Edge of the Forbidden Forest.
A place that should have been full of birdsong and flowers (or the stench of Blast-Ended Skrewts) now presented a bizarre, anti-gravity scene.
Trees were uprooted, hanging upside down in mid-air.
Massive boulders flew upwards like rain.
And in the center of the storm, the Norwegian Ridgeback named "Norberta" was rolling in agony. Its belly bulged like a volcano about to erupt, faintly glowing with a... deep blue light resembling cosmic starlight?
"Ivan! Help!!"
Hagrid hugged an upside-down tree, crying loudly. "Norberta just swallowed a 'failed experiment' you threw away! Now every time she burps, she spits out stars! My hut has been sucked into the sky!"
Ivan stood at a safe distance, holding a modified... household vacuum cleaner that looked like alien technology?
Of course, this wasn't an ordinary vacuum. This was the "Dyson · Magic Enhanced · Black Hole Buster 3000," combining "Spatial Folding Charms" and "Muggle Fluid Dynamics."
"Don't panic, Hagrid." Ivan put on goggles and pressed the switch aimed at the writhing dragon. "This counts as 'indigestion caused by overeating'. Just suck the 'Singularity' out."
"Suck it out?!" Sirius (Big Black Dog form) was trying to bite Hagrid's trousers to stop him from flying away. Hearing this, he barked in terror. "Woof! That's a black hole! You're sucking a black hole with a vacuum cleaner? You'll suck the entirety of Scotland into it!"
"Theoretically, no." Ivan adjusted the suction while explaining. "According to 'Quantum Vacuum Theory', as long as the suction is strong enough, even concepts can be sucked away. For example—sucking away your IQ."
Sirius: ???
Ivan cut the chatter and threw the vacuum tube directly into Norberta's wide-open mouth.
"Activate: Max Gear · Turbo Boost Mode!"
VROOOOM——————!!
A terrifying shriek rang out.
The glowing blue dot inside Norberta's stomach began to spin wildly, twisting the surrounding space with it.
Hagrid's hat flew off.
Sirius was sucked so hard he stretched three meters, sticking to the vacuum tube like a black noodle.
"Hold on!" Ivan shouted. "I'm pulling it out! Three! Two! One! Go!"
Pop!
A sound like a cork popping from a wine bottle.
A black sphere, only the size of a fist but incredibly heavy, was spat out by the vacuum, smashing through the ground and leaving a bottomless pit.
Simultaneously, a massive recoil force blew Norberta, Hagrid, Sirius, and Ivan away.
Half an hour later.
Norberta lay paralyzed on the ground, belly finally deflated, burping continuously. Each burp spat out a small star.
Hagrid and Sirius were still dizzy nearby.
Ivan climbed out of a mud puddle, dusted himself off, and walked to the deep pit.
"Let me see... Black Hole Singularity, capture successful."
He put the black sphere into a lead box and sealed it: "Dangerous Item, Do Not Flush Down Toilet."
Just as he was about to leave the dragon's stomach (now a messy scene), his foot kicked something soft and wet.
It was a black notebook with a soggy, wrinkled cover.
Tom Riddle's Diary.
"Yo, isn't this an old acquaintance?" Ivan picked up the diary, shaking off the dragon stomach slime. "Looks like you got swallowed too? How's the taste? Authentic 'Dragon Stomach Acid Soup', rich in digestive enzymes."
The diary didn't react.
But when Ivan opened the first page, crooked handwriting slowly appeared on the originally blank paper.
Not gloomy Parseltongue script, but a flowery script that looked... drunk?
[...Sour... too sour...]
Ivan raised an eyebrow. "Tom? Are you still alive?"
[...What is this hellish place... why are the walls contracting... Oh, Merlin's beard, that's gastric peristalsis... Ugh...]
The handwriting on the diary began to shake violently, clearly indicating the person (soul) writing this was undergoing a terrible experience.
[Potter... is that you? Let me out! The smell here is like... like troll socks unwashed for a century soaked in lemon juice! My nose! My soul! I'm melting!!]
Ivan couldn't help laughing. "Looks like dragon stomach acid is corrosive to Horcruxes. Where's your Dark Magic defense? Your Parseltongue intimidation?"
[Shut up... give me milk... or sugar water... anything to neutralize the acidity!]
The once arrogant Dark Lord's remnant soul was now begging humbly.
Ivan pulled a bottle of pumpkin juice (swiped from Hagrid) from his pocket and poured a little onto the diary.
Sizzle—
White smoke rose from the diary.
[Ah... ah... I'm alive again...]
The handwriting became clearer, but the tone changed completely.
[Potter, is this your hospitality? Soaking me in a reptile's stomach for a 'Deep Immersion SPA'? Although... although the 'Exfoliating' effect here is actually quite good, I feel my soul has been polished...]
