I feel the smooth silk of my dress rub against my skin. The dress is thin and reaches all the way down to my ankles. It has a basic horizontal stripe pattern going down it. It has holes for my slender arms but no sleeves. Wearing it, I feel like a simple farm girl, barefoot with long black hair and pale freckled skin that is quite susceptible to the sun's kiss. I turn to the full length mirror in my room and look at myself. "I'm beautiful" I say out loud in a commanding tone as if trying to convince a person who isn't really here.
I put my hand to the mirror and observe the details of my own face. My eyes are amber, my nose is small as is my mouth, the skin on my face seems to have an attraction to the freckles scattered all over my body. It's hard to argue, my face has a feminine look to it, even without the intricate layer of makeup I usually apply.
Is that why I do this? Is it the natural femininity of myself that inspires me to stand before the mirror in front of me and try on the many different outfits I own?
The thing about me you need to understand, is as feminine as I appear, I'm not a girl, I'm a guy. I'm not really sure how this whole thing started. No, not this thing; I'll call it by what it is; crossdressing. I am a dirty, disgusting, absolutely unforgivable crossdresser. I've been engaging in this filthy activity for the last few months and have yet to find a way to truly stop myself.
Thinking about all of this only fuels my anger. Anger over every flaw, every little thing that exposes what I truly am.
"I'm a freak!"
With that, I rip off the dress and throw it into the corner of my room. Now looking at myself in my underwear, I can finally see the truth; I'm not a woman. That is fact, that is reality, that is the sad despicable truth.
Chapter 1
As I placed all my female clothing in the metal lock box hidden under my bed, I went to wash my face off and continued to wonder why I do what I do. Perhaps there's an answer? I thought to myself. At the same time, perhaps it's just that there's something wrong with me. I looked over my face to ensure I haven't missed any spots and wiped the more persistent makeup off with wipes. All the effort I put into looking beautiful and all the effort to wash it away, for what?
I didn't think I was gonna solve it myself. I've searched online before and found suggestions of being a femboy or a crossdresser, which at least told me there were other guys out there who took up wearing the opposite sex's clothing. But neither of those answers felt right to me. It wasn't like just being feminine was what I was looking for. In my mind, I think I really just wish I was born a woman. It really makes no sense to me why is feel that way, but that was the case.
Even knowing that, I was born a man and there really isn't much I can do about that other than lament the fact every single day in my dressup show. As I was thinking about all these different things, the alarm suddenly went off on my phone.
"Ah, shit, I gotta go."
I grabbed the back pack in the corner of my room and made my way outside to catch the bus to school. School was the worst. I knew most kids didn't like school, but for me it wasn't just that, I just felt like I never really fit in with anyone. For most of my time here, I'd sit in the back corner of class, spend my free time in some isolated part of the library, and the one part of the day when I did have to be with people, lunch time, I sat with a small group of outcasts just like myself. I couldn't even call these guys my friends, they were just acquaintances to me. I knew their names and could at least recognize some of their faces, but when we talked, it was surface level.
There was only one single person in the whole building I could call a friend. Steven. Steven had been my friend before I even went to school, probably since I'd been a baby, since both our parents were friends before we were born. Though we didn't have any classes together, we would always end up meeting up with each other at least one day out of the week. Today happened to be one of those days.
I was in the library, sitting by myself in an area that most people avoided. As I looked at my phone, a young man walked up to me. I put down my phone, looked up, and saw Steven's face looking back at me.
"Good morning." He said as he sat down beside me. Even though it was already well into the afternoon, Steven and I would always say good morning to each other no matter what time it was.
"Good morning." I said back.
"So, what's been going on with you?"
"Not much, really." I lied.
I wish I could be honest with Steven. I wish I could tell him that I just bought the most beautiful red pleated dress that had these cute golden buttons down it. Although I told Steven almost everything that happened in my day to day life, I have never told him and am most assured that I will never tell him about my cross dressing.
"It's always not much with you. Don't you have any hobbies?"
"Not really." I lied once again; my tongue becoming more and more silver with every word. "What about you, you don't have many hobbies."
"My plants are my hobbies."
