, trying to sound more casual.
"I'm all about fair, Justin. But I just called to say hi and see how you were making out. I'll see you tomorrow."
"I look forward to it," I replied. But she had already ended the call.
"Goddamn." I put the phone back on the clip at my hip and forced myself to stand up.
Keeping my back to Sam, I adjusted the bulge in my shorts and turning, I picked up the container covering the remaining sandwich and slipped it into the backpack.
I slung it over my shoulder and I tried not to let my mind run wild with thoughts of what tomorrow would bring. A blow job before sex would get me off the hook for being quick. I wondered if Jen would swallow or spit, or maybe jack me off on her amazing tits.
I took a deep breath, pushing thoughts of Jen from my mind. I needed to start helping Sam before she started bitching, and do it without an obvious hard-on. My mind already on oral sex, I thought of what Sam had done with the banana and caught myself wondering if she swallowed? The thing about Sam was that if I asked, she would probably answer me, and fairly crudely.
Sam got upset when she was considered one of the guys, but she brought it on herself with the way she dressed and her language. Some of my friends and I had debated whether she was a freak or all talk. Personally, my feeling was she would be a wild ride, but not with just anyone. Sam had been with two guys that I knew of and had dated both for months before putting out.
"Hey! Helping is one thing, but I'm not doing this shit by myself," she called out.
"That what you told your last boyfriend?" I joked. A quick check showed my cock was under control. I turned around in time for her retort.
"Coming from the king of doing it himself?"
"Laugh it up, Sam. You won't be able to make those jokes after tomorrow."
"What do you mean?" She stood up from the bush she was in front of and wiped the dirt from her jeans.
"That was Jen. She's coming over tomorrow afternoon, and she's ready."
"She's always ready," Sam quipped, but she didn't smile. Instead, she turned serious. "You sure she's not messing with you? She promised you last month, too, remember? Then all of a sudden she needed to do something with her parents."
"That was different. She told me after that she was just nervous. Nope, tomorrow is the day, Sam."
"Are you sure you want to with her, Justin? I don't think she's really into you."
"All that matters is I'll be into her." I laughed, walked over to the tree on my right and removed a beer bottle that was stuck in a small hole.
"Cute, that's just the attitude your mother doesn't want you to have."
"Don't give me that crap!" She was getting on my nerves again. "I've been with Jen for six months. She does care and she does want to."
"I'm sure she wants to, Justin. You're a good-looking guy who treats her better than she deserves. But I don't think she cares."
"Of course you don't. You don't like her."
"I don't think you care that much about her either."
"What?"
"You like her, but do you love her? Every time you talk about her, it's about how hot she is, not about how sweet or nice she is. I think you're just getting horny and don't want to wait anymore."
"I care about Jen." I didn't say it with as much force as I should have.
I did like Jen. I really liked her, but did I love her? Did I know what love was? Hell, I was eighteen. 'Really like' was close enough, and I'd been good long enough. Besides, maybe once we slept together it would take us to that next level.
"I don't believe you." Sam picked up a can and tossed it in the bag. Sighing, she walked over to me. "Justin, I know you're tired of me teasing you, and I'm sorry."
"It's okay, Sam." I shrugged. "That's what friends are for. We tease each other, you make virgin cracks, and I make tomboy jokes."
"Yeah, but the thing is I admire you for it. I really do."
"You do?" I raised my eyebrows waiting for the punch line.
"I do. Not so much about the sex, but the fact you made a promise to be a certain type of man, and you are." She put her hand on my forearm. "Forget about tomorrow. She's not the one."
"Oh, come on!" I rolled my eyes. "You know what, Sam? Maybe you're right that I'm not madly in love, but I do like her and we have been together a while and ... Maybe this will bring us closer."
"You should love the person first."
"Did you?" I turned it around on her, "Were you in love with that dink, Jack? Were you in love with Derek?"
"No, but I never promised I would wait and ..." She shook her head. "I ... settled, for both."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"If we're going to talk, I'm getting in the shade."
Sam sat down under the tree I had pulled the bottle from and I joined her, sitting in front of her.
"Don't get me wrong, Justin. There was something there. Jack and Derek were both nice to me, but it wasn't love. But, well, I figured both times, what am I waiting for? A Family Channel romance? Some perfect guy? So I decided to just have some fun. I guess that's what it was because neither worked out."
"So you knew you didn't love them?"
"Right."
