Early Morning, Gryffindor Common Room.
Harry was about to practice Expelliarmus when the tip of his wand suddenly emitted black smoke, projecting a massive hologram mid-air.
It was none other than Voldemort's nose-less face, framed by flashing neon lights and accompanied by upbeat DJ music.
"Hey! Harry! Still using traditional waving-style casting? Too outdated!"
Voldemort's hologram gave an extremely stiff wink. "Now, 'One-Click Avada' is the trend! Only 998, only 998! Bring home the Riddle Brand Automatic Killing System! What are you waiting for? Order now and get a signed photo of Professor Quirrell (censored)!"
Harry: ???
The chicken leg fell from Ron's hand. "This thing has become sentient? My wand was vibrating just now, asking if I wanted a 'Death Eater Co-branded Credit Card'."
Hermione stormed in, holding that modified Alchemical Laptop, hair messy as a bird's nest, but eyes shining with frantic light.
"It's a Cloud Horcrux!" Hermione shouted. "Tom uploaded his data fragments from the time clock to the 'Hogwarts LAN'! He's not just a kebab chef now; he's a 'Cyber Hooligan'!"
She slammed the laptop onto the table; the screen was full of flowing green code.
"Look! He's tampering with the class schedule! He changed Snape's Potions class to 'How to Mine Bitcoin with Dark Magic'! And he changed McGonagall's Transfiguration homework to 'Turn Yourself into a Pink Hello Kitty'!"
[System Alert: Hogwarts Skynet (Hacked): Defense -50%. Current Slogan: "For the Greater Traffic."]
Ivan walked downstairs yawning, holding a chilled cola.
"What's the noise? So early in the morning." He glanced at the Voldemort ad in the air and raised an eyebrow. "Yo, Tom has business acumen, knows how to do pop-up ads now. But the graphic design is terrible; the Photoshop on his nose is too fake."
"Ivan! That's not the point!" Hermione screamed, clutching her hair. "He's stealing students' Magic Points as 'Computing Power'! Look at this!"
The screen displayed a set of data:
[Current Online Users: Voldemort (Main Program) + 300 Students (Zombie Bots)]
[Current Task: Mining "Horcrux Coin"]
[Progress: 98%]
"He wants to use the computing power of the entire school's wands to reconstruct his body in the cloud!" Hermione was about to cry. "If we don't stop him, by midnight tonight, he'll download himself back into the real world, and it'll be a 4K HD Remastered Version!"
Ivan stroked his chin. "Mining with computing power? Unique idea. But since he wants to play cyber warfare, let's solve it the cyber way."
He walked to the computer, fingers typing so fast they blurred.
"Hermione, get your 'Logic Virus' ready. Since he likes tampering with data, let's feed him some 'Junk Data'."
"Junk Data?" Hermione paused.
"Yes. Like... the entire analysis of 'Five Years of N.E.W.T.s, Three Years of Magic', Professor Snape's hair growth formula sheet, and... Lucius Malfoy's shopping list." Ivan revealed a nuclear-kind smile. "Let's overload his CPU."
Meanwhile, in the Boiler Room of the Forbidden Forest.
Voldemort sat before the giant Alchemical Furnace, laughing maniacally at the dozens of floating screens before him.
"Stupid children! Their magic is so useful! Quirrell! Look! My computing power is breaking through the sky! I'll soon be able to..."
Beep—!
The screens suddenly turned red.
[Warning: Massive Junk Data Injection Detected!]
[File: "One Hundred Side Effects of Hair Growth Potion.pdf" Opening...]
[File: "Malfoy Family Bankruptcy Liquidation Table.xlsx" Running...]
Voldemort's smile froze.
"What is this?! Why is my vision filled with Snape's greasy face?! And... why do I have to process the bill for the twenty wigs Lucius bought?!"
He tried to close the windows, but every window popped up a dialog box:
[Your computer is at risk. Please update "Ivan Antivirus" immediately.]