"Is watering some plants really that much of a hobby?"
"I don't just water them. I make clones, I breed new hybrids. It's a lot of work."
"Yes, I know. I just forgot how devoted you were to them."
Steven really was devoted to his plants. I'd been over to his numerous times before and had seen the evolution of his work. What started as a few pots, over the years, grew to be an entire room filled with a vast variety of different fauna.
"So, how are the plants going?"
"Same as usual. I have a new Calathea I'm having trouble keeping alive, but the rest of them are strong and thriving like always. But, let's get back to you."
I could see a sadistic smile grow across Steven's face. I was really hoping I'd distracted him enough from me by getting him to talk about his plants.
"What about me?"
"You say you have no hobbies, but isn't there something you'd like to do?"
"Um, what do you mean?"
"What I mean is, isn't there some kind of thing, be it sports, or acting, or even something as boring as reading; I mean, you are in a library; don't you have something you enjoy?"
"Well…"
There it was, on the tip of my tongue. The words I so wanted to tell my friend. I like to buy and dress up in women's clothing. Maybe, he'd help me pick out new outfits. Maybe, he'd tell me how I can improve upon my makeup. Or maybe, just maybe, he'd ridicule me. He'd tell me I was a fagot or something and then let the word slip to everyone at school. Sure, there was no reason to assume that such a good friend of mine would do such a heinous thing, but at the same time, you can never really tell about people. I mean, even the nicest people twist into monsters when they encounter those who don't conform to the status quo.
In the past, I'd tried to ascertain if Steven would be accepting of such a thing. I've brought up gender bender manga to him, talked about shows where the character dresses up as another gender, hell, I'd even made him watch a few episodes of this anime where a guy transformed into a magical girl. Yet, every time I tried to sneak in a conversation about such things, he would have no real input. "It's a good manga" he'd say. "I really like how cute the characters look". But he never actually voiced his opinion on the actual concept of boys becoming girls.
"No." I finally said.
And that was that. We talked for a bit more, but eventually the period came to an end and Steven had to go. But, right before he left, he said something that immediately wiggled its way into my brain.
"I know you're lying to me. I know there's something that you want to do, have been yearning to do. I don't know what it is, and I don't know why you think you can't tell me about it, but whatever it is, I really think you should embrace it fully. It's your life, do you really want to live it all bottled up?"
With that, he left me to think upon the words he said.
Those words sat and slowly simmered into my brain. Maybe he was right. I thought about it for the rest of the day, through math class and English, through history and gym, on the school bus all the way back home the words echoed in my mind. When I got home, it was like the meal Steven had started cooking was finally ready to eat. I immediately ran to my room, unlocked the lock box and grabbed the first outfit I could find. It was a cute set of a white blouse, accented by a light pink sweater vest, with a long black skirt. As I watched myself twirl around in the mirror, I didn't even need to put on make-up to see the beauty before me. I was exactly who I was supposed to be.
But, it wasn't enough. Something was missing. I'm still bottled up. Then the thought popped into my head. "Go outside."
"Hell no!" I said out loud.
It was a crazy idea. Taking myself outside in this outfit. I mean, what if someone saw. Then another thought bubbled up. "What if all they saw was a beautiful woman?" What the hell was wrong with me? Did Steven's words really have so much influence on me that I really thought going outside in this outfit was a good idea? No, I was going crazy. But the thought kept coming back into my mind, over and over again. "Go outside, go outside, for the love of God, go outside."
And just like that, my legs began to move. I don't think I ordered them to move, it certainly wouldn't be something I'd do of my own volition. But, against all odds, they were moving all the same. First, they left the room; I of course, still being attached to my legs, followed them closely. Then, they walked up the stairs. Finally, they walked up to the front door and, as if my whole body was now following in my legs' footsteps, my arm reached out towards the door knob.
It was at this moment I realized I still had control over my body. I could at any time stop myself from opening the door. But, if that was the case, why do I find my hand twisting the knob and pulling the door inward? It was because that is what I wanted. Steven's words weren't controlling me. It was more that they were influencing me. Finally, this time at my control, my legs began to walk again and I was outside my family's home.