"Then what the hell is your problem with me and Jen?" I said, putting my hands out. "You're being a damn hypocrite."
"I ... I guess you're right, but I never planned on it being that special, and at least those guys were serious with me. Jen is using you. It's a game to her. Why tomorrow? What's she doing tonight?"
"She's ... going to stay up at the beach and hang with—"
"Rob. Justin, Jen's fucking around with him."
"You—"
"And I'm sure she will come over tomorrow and fuck you because she does want to, but that's all it would be and your first time will be sloppy seconds and—"
"Why the hell do you care so much?" I yelled at her. "Jesus Christ, Sam, give it a fucking break and just be happy I'm happy!"
"I care because you're too good for that, Justin, and there's better than her out there. If nothing else, girls like Jen are a dime a dozen down the line, but you wanted the first time to be special."
"It will be."
"Then why not wait a little longer? Dump that bitch and—"
"I'm not waiting! Why the hell do you think I can do so much better? Never mind. I'm not starting over and wondering how long it would be with someone else."
"You can do better because you deserve better." Sam looked down at the ground and looked as if she were trying to decide what to say next. A first for her.
Raising her head, she said softly, "Justin, on the outside, you're a hell of a good-looking guy, especially like this." She tousled my thick black hair. "I like your hair like this, not the way you put all that goop in it most of the time. And how many girls tell you how gorgeous those green eyes are?"
I grinned. "Quite a few."
"And you played baseball and football." She put her hand on my arm and squeezed. "You were a skinny little geek when we first met. Now look at you."
I laughed and made a show of flexing my arm. "I do work out."
"And it's pretty obvious, but—"
"You checking me out?"
I meant it as a joke, but Sam blurted out, "Of course not! I ... I don't look at you like that. I was just trying to ... make a point."
She looked away, but not before I noticed she was blushing, which was definitely a first.
"Are you blushing?"
"No! I'm hot!" She removed her hat and wiped her forehead.
"Nah, just cute, remember?" I joked.
"Trust me, Justin, I know I'm not hot." She sounded irritable.
"Hey! I was kidding!"
"But Jen is, and for what it's worth? I never thought you'd be the kind of guy to go for just that."
"I like her for other reasons."
"Yeah, the two big ones hanging out of her shirt. You're different around her, Justin. When you're with me and Jim and the rest of our friends, you're you, and when you're with her, you're ... a conceited jerk."
"I am not!"
"Whatever." Sam stood up. "The point I was getting at was even though you're good-looking and popular, you're a sweet guy, and that's pretty rare at our age. That's the best part about you, and that's why you deserve better. Jen is just a shallow bitch."
"You're more than that and deserve more. Now, I've told you how I feel and you don't really care, but at least I said it. Hope you have fun tomorrow." She grabbed the bag and turned away from me, ending the conversation.
I thought about defending myself, but why bother? Once Sam dug in, nothing changed her mind. She'd made a good point about how I really cared about Jen, but I wasn't about to cancel tomorrow. By her own admission Sam hadn't been gung-ho over the guys she had been with. She was fine with it. Why shouldn't I be?
For the next half hour, we moved about the bushes and trees in silence except for the sounds of bottles and cans clinking together. I felt like an ass. Sam was helping me out and I had treated her like crap. Granted, she had been badgering me, but what else was new?
In my mind, I heard my mother's voice and one of her famous overused lines, 'If it bothers you, it's because the truth hurts.' Mentally telling my mother to shut up, I glanced up from the bushes, relieved to see we had almost reached the end of the small stand of trees that bordered one side of the playground.
"Hey," Sam called out, "looks like I earned that movie after all."
"I told you I was treating for you helping," I told her, glad she had spoken and still wanting to keep up our movie tradition.
"Doesn't matter, I'd win the gross-out anyway."
Turning around, I watched her pick up a stick and poke at something in the grass.
"What is it, something dead?"
"No, but not only pretty gross, but very fitting. Here!"
Sam flicked the stick towards me and something landed at my feet. I looked down to see a condom, an obviously used condom.
"That is nasty! Why is it ironic? Because I'll need some for tomorrow?"
"No, because it's just like you, used."
"Real nice, Sam." I forced myself to not raise my voice. "Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because it's obvious, Justin, and I can see what's right in front of me."
Before I could respond, she released a long sigh. "Too bad you can't see what's right in front of you."