[Do you agree to install? A. Agree B. Must Agree C. Avada Kedavra is Useless]
"Bastard!!" Voldemort smashed the keyboard (actually a wooden plank) on the floor in rage. "This is bullying! This is cyber violence! I'm calling the police! I'm calling Fudge!"
Just then, Ivan's voice came through all the speakers:
"Tom, stop struggling. Your firewall is made of 'Fear', but my virus is made of 'Awkwardness'. Now, accept your sanction—Mandatory Costume Change Program Initiated!"
Before Voldemort could react, his groomsman suit suddenly flashed with light.
In the next second, he turned into...
Wearing a gigantic, pink... pajama set printed with Hello Kitty patterns?
And it had lace trim.
"AHHHH!!" Voldemort let out a scream more miserable than being hit by a Killing Curse. "What is this?! Where is my Dark Lord dignity?! My terror?!"
Quirrell shivered in the corner, not daring to look up. "M... Master, actually... pink makes you look fair..."
"I'll kill you!!" Voldemort was about to raise his wand, only to find it flying automatically into mid-air and beginning to write on its own.
"I, Tom Riddle, should not have barbecued illegally in the Forbidden Forest, should not have stolen school electricity, should not have forced Blast-Ended Skrewts to wear tactical vests..."
With every sentence written, Voldemort's face grew darker.
Ivan's voice sounded again: "Write ten thousand words, automatically sent to the owl inboxes of all teachers and students. Miss one word, and you dance Cyndi Loves You in the Great Hall wearing these pajamas. Tom, choose one."
Voldemort's hand holding the quill trembled.
It was the extreme fear of Ivan's "dishonorable" tactics.
"I'll write..." Voldemort gritted his teeth, tears streaming down. "I'll write, okay?! But can I change Hello Kitty to the Slytherin crest?!"
"No. That's the Hermione Special Edition." Ivan refused flatly. "By the way, as punishment, all your 'Horcrux Coin' mining profits will be donated to S.P.E.W. (Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare). Dobby said he wants to buy an island."
Voldemort blacked out and fainted from rage (wearing pink pajamas).
Cheers erupted in the Gryffindor Common Room.
Hermione looked at Voldemort's despairing face on the screen and hugged Ivan excitedly. "Ivan! You're amazing! How did you do it?"
"Basic operations." Ivan shrugged, pulling a pile of black USB drives (made of Thestral tail hair) from his pocket.
"Alright, crisis averted. But to prevent Tom from making a comeback, I developed the 'Hogwarts Special Edition Antivirus USB'. Built-in 'Ivan Logic Core', automatically blocks Voldemort's pop-up ads."
He slammed the USBs onto the table. "Only 99 Galleons each. First ten buyers get a set of HD wallpapers of 'Voldemort in Drag'."
Ron: "I'll buy one! I want to hang it outside the Slytherin Common Room!"
Harry: "Give me two, I want to send one to the Dursleys, show them what 'Magic Tech' is."
Just as Ivan's hands were getting tired from counting money, Snape's gloomy voice came from the portrait hole.
"Potter."
Ivan's hand shook, dropping USBs all over the floor.
Snape stood at the door, holding a bottle of hair growth potion, face black as a pot bottom.
"Explain," Snape pointed to the top of his head, "why did my hair suddenly turn pink just now? And with bows?"
Ivan coughed dryly. "That's... a System Bug? Or Voldemort's virus backlash?"
"Is that so?" Snape sneered, raising his wand. "I don't care who did it. Since your antivirus software is so effective, install one in my office too. And..."
He pointed to the money box in Ivan's hand. "This time, 'Pink Hair Mental Damage Fee', charging you two hundred Galleons. No receipt."
Ivan: "...Deal."
However, no one noticed.
In the Boiler Room of the Forbidden Forest, next to the fainted Voldemort, the "Time Clock" Ivan stuck on his forehead hadn't turned off.
On the screen, a line of tiny code was running quietly:
[Upload Complete. Target: Hogwarts Metaverse Server.]
[New Skin Loading...]