It was a breezy day, being that the season was changing to winter. Every leaf on the trees surrounding the house had fallen, meaning that anyone watching the property would be able to see me. Even knowing that, I still continued to walk around as my skirt slightly wavered back and forth with the wind. It wasn't like someone was going to immediately spot me. We lived in a more remote part of town in the woods. While we did have neighbors who could see into our lawn, most of them, besides the crazy old man next door, would be at work. Still, just the possibility that someone could spot me made me imagine the worst outcomes.
Of course they'd immediately know that I was a man in woman's clothing. Not only that, they'd know exactly who I was and exactly the right people to tell to ensure that everyone I cared about in my life would know my secret. But, even thinking of all that and half believing these absurdities to be true, I didn't want to stop. It was so utterly freeing, knowing that not only was I being my true self, but that I was willing to risk being outed as a freak to be that true self out in the world.
That was how it all started. That was my first step into a whole new world.
Chapter 2
Over the following weeks I made more outdoor outings in my outfits. I wore dresses, and jeans, and suspenders, and skirts, and all sorts of frilly girly wonderful things. Every day was becoming more and more beautiful. That was, every day except the weekends. The weekends were when my parents were home. As much as I wasn't sure if Steven would accept me coming out to him, I knew much more my parents would immediately outcast me if they ever found out what I was doing. I can remember multiple instances of my father talking about how he thought crossdressers and drag queens were utterly repulsive. My mother, being a bit more progressive, would always tell me she would accept me if I came out as gay or bisexual, but a deep part of my brain felt as if she was just playing the part of an accepting parent.
No, I was sure neither of them would accept me. So that part of me, the real and true part of me, was kept locked up on the weekends. Thankfully, as soon as they came was as soon as they went, and I would find myself alone again. Alone with my true self. But, each week I'd find my mind pushing a bit more and a bit more and a bit more on top of that. As Steven's words continued to reverberate in my skull, I would continue to push myself. First, I would walk beyond the property line. "Just to check the mail", I'd say to myself. Then I found myself walking around the streets, then the neighboring streets and roads, and circles. As things progressed, a thought began to form substance in my mind. "I should go into town".
The insanity of such a thought. The idea that I could just walk into town, dressed this way. That I could put on a long blue dress with red buttons. That I could step into the car my parents had gotten me for my birthday. That I could pull out from the driveway, go down the road, and pull onto the county road that led straight into town. That was clearly a ridiculous idea. That's what I was thinking as I found myself accelerating to 55 miles per hour, headed straight for town.
Yes, I had finally done it. A screw had come loose and I'd decided to make my way into town. Now, town was about fifteen minutes away, so I had plenty of time to regret my choices and turn the car around. There were multiple driveways and multiple plots of dirt on the side of the road I could have used to turn back. Yet, I passed every one of them and continued further on. Eventually, I made it to the first traffic light, the first indication of actual society, and the last chance I had to abort this entire endeavor. But, still, I continued on and made the first right turn to the downtown area.
Now, this was a small town as you'd probably imagine it. Sure it showed some signs of growth and had a few fast food places, but it was more of a single strip of road than a town; at least to me. But there were still people out and about. This wasn't like at home where the chances of someone seeing me were dim, I was being watched as I sat at the red light. Well, ok, I wasn't being watched, more that the people walking by could have looked at me with as much as a single glance. I was simply petrified. In fact, I was so scared, I didn't even notice the light before me had turned green, not until the man behind me honked his horn.
As I pressed down on the accelerator and made my way into the busy little downtown area, I decided my nerves were frazzled enough to require me to stop the car and take some time to breathe. I pulled into the strip mall on the left and slipped into the parking lot for the Right Stuff grocery store. As I parked the car and began to breathe a heavy breath, another thought came to the surface. "I should go inside and shop."
This time I didn't have to think about how crazy the idea was. I was already here, I'd already been seen by a few dozen people. Sure it was a bit more pressure to be so up close to others, but at this point, I decided it didn't matter. I'd made it this far, going a little bit further beyond wouldn't destroy me. So, with that, I walked into the grocery store.