* * * * *
I lay on the couch dozing on and off while the Sox were getting their asses handed to them by the Blue Jays. It was only eight thirty, but after spending hours in the sun cleaning the parks, I was exhausted.
When Sam and I finished Carson's, she had asked where I was off to. Knowing I was going to hear about it, I told her Jen had asked me to clean up the other playground. Sam gave me a 'what a sap' look, but to my surprise offered to help.
The park was pretty small. Because it was in the middle of a neighborhood, it wasn't the drinking, partying hangout Carson's was and only took us an hour. After that, I treated Sam to a sundae at Dairy Queen and then dropped her off at her house.
Her mother was on the porch and invited me in, but I told her I needed to go home and shower. Fact was, in addition to being hot and tired, Sam's older sister Brenda was there, and she rode me about Jen even harder than Sam did. In fact, since I'd been with Jen, Brenda, whom I'd always gotten along well with, had been downright rude to me most of the time.
I got home just before Bill picked Mom up and was happy to see how excited she was to be going away. She asked for the hundredth time if I was comfortable with her being with Bill and I told her I was thrilled for her.
That was no lie. My father was an asshole who my mother wasted way too many years with, and I was sure a lot of that time was for my sake. Bill was a good guy who seemed to go out of his way to do all the little things for Mom that Dad never did. For the most part he was the opposite of my prick father, which made him okay in my book.
In the span of the half hour we were home together, Mom asked several times if I was seeing Jen. I was pretty sure she suspected I was glad she was going away for reasons other than her happiness. That suspicion was confirmed when Mom hugged me goodbye and said,
"I'm proud of you, Justin. You're only eighteen but more of a man than your father ever was. He was already a dog in heat by your age. I don't know what I was thinking when I married him. But you're not like him, and I'm sure Jen sees that and knows how special you are." She paused and with a sly smile added, "I think you've proved yourself a good man. Maybe it's time you were rewarded for it."
After she left, I did a few things around the house she'd asked me to do to get them out of the way, showered, and threw on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt. I figured I would just chill tonight and watch some TV. Lying there, I replayed Mom's words and couldn't help smiling.
I had no doubt that was Mom's green light to go for it, without being awkward about it. Her words had put me in a better mood. Because of my father's bullshit, I had promised Mom that I would be better and hold to values he never had, but she had officially let me off the hook.
Not that I wouldn't have had Jen over tomorrow anyway, but Mom giving me her blessing removed any feelings that I wasn't doing the right thing.
She was right. I had earned it, sitting home whacking off while all my friends had already been getting laid and having fun. Even Sam, the indifferent tomboy who didn't give a rat's ass what she looked like or what people thought of her, had found guys to mess around with.
I frowned at that last thought. It wasn't a good one, especially seeing how good a friend Sam was. I'd never once thought I was better than her or anyone else, but that was what it felt like. It also sounded like something Jen would say when making fun of other people, which she did frequently.
Sam had made that remark today, that I was different around—
I jumped when my cell rang from the coffee table in front of me. Grabbing it, I saw it was Jim, who after Sam was pretty much my closest friend.
"Hey, what's up?" I answered. "You got nothing better to do on a Saturday night besides calling a guy?"
"Hey, Justin." He didn't sound happy. "Hey, man, I need to talk to you."
"What about? I—" I stopped when I heard several people laughing and yelling in the background. "Where are you?"
"I'm at Mackerel Cove in Jamestown."
"Mackerel Cove? Hey, Jen was up there today."
"She still is. That's why I called you."
"What's going on?" I sat up on the couch.
"Look, Justin, this really sucks for me because you know you're my bud, but I'd be an asshole if I didn't say anything."
"About what?" I felt my stomach tighten. "What's going on?"
"Me and Josh ran into Jen and her friends up here when they were cleaning. She said if we helped out we could hang out with them at her uncle's house on the beach, and party. So that's where we are now and ... Justin, you know Rob is up here, right?"
"I ..." I took a deep breath. "Jim, get to the point."
"Point is, Jen was drinking from the time we got to the house at five and she was out of control. Hanging on all the guys, dancing around. Shit, she took her top off at one point."
"Jim, are you fucking with me?" Even though I was pretty sure I knew the answer, I had to ask.
"Justin, we've been friends since fourth grade. You think I'd joke about this?"
"No, I ..." I swallowed hard. "What about Rob?"
