Chapter 42: The Caped Baldy's Bargain, The Zero Requiem of Love, and The God Tongue's Taming part- 1
World 25: The World of Heroes (One Punch Man Universe)
Ethan Hunt felt a sensation of utter boredom the moment he transferred. It was not his boredom; it was the host's. It was a crushing, existential ennui that made even the act of blinking feel like too much effort.
He opened his sensors. He was lying on a tatami mat in a small, sparse apartment, reading a manga volume that had a coffee stain on the cover.
[Initialization Complete.][Host: Saitama.][Hero Name: Caped Baldy.][Rank: A-Class (Undervalued).][Current Status: Wondering if he should water his cactus.][Love Interest: Fubuki (Hellish Blizzard).][Relationship Status: "She thinks I am her underling. I think she is annoying but buys me fries."]
(Saitama! Wake up! Put down the manga!)
Saitama scratched his shiny head. "Huh? Who is that? Did I leave the TV on?"
(I am your inner fighting spirit! No, wait, you killed that years ago. I am the System. And we have a problem. Fubuki is currently outside your door. She is being accosted by a new S-Class Hero named "Golden Glitter".)
Saitama turned a page. "Golden Glitter? Sounds expensive. Is he a salesperson?"
(No! He is a Transmigrator! He knows you are the strongest, but he plans to steal Fubuki by convincing her that you are actually stealing HER credit. He wants to merge the Fubuki Group into his 'Glitter Squad' and make her his trophy vice-commander.)
[Villain Identity: "Golden Glitter" (Transmigrator).][Ability: "The Protagonist Aura". Emits a blinding light that makes everyone focus on him. Also has a passive skill "Credit Theft" - people naturally assume he did the cool thing.][Current Situation: He is outside telling Fubuki that you are a parasite who holds her back from reaching S-Class. He is offering her a position as his 'Queen'.]
Saitama sat up, looking mildly interested. "So... if she joins him, she will stop coming here and asking me to join her group?"
(Technically, yes. But then she will be miserable. She will be a trophy in a harem of sparkles. And you will have to pay for your own fries forever. Do you want to pay for your own fries, Saitama?)
Saitama's expression sharpened. The art style of his face shifted from "goofy egg" to "serious jawline".
"No fries?" Saitama whispered. "That is unacceptable."
(Then get out there! Use the 'Serious Series: Serious Cockblock'. Go!)
......................
Location: Outside Saitama's Apartment, Z-City.
Fubuki stood in the hallway, her black dress fluttering in a wind generated by the man in front of her. Golden Glitter was a tall, handsome man wearing gold-plated armor and a cape made of fiber-optic lights.
"Blizzard of Hell," Golden Glitter declared, his voice echoing with reverb. "Why do you waste your time with this B-Class... oh, sorry, A-Class... nobody? He is bald. He is poor. He lives in a ghost town. Look at me! I have sponsors! I have a skincare line!"
Fubuki bit her lip. "Saitama is... special. He has potential."
"Potential?" Golden Glitter scoffed. "He is a leech! He rides your coattails! Come with me, Fubuki. Join the Glitter Squad. Together, we will surpass Tornado. You will be the Queen of Heroes."
He reached out a gloved hand, the gold shining brightly. Fubuki hesitated. The promise of surpassing her sister, Tatsumaki, was her greatest weakness.
(He is using the 'Aura of Influence',) Ethan analyzed. (Saitama, open the door. But do it casually. Like you just woke up.)
CREAK.
The metal door opened. Saitama stood there in his pajamas, holding a watering can.
"Hey," Saitama said flatly. "You guys are loud. My cactus is trying to sleep."
Golden Glitter turned, blinding light radiating from his armor. "Ah! The parasite emerges! Saitama! I am saving this poor woman from your mediocrity!"
Saitama blinked. "You are very shiny. Are you a disco ball monster?"
"I am a Hero!" Glitter shouted. "I am Rank S, Number 18! And I challenge you! If I win, Fubuki joins me. If you win... well, you won't win."
Fubuki stepped forward. "Saitama, don't. He is S-Class. His 'Glitter Beam' can melt tank armor."
Saitama looked at Glitter. Then he looked at Fubuki.
(Okay, Saitama. We need to end this quickly, but not too violently. We don't want to destroy the building; the rent is cheap here. Just... intimidate him. Show him the gap.)
"Hey, sparkly guy," Saitama said, stepping out in his bunny slippers. "You said something about fries earlier?"
"Fries?" Glitter frowned. "I said nothing about fries! I spoke of glory! Of power!"
"Oh. My mistake," Saitama said. He raised a hand. "Move aside. You are blocking the sun. My cactus needs light, not glitter."
Golden Glitter raged. "You ignore me?! TAKE THIS! GOLDEN SUPERNOVA BLAST!"
He charged up a massive beam of energy. Fubuki gasped, raising a psychic barrier.
(Saitama! Deflect it! But aim it upwards so it does not hit the supermarket!)
Saitama didn't punch. He didn't kick. He just took a deep breath.
"Serious Series," Saitama muttered. "Serious Sneeze."
"ACHOO!"
The sneeze generated a shockwave of hurricane force. It hit the incoming energy beam and shattered it instantly. The wind pressure continued forward, stripping the gold plating right off Glitter's armor and blowing his fiber-optic cape into the stratosphere.
Golden Glitter was lifted off his feet and plastered against the wall of the opposite building, stripped down to his boxer shorts (which were also gold, naturally).
"My... my armor..." Glitter whimpered, sliding down the wall. "It was leased..."
Saitama rubbed his nose. "Man, I think I have a cold. Maybe it is the dust."
He turned to Fubuki. The wind from his sneeze had messed up her hair, but she was staring at him with wide, terrified, yet admiring eyes.
"You..." Fubuki stammered. "You blew away an S-Class attack... with a sneeze?"
"He was noisy," Saitama shrugged. "Anyway, Fubuki. Since you are here. I am hungry. Udon?"
Fubuki sighed, smoothing her hair. The tension left her shoulders. She looked at the pathetic, shivering figure of Golden Glitter, then at the bald man in pajamas who had effortlessly protected her (and his cactus).
.....
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