The first thing I realized when I walked into the store was that I had no idea what I was going to buy. I didn't go out with the intention of going shopping, and since my mom buys all the food, there isn't much I really need. I guess I'll just buy a bunch of snacks, I think as I grab a shopping cart. As I walked down the aisles, randomly grabbing different chips and candy that peaked my interest, I noticed a little girl looking at me. My immediate reaction was to shy away from her, but realizing that would only draw attention to myself, I simply looked forward and continued walking. That was when I heard the girl say "Mommy, that lady is so pretty."
Me, pretty? Somebody else saw me as a woman? Sure it was just a child, but, it's not like a child would lie. She honestly and truly thought I looked like a woman. I could feel my heart fly around with glee, and my feet felt a bit lighter. As I continued walking around the store, I noticed a young man around my age shopping as well. A part of me thought he looked familiar, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It wasn't that important to me, so I made little note of them; but, still, I wonder where I might have seen that guy before.
Eventually, I decided I'd picked up enough odds and ends and made my way up to the register clerk. This was the first time someone was gonna look closely at my face. Do I look away, maybe just keep my head down, it's not like I have to talk with her, right?
"Is that everything, man?"
Mam! She called me mam!
"Um, no."
That was my first mistake of the day. While I looked about as feminine as could be, especially with my well applied makeup, my voice was still heavily masculine. I could immediately see the clerk give me a strange look as she totalled up the cost. She knew, she had to know. I tapped my card against the credit card reader and quickly lowered my head to look away from the woman.
"Here's your receipt."
With that, I quickly pushed my cart forward to get out of this scene as fast as possible, when I felt the shock of the cart slamming into something. I looked up to see a man on the floor in front of my cart; I must have knocked him over. I quickly ran up to help him up and saw something that made no sense to me. This was the man I had seen in the aisle earlier, but now his hair had fallen off; or, I guess it would be more accurate to say his wig.
As I went to help him back up, I was able to look at his face much closer. His face was smooth and clean, his eyes were a deep blue with long fluttery eyelashes. His lips were fuller than any man's lips I'd seen before. Suddenly, it felt as if the image before me changed and I realized I wasn't looking at a man. The person before me was a woman in men's clothing. My face must have given away my confusion, as the girl's eyes widened and she gasped slightly. Before I could actually help her up, she shot back up to her feet, then just as fast, she grabbed her shopping cart and darted out the shop door.
I looked back at the floor and realized she had left her wig behind, so I picked it up and went after her to give it back. I saw her loading her groceries into an old blue pickup truck and approached her.
"Hey, mam?"
Her face twisted into a sneer as she tried to hurry into the truck.
"Mam, your wig."
Upon hearing those words, she turned back around and snatched the clump of hair out of my hand. As she did, she took a long look at me and I could immediately tell what she was thinking. The words "You're a man" were written right across her face.
"Is it that obvious?"
"You're doing a good job, but you need to get a bit better at your make-up and maybe wear a wig."
That wasn't the answer I was expecting.
"Wait, that's all you have to say?"
"What else did you want me to say?"
"I don't know. I expected anyone who knew what I really was would call me a freak."
"Well, if you're a freak, I'm one too. Well, at least, I assume you're trans like me. Or are you just a femboy?"
Mixed into her dialogue was a word I had never heard before. What did it mean?
"Trans?"
"Yeah, you know, transgender?"
"No, I don't know."
"You don't know what transgender means?"
"Nope. Never heard of it."
"Then you're a femboy?"
"Oh, no, certainly not."
"A cross dresser?"
"No, I don't think I'm that either."
"Well, what do you think you are?"
"I'm not really sure. The best way I'd describe it is I'm a man who wishes they were born a woman."
The woman's eyes defocused for a moment then widened as if she just had a startling revelation.
"Oh, I see. Well, that's very interesting. I think I ought to get going now."
As the woman began to walk to the driver's side door, I grabbed her by the shoulder and said "what is it that you are?"
"Me?" She said as she slowly turned back around, sheepishly keeping her head sunk low and avoiding eye contact.
"I'm, uh… I'm transgender."