"Well, after she pretty much cock teased most of the guys there with some bumping and grinding. She pretty much gave him a damn lap dance, then grabbed a bottle of Captain someone brought, and the two of them went into the house."
I closed my eyes and rubbed my throbbing temple. Jim was right; there was no way I would think he would lie to me about this.
"Hey, you there?"
"Yeah," I said softly. "She knows you and I are friends and she did it anyway."
"I said something to her and she said for me not to be a bitch and say anything."
"I can't believe this."
"Yeah, well, believe it, because then she told me if I was a good boy and didn't tell you, she'd hook up with me next weekend up here and she'd make it worth my while."
"She ... what?"
"She was drunk, so maybe she didn't mean it, but you should have seen her, Justin. You never wanted to hear it, but I knew she was a little wild—but man, there was a point I thought she was looking for a damn gang bang."
"Did you tell her you were calling me?"
"No. I didn't want to get her going, but she made a couple of cracks earlier that she was going to be staying at your house tomorrow night. According to her, you've been good and she figured she would throw you a bone."
"Throw ... me ... a ..." My temple was throbbing harder, my shock having turned to anger.
"I feel like a dick doing this over the phone, but I'm stuck up here with Josh and we're hanging at his cousin's tomorrow. I wanted you to know before she saw you tomorrow."
"I ... I don't know if I can say thanks," I said in disgust.
"I get it. But we're tight, Justin, and this is bullshit. Dude, I don't care how hot she is, I wouldn't fuck that slut with someone else's dick. Who the hell knows where she's been?"
"I know where she won't be," I told him. As bad as I wanted to finally get laid, there was no way in hell I would get used like this.
"Good, and if she asks, you can tell her I told you."
"She'll figure it out. I'll call her tomorrow. I don't even want her coming here."
"Don't blame you." Jim sighed. "Not for nothing, but a couple of us told you she was stringing you."
"I'm glad you told me, Jim, but I don't need I told you so right now, okay?"
"That's cool man. I won't bring it up again." He laughed.
"What the hell is so funny?"
"I was just thinking I won't have to say I told you so, and neither will anyone else. Fucking Sam will be telling you that for the next six months. She had that bitch pegged from day one."
"Thanks for giving me that to look forward to," I told him dryly. "Thanks again, Jim. Now go try to have some fun."
"Yeah, I will. You be cool, bro, okay? She's not worth anything stupid and there are plenty of girls who have a thing for you. Hey! Justin, you should give Cindy a call! She's told you point-blank she wants to fuck around with you."
"Cindy's ... kind of slutty."
"So what? She wants to fuck, then go ahead and do it. Get yourself over this bitch and have some fun. You got her number, call her! You got the house to yourself. Imagine waking up to her in the morning!" He whistled into the phone. "I think she's home tonight, too, so give her a call."
I pictured Cindy with her long red hair, perfect little ass, and perky tits, and recalled her telling me, "Screw Jen, Justin. I'm a hell of a lot more fun than that stuck-up bitch."
"You know, maybe I will."
I ended the call without saying goodbye and sat back against the couch. I couldn't believe Jen had done this to me. I wasn't sold on the idea that she and I would be in it for the long haul, but I hadn't thought I was going to be part of a rotation.
I felt like a fucking loser. She was probably fucking Rob's brains out right now and planning on showing up here tomorrow like nothing had happened.
I briefly considered letting Jen come by and fucking her anyway. I had been so close to my first time. At this point I would know it didn't mean anything, but it would still be sex.
No, I wouldn't let her laugh at me like that. Jim was right. Cindy had been flirting with me since tenth grade. One phone call and she would be on her way. Again, it would mean nothing. Cindy was a big-time party girl who just liked to screw around. But unlike Jen, Cindy would point-blank say all she wanted was fun, so it wasn't as if I'd be using her or getting used.
Used. How many times had Sam said that to me just today, never mind over the last six months? She'd been absolutely right. Now I felt even worse. I'd been shitty with her earlier. I rubbed my eyes. To my dismay, I felt tears. I could act mad all I wanted to, but I was hurting. I should have fucking known not to trust Jen. She was nothing like me or the rest of my friends.
In a way, I had been like my father, thinking with my cock—not my head—and acting like a jerk just to be with her, in the hope of eventually getting some. I'd have gotten some all right. Some of Rob. Some of whoever she had been with last night.
I wiped my eyes again and realized I wasn't hurt as much as I was frustrated. I'd made good on my promise to my mother, and in all honesty I was proud that I had tried to do it the right way by finding someone I could say I loved, someone to make it special with.