Ivan rolled his eyes. "You're bloated, not polished. You look like a moldy steamed bun now."
[Silence!]
The diary shook violently. [As compensation, I want... I want food! I want steak! Rare! No black pepper! Also, dry this damned notebook! I'm going to mold!]
Ivan stroked his chin, suddenly having a bold idea.
"Want food? Sure. But you have to pay."
"I have no money!"
"No money needed. You exchange 'Intelligence' or 'Labor'."
Ivan pointed to the still-burping Norberta.
"Because this dragon swallowed a black hole, it not only spits stars but also randomly spits... weird things. Like, future lottery numbers, or the vault password of the Muggle bank next door."
[You want me to be a Seer?]
"No, I want you to be a 'Poison Tester'." Ivan revealed a nuclear-kind smile. "This dragon will be Hogwarts' 'Food Waste Disposal Unit'. I need someone to identify if the stuff it spits out is edible. For example, is this thing that looks like a Galleon chocolate or real gold?"
The diary was silent for five seconds.
[...Deal. But I have a condition.]
"Speak."
[Don't put me in a dragon's stomach again. And next time, can we change flavors? Like... turkey flavor?]
Ivan stuffed the diary into his pocket and patted it.
"As long as you behave, I'll have Dobby knit you a wool cover. Warm and breathable."
Just then, Hagrid and Sirius finally wobbled over.
"Ivan..." Hagrid looked at the pit with lingering fear. "That was... the Dark Lord's diary? It... it spoke just now?"
"Yeah," Ivan nodded calmly. "It's our 'Gourmet Consultant' now. By the way, Hagrid, you can save on Norberta's feed money; the stars she spits out can be sold to Professor Flitwick as light bulbs."
Sirius turned back into human form, leaning weakly against a tree. "So... we just toured a dragon's stomach to rescue a diary that only complains about hunger?"
"Not just that." Ivan pointed into the distance.
Lucius Malfoy was sneaking behind a tree, holding a net, trying to catch a "star" Norberta just spat out.
"That's mine!" Lucius shouted. "That's pure energy crystal! I'm taking it back to make a necklace for Narcissa!"
"That's nuclear waste, Lucius." Ivan shouted. "Do you want your wife to glow? Though that would be 'radiant' in another sense."
Lucius's hand shook, and he dropped the net.
Just then, the diary in Ivan's pocket vibrated, automatically flipping to a new page, words surfacing rapidly:
[Extra! Extra! Malfoy Family Head wants to use nuclear waste as a necklace! Is this a distortion of human nature or the loss of aesthetic standards? Hogwarts Online Reporter · Tom Riddle reporting for you!]
Ivan: ???
Hagrid: ???
Sirius: This diary became a spirit?
[Don't look at me like that,] the handwriting on the diary seemed smug, [I figured it out while in the stomach. Since ruling the world is too tiring, might as well be a paparazzo. Ivan, give me a column! I've thought of the name: "A Bite of Riddle"! Dedicated to exposing Hogwarts' dark secrets!]
Ivan looked at this Horcrux with a sudden style shift and felt that letting Voldemort be a gossip reporter might be more interesting than letting him be a Dark Lord?
"Fine." Ivan pulled the diary out. "But the headline must be—'SHOCKING! Dark Lord Screams "Sour and Refreshing" in Dragon's Stomach!'. Also, no pay, only pumpkin juice."
[Deal! Write it quick! I want the front page!]
While one person and one notebook were bargaining, an eagle's cry came from the sky.
A massive Hippogriff landed, and a red-headed boy jumped off its back, holding a piece of parchment.
"Ivan! Bad news!" Ron shouted. "Hermione found Ravenclaw's Diadem in the library! But... but that thing seems to have connected to your 'Magic Wi-Fi' and is automatically downloading 'Five Years of N.E.W.T.s, Three Years of Simulations'!"
Ivan covered his forehead.
"Again? Can these Horcruxes give me a break?"
He looked at the diary still clamoring to write gossip in his arms, then at Norberta eating stars in the distance.
"It seems Hogwarts' 'Digital Reform' is ahead of schedule."
Ivan revealed a smile that gave Ron goosebumps.
"Ron, go tell Hermione to bring the Diadem. I just happen to need a 'Server Hard Drive'. As for this diary..."
Ivan patted the diary cover.
"Tom, go write your headline. Title it—'How a Dark Lord Was Soaked into a Leavened Bun in a Dragon's Stomach'."
[...This is workplace bullying! I'm going to labor arbitration! I'm telling Dumbledore!!]
"Go ahead. Dumbledore is busy threatening Minister Fudge with a nuclear warhead to install A/C in the castle; he has no time for you."