Over the following weeks I made more outdoor outings in my outfits. I wore dresses, and jeans, and suspenders, and skirts, and all sorts of frilly girly wonderful things. Every day was becoming more and more beautiful. That was, every day except the weekends. The weekends were when my parents were home. As much as I wasn't sure if Steven would accept me coming out to him, I knew much more my parents would immediately outcast me if they ever found out what I was doing. I can remember multiple instances of my father talking about how he thought crossdressers and drag queens were utterly repulsive. My mother, being a bit more progressive, would always tell me she would accept me if I came out as gay or bisexual, but a deep part of my brain felt as if she was just playing the part of an accepting parent.
No, I was sure neither of them would accept me. So that part of me, the real and true part of me, was kept locked up on the weekends. Thankfully, as soon as they came was as soon as they went, and I would find myself alone again. Alone with my true self. But, each week I'd find my mind pushing a bit more and a bit more and a bit more on top of that. As Steven's words continued to reverberate in my skull, I would continue to push myself. First, I would walk beyond the property line. "Just to check the mail", I'd say to myself. Then I found myself walking around the streets, then the neighboring streets and roads, and circles. As things progressed, a thought began to form substance in my mind. "I should go into town".
The insanity of such a thought. The idea that I could just walk into town, dressed this way. That I could put on a long blue dress with red buttons. That I could step into the car my parents had gotten me for my birthday. That I could pull out from the driveway, go down the road, and pull onto the county road that led straight into town. That was clearly a ridiculous idea. That's what I was thinking as I found myself accelerating to 55 miles per hour, headed straight for town.
Yes, I had finally done it. A screw had come loose and I'd decided to make my way into town. Now, town was about fifteen minutes away, so I had plenty of time to regret my choices and turn the car around. There were multiple driveways and multiple plots of dirt on the side of the road I could have used to turn back. Yet, I passed every one of them and continued further on. Eventually, I made it to the first traffic light, the first indication of actual society, and the last chance I had to abort this entire endeavor. But, still, I continued on and made the first right turn to the downtown area.
Now, this was a small town as you'd probably imagine it. Sure it showed some signs of growth and had a few fast food places, but it was more of a single strip of road than a town; at least to me. But there were still people out and about. This wasn't like at home where the chances of someone seeing me were dim, I was being watched as I sat at the red light. Well, ok, I wasn't being watched, more that the people walking by could have looked at me with as much as a single glance. I was simply petrified. In fact, I was so scared, I didn't even notice the light before me had turned green, not until the man behind me honked his horn.
As I pressed down on the accelerator and made my way into the busy little downtown area, I decided my nerves were frazzled enough to require me to stop the car and take some time to breathe. I pulled into the strip mall on the left and slipped into the parking lot for the Right Stuff grocery store. As I parked the car and began to breathe a heavy breath, another thought came to the surface. "I should go inside and shop."
This time I didn't have to think about how crazy the idea was. I was already here, I'd already been seen by a few dozen people. Sure it was a bit more pressure to be so up close to others, but at this point, I decided it didn't matter. I'd made it this far, going a little bit further beyond wouldn't destroy me. So, with that, I walked into the grocery store.
The first thing I realized when I walked into the store was that I had no idea what I was going to buy. I didn't go out with the intention of going shopping, and since my mom buys all the food, there isn't much I really need. I guess I'll just buy a bunch of snacks, I think as I grab a shopping cart. As I walked down the aisles, randomly grabbing different chips and candy that peaked my interest, I noticed a little girl looking at me. My immediate reaction was to shy away from her, but realizing that would only draw attention to myself, I simply looked forward and continued walking. That was when I heard the girl say "Mommy, that lady is so pretty."
Me, pretty? Somebody else saw me as a woman? Sure it was just a child, but, it's not like a child would lie. She honestly and truly thought I looked like a woman. I could feel my heart fly around with glee, and my feet felt a bit lighter. As I continued walking around the store, I noticed a young man around my age shopping as well. A part of me thought he looked familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It wasn't that important to me, so I made little note of them; but, still, I wonder where I might have seen that guy before.
Eventually, I decided I'd picked up enough odds and ends and made my way up to the register clerk. This was the first time someone was gonna look closely at my face. Do I look away, maybe just keep my head down, it's not like I have to talk with her, right?
"Is that everything, man?"
Mam! She called me mam!
"Um, no."
That was my first mistake of the day. While I looked about as feminine as could be, especially with my well applied makeup, my voice was still heavily masculine. I could immediately see the clerk give me a strange look as she totalled up the cost. She knew, she had to know. I tapped my card against the credit card reader and quickly lowered my head to look away from the woman.
"Here's your receipt."
With that, I quickly pushed my cart forward to get out of this scene as fast as possible, when I felt the shock of the cart slamming into something. I looked up to see a man on the floor in front of my cart; I must have knocked him over. I quickly ran up to help him up and saw something that made no sense to me. This was the man I had seen in the aisle earlier, but now his hair had fallen off; or, I guess it would be more accurate to say his wig.
As I went to help him back up, I was able to look at his face much closer. His face was smooth and clean, his eyes were a deep blue with long fluttery eyelashes. His lips were fuller than any man's lips I'd seen before. Suddenly, it felt as if the image before me changed and I realized I wasn't looking at a man. The person before me was a woman in men's clothing. My face must have given away my confusion, as the girl's eyes widened and she gasped slightly. Before I could actually help her up, she shot back up to her feet, then just as fast, she grabbed her shopping cart and darted out the shop door.
I looked back at the floor and realized she had left her wig behind, so I picked it up and went after her to give it back. I saw her loading her groceries into an old blue pickup truck and approached her.
"Hey, mam?"
Her face twisted into a sneer as she tried to hurry into the truck.
"Mam, your wig."
Upon hearing those words, she turned back around and snatched the clump of hair out of my hand. As she did, she took a long look at me and I could immediately tell what she was thinking. The words "You're a man" were written right across her face.
"Is it that obvious?"
"You're doing a good job, but you need to get a bit better at your make-up and maybe wear a wig."
That wasn't the answer I was expecting.
"Wait, that's all you have to say?"
"What else did you want me to say?"
"I don't know. I expected anyone who knew what I really was would call me a freak."
"Well, if you're a freak, I'm one too. Well, at least, I assume you're trans like me. Or are you just a femboy?"
Mixed into her dialogue was a word I had never heard before. What did it mean?
"Trans?"
"Yeah, you know, transgender?"
"No, I don't know."
"You don't know what transgender means?"
"Nope. Never heard of it."
"Then you're a femboy?"
"Oh, no, certainly not."
"A cross dresser?"
"No, I don't think I'm that either."
"Well, what do you think you are?"
"I'm not really sure. The best way I'd describe it is I'm a man who wishes they were born a woman."
The woman's eyes defocused for a moment then widened as if she just had a startling revelation.
"Oh, I see. Well, that's very interesting. I think I ought to get going now."
As the woman began to walk to the driver's side door, I grabbed her by the shoulder and said "what is it that you are?"
"Me?" She said as she slowly turned back around, sheepishly keeping her head sunk low and avoiding eye contact.
"I'm, uh… I'm transgender."
"What does that mean though? You never answered me before."
"I'm not supposed to tell you."
"Not supposed to tell me? What the hell does that mean?"
The woman lowered her head even more to the point that she was staring at her own chest.
"I can't tell you here. This isn't a good place to talk. I'll tell you what. Do you go to Queensbury High School?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Meet me in room 117 tomorrow at 11."
Before I could ask any further questions, the woman turned around and got into her truck. The engine rumbled to life and she drove out of the parking lot.