For all the good it did me.
I'd made the mistake of waiting for a girl who was only waiting to 'throw me a bone' while sucking everyone else's. Now I was back at square one.The thought of meeting someone, dating them for a while, and seeing if they were the one was out of the question. I was done with that shit. Time to do what Jim and all my other friends had been doing for the last couple of years. Get fucking laid.
I scrolled through my contacts looking for Cindy's number, when I thought about Sam. Even though I was not in the mood to hear her tell me how right she was, I owed her an apology and wanted to get it over with.
Fact was, Sam was usually the first person I called when I was pissed off or upset about anything, and I was the one she always came to when she was in the same boat. I hated to dump stuff on her. But like she always said, that's what friends were for.
She answered on the second ring. "Hey, lover boy, what's up?"
"Listen, Sam, I—"
"You need help cleaning another park tonight to make sure you get your piece tomorrow?"
"Thanks, Sam." I said, "That's not what I needed to hear right now."
"Sorry, did I say that out loud?"
"You say everything out loud," I said softly. "But don't worry; I didn't call to ask you for anything."
"Hey, everything okay?" she asked. "You don't sound good."
"I'm not. I just got some bad news."
"Oh, shit! I'm sorry, Justin! I feel like a jerk! What happened, are you okay?"
The sincere concern in her voice made me feel even worse. Not just for earlier today, but for doubting that she had been looking out for me all along with Jen.
"I guess. I mean it's nothing that serious, I guess."
"What is it?"
"Jim called me. He's at a beach party in Jamestown. The same one where Jen is and ..."
"And what?"
"Sam, you were right. Jim said Jen was slutting around cock teasing all the guys and that her and Rob went into her uncle's house to fuck around."
"Holy shit! And right in front of him? " "Yeah. She ... she was even telling people she was going to do me tomorrow. She said she figured she would throw me a bone."
"Oh, wow. That's crappy, Justin. I'm really sorry."
"Are you? You called it all along."
"I ... I guess I'm not sorry in one way because this would have been worse if you found out after you slept with her, but I'm sorry for you."
"I'm sorry too, Sam. I'm sorry I was an ass today, and I ... I've been one since I met her."
"Don't be sorry. I know you were caught up with her. I think you were more focused on just trying to have the first time and getting to where you were thinking more about the act than the girl. But you don't owe me an apology."
"Yeah, I do. I guess I wasn't sold either and whenever you brought it up, I was a jerk and took it out on you."
"Hey, that's what friends are for. Besides, I rode you a lot about it." She paused. "Justin, are you okay?"
"I—no, Sam, I'm not. I'm pissed off and I'm fucking humiliated! She's up there fucking around and telling people I'm next. Are you kidding?"
"That's pretty low. I didn't think she was that bad."
"Jim said she was drinking and these are her friends, so who knows? But I—"
"It hurts," Sam finished. "I don't blame you."
"And I'm fucking frustrated!" I snapped. "I've been good, Sam, I really have, and tomorrow was supposed to be the day!"
"I know, but would you have wanted it to be with her and then you find that shit out?"
"I ... you know what? Maybe I would have."
"What?"
"Yeah, damn straight!" I was letting the anger get the better of me. "At least if I found out later I would have gotten laid!"
"Yeah, but—"
"And I made a promise about the first time. Once I do it I don't have to think about that stupid promise anymore! I can just go have some real fun like I should have been doing!"
"Justin, that promise is one of the things that make you such a good guy! You're a lot different than—"
"I don't want to be!" I yelled. "I don't want to be an asshole like my dad, but Christ, Sam, there's nothing wrong with having sex! I've missed out on a lot of fun, but know what? No more! I had my heart set on this weekend and I'm getting it!"
"Whoa! Justin, you're not going to still let Jen come over, are you?"
"Fuck her!" I laughed humorlessly. "No—wait—she's fucking everyone else! No, not her."
"Good, but then what do you mean you're still going to?"
"I'm going to call Cindy and—"
"Cindy Reed?" Sam gasped. "Come on, Justin! She'll fuck anyone. May as well as be with Jen."
"She will fuck anyone. That's the point. And she's not like Jen because she doesn't pretend she wants anything except to get laid! She's all but jumped me before. I'm going to call her when I hang up with you and—"
"Justin, don't do that!"