"What does that mean though? You never answered me before."
"I'm not supposed to tell you."
"Not supposed to tell me? What the hell does that mean?"
The woman lowered her head even more to the point that she was staring at her own chest.
"I can't tell you here. This isn't a good place to talk. I'll tell you what. Do you go to Queensbury High School?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Meet me in room 117 tomorrow at 11."
Before I could ask any further questions, the woman turned around and got into her truck. The engine rumbled to life and she drove out of the parking lot.
Chapter 3
At 11, I made my way to room 117, just as the woman had told me to. The marker on the door said "LGBT Alliance".
As I walked into the room, I was greeted by one young woman, one guy, and the woman from yesterday, now dressed in women's clothing.
"Ah, you actually showed up." The man said.
"I told you they'd show." Said one of the women. "You owe me ten bucks."
"Shut it, Bella." Said the woman from yesterday. "You, sit down." She said, pointing at me.
I picked one of the desks near her and sat down as she commanded. She then proceeded to take the desk in front of it and turned it around to face me.
"Hi." She said awkwardly.
"Hi." I said back, just as awkwardly.
"Um, before we start, what's your name?"
"It's Sonny."
"Well, Sonny, nice to meet you properly. My name is Katherine."
"Nice to meet you properly, Katherine."
"Now, you wanted to know what transgender means, right?"
"Yeah. I looked it up online last night, but I'm still not sure what it all means."
"Ok, let's start from the basics. A transgender person is a person whose gender identity is different from their assigned gender at birth."
"Can you simplify that a little?"
"Um, well, I was born a woman. Or, that is to say, my parents called me a woman when I was born. Biologically, I am a woman. My birth certificate and my driver's license say I'm a woman. But I identify as a man."
"You mean you want to be a man."
"No, I am a man" Katherine said with a touch of anger in her voice.
"I don't understand. How can you be a man, when you were born as a woman."
"That's just what being transgender is. It's like how you wish you were born a woman. Well, in a way, I wish I was born a man. I believe I was meant to be born a man."
"So, you dress up as a man, so people think you are one?"
"I dress up as a man, because that is what I am. But, yes, I do want people to see me as a man."
"But, your name is Katherine. And you dress like a woman."
"Yes, but that's because when I go to school, I girl-mode."
"They're not gonna understand that!" Said the woman probably called Bella.
"I dress up as a woman and use my birth name in order to fit in."
"But, to clarify, you believe yourself to be a man?"
"Yes."
"Do you- Do you have a guy name you use?"
"Keith is the name I'm particular to right now."
"Keith?"
"It's a nice name."
"Keith is a lovely name." Said the man whose name I did not know.
"Thank you, Cloud." Said Katherine/Keith.
"So, you would prefer if I referred to you as a man, right?"
"In this room and when I'm presenting as a man, yes. Anywhere else in the school or if you see me out in public girl-moding, no."
"Ok, I'll try to refer to you as a guy in those situations. I do apologize if I make a mistake though."
"The fact that you're willing to try is enough. So, uh, what do you feel like being referred to as?"
"Me? Well, I'm a guy, but I really like it when people think I'm a woman. If it's okay, can you refer to me as a woman when I'm here? I'd like to try it some more."
"Absolutely. Do you want us to call you by a different name too?"
"No, I think Sonny can be a woman's name as much as a guy's name."
"Yes, it's very gender neutral." Said the boy who's name was probably Cloud.
"Gender neutral?"
"It means it doesn't have to be male or female." Said Keith.
"Just like me!" Said the man whose name was probably Cloud.
"Um, why don't you introduce me to everyone here? Before we continue."
"Sure." Said Keith. "This is Bella."
The large women came over and shook my hand with a firm grip.
"Hi, my pronouns are she/her."
"Pronouns?"
"Like how Keith prefers to be referred to as a male. Pronouns are stuff like she/her/he/him/they/them."
"They/them?"
"That's me!"
The guy who was probably named Cloud walked up to me and enthusiastically shook my hand with a strong grip.
"My name is Cloud. I'm also Bella's partner. My pronouns are they/them."
"I don't understand. What does they/them mean?"