"Why the hell not? I'll get what I want. Cindy will get what she wants. What's the problem?"
"Your first time shouldn't be that meaningless, not after how long you tried to make it a certain way."
"Fuck that! I tried the right way. I blew off girls who would have because I didn't think they would be serious, and then I get this close and it falls through. I waited long enough to keep my stupid promise to my mother."
"That promise was sweet, not stupid."
"Fine—stupid, sweet—pick what you want. My mother even made a crack that she knows I'm going to while she's away. I will. It just won't be with who she thinks it will be."
"You'll lie to her?"
"I don't think she'll actually ask, Sam. Mom doesn't want to know the details. I'll tell her next week Jen was screwing around on me, then I'll move on and she won't care if I start dating around."
"Is that what you want to do, Justin? Go from girl to girl like your father?"
"Don't pull that shit with me, Sam! I'm not my father! He used women. I won't be using anyone. I'll just hook up with girls just looking to hook up."
"Justin, please think about it first. The summer's coming and you'll be at the beach a lot, and we start PC in September. You'll meet a lot of new girls and—"
"I am not waiting!" I shouted. "I'm not waiting to meet someone, then dating until I see how I feel about them. That could take months! Fuck that!"
"Justin, please calm down. You don't have to yell at me."
"I ... I'm sorry, Sam. I'm not mad at you, but I am mad, and worse, I feel like an idiot, and there's no reason to deny myself having some fun. Sorry if it disappoints you and what you want for me."
"I ... I'm not disappointed about Jen," she said quietly. "And I'm not disappointed in you that you waited. I'm proud of you. Honestly, Justin, I'm upset with myself for not waiting for the right guy."
"And you could still be waiting. At least you had fun and know what it's like. Besides, you used to sit there sometimes and tell me how good Derek was to the point I would tell you to knock it off because you were aggravating me."
"Well, all the guys talked about their girlfriends. Why shouldn't I?" Then she asked, "Why did it bother you?"
"Because I wasn't getting any! You acted like you never cared and you never even tried to impress a guy and you were doing it! Anyway, I called to say I was sorry and to let you know what happened and that you were right. Now I'm going to call Cindy and see—"
"Justin, please don't! Please?"
She sounded more upset than I was, and with a sigh I asked, "Sam, why the hell do you care? You cared about it being Jen and now I see why, but Cindy isn't going to break my heart. I know what I'll be getting, and that's laid."
"Justin, we're friends, right?"
"You're my best friend, Sam. You know that. That's why I called. I ... I needed to vent and tell someone what happened."
"I'm glad you did. Now I am going to ask you a favor."
"I'm not waiting, Sam!" I shook my head as if she could see me. "No way."
"Justin, you're mad, hurt, and frustrated. You don't want to do it like this."
"I—"
"Let me finish. It's only nine o'clock and it's Saturday night. Neither of us have to work tomorrow, so how about I come over and hang out for a while?"
"Sam, no offense, but you're not the girl I'm looking to spend tonight with."
"I ... I know that. You've made it clear I'm not that girl." She sounded put off, but kept going. "Like I said, tonight you're angry, and you should at least calm down. So how about this? I'll come over and on the way I'll stop and grab some popcorn and a couple of cheesy horror movies. We'll just hang out and have some laughs."
"Sam—"
"I promise no 'I told you so,' no 'you should have known better,' and I promise I won't try to talk you out of Cindy."
"You won't? Not sure I believe that."
"I promise. If you want to talk about it, we will. If not, just you and me eating popcorn and making up dialogue for the crappy movies. Just like we used to do before you started dating Jen."
"Yeah, but—"
"And tomorrow, once you've calmed down, if you still want to call Cindy, then go ahead. But I'm asking you to at least take one night to think about it, and I'll keep you company so you're not stewing over it. How's that?"
"I ... I don't know, Sam."
"Please, Justin? Consider it a favor to me."
I closed my eyes and thought about it.
She had a point that right now I was pissed. If I did have Cindy over, it might not be as much fun as it should be. I'd waited this long. One more night wouldn't make a difference. After brushing her off for Jen so much in the last six months, I did owe Sam something.
"Okay. You're right. I'm probably better off with a friend than a slut right now." I laughed. "Too bad I couldn't find a friendly slut!"
"Yeah, too bad. Guess you'll just have to settle for me."
"I'm not settling," I told her, feeling much calmer. "I'd rather spend time with you right now anyway, Sam. You've never let me down and I appreciate you coming over."
"That ... that means a lot, Justin. More than you know. You've helped me as much as I've helped you, you know."
"That's what friends are for, right?" I laughed.
"That's right, Justin. Good friends will do anything for each other. I'll be there in an hour."
* * * * *
I looked up when I heard Sam's car pull up and getting off the couch walked over to let her in. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see Sam wearing the long black leather coat she had gotten for Christmas.
Granted, it was April and it had cooled down quite a bit, but it wasn't that cold. The second thing that caught my attention was that her long brown hair, which was usually in a braid or a ponytail, was down.
"Hey, Justin!" She held up a bag. "I grabbed a couple of oldie, but not so goodies. I got the Alien Dead and Ghost House. I figured they would be good for some laughs. Got popcorn, too!"
"Um, okay," I said as she pushed past me.
I was surprised when I smelled perfume. I wasn't sure what brand it was, but it smelled pretty damn good.
Sam walked into the living room. At the sound of something clicking on the floor. I looked down. "Wow, what's with those shoes?" I asked, staring at the red heels she was wearing. They were high enough that I wondered how she could walk in them, and had straps that wrapped around her ankles.
As I stared at the shoes, it dawned on me I could see her calves. "Are you wearing a dress?"
"Maybe I felt like dressing up." She turned to face me. "It is Saturday night, after all."
"But you're hanging out with me," I said, closing the door behind me and approaching her. "Usually, you're dressed in—" I stopped and stared at her face, taking in her deep red lips.
"What's the matter?"
"You're wearing make-up!" In addition to her lipstick, Sam's eyelashes looked longer and thicker than usual, she was wearing eye shadow, and her cheeks had more color to them.
"So?"
"Sam, were you going out tonight? Because if you were, you don't have to hang with me."
"Maybe I dressed up for you." She unzipped the top of the jacket, then slipped it off.
"Wow!"
Sam was wearing a red dress that was not only low-cut enough to show cleavage, but calling the skirt short would be doing it a favor. The hem barely reached her mid-thigh. I wondered what she would do if she dropped something and had to bend over.
The dress featured black buttons in the shape of hearts that went down to her waist and staring at the top button, I couldn't help notice how tight the dress was, hugging her small breasts and pushing them up.
"Is that a good 'wow'?" She gave me a big smile.
"I ... yeah, you look great." I told her and wasn't kidding.
Sam's smile widened. When she reached up and pushed her hair back over her shoulder, I noticed that her fingernails were painted the same shade of red as the dress.
"Thank you."
"Why are you wearing that?"
"Oh, I don't know. " She shrugged. "Maybe I'm tired of your tomboy jokes and wanted to show you I can be a woman when I need to be."
"A woman?" I laughed. "You're eighteen."
She rolled her eyes. "Justin, you are one step forward, two steps back, sometimes. You give me a compliment, then you say something stupid."
"Sorry." I pointed at the bag she had tossed on the couch. "You want to give me the popcorn and I'll heat it up while you put the movie in?"
"Not yet. I want to talk to you."
"I thought you said if I didn't want to talk we didn't—"
Without waiting for me to finish, Sam turned her back on me and walked out of the living room and down the hall towards my bedroom.
"Okay," I muttered.
I followed her down the hallway, my eyes glued to the backs of her long legs, which although a little on the thin side had a nice shape to them. Not just her legs; the tight dress was clinging to what I had to admit was a pretty nice ass and she had a sway to her hips I'd never noticed before when she walked.
Sam opened the door to my room. When I entered, she was standing in front of my bed, staring down at the nightstand.
"Oh, candles!" she said, picking up the lighter. "I love candles."
She lit the two small candles and walked around to the other side of the bed to light the pair on my desk. "You always have candles?"
"Tonight was supposed to be, well, you know ..." I sighed. "I thought it would be a nice touch."
"They are." She pointed behind me. "Shut the light off."
"Why?"
"Because I like candlelight." She rolled her eyes. "Why do you always ask questions about everything?"
"I don't know." I hit the switch and turned back to see her standing in the dimly lit room.
"That's better." She nodded. "Nice soft light. Very romantic, very intimate."
"Intimate?" That was an odd word.
"Justin, come sit down. I want to ask you something."
I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge of it expecting Sam to sit next to me. Instead, she stepped up to me so she was standing directly in front of me between my knees, looking down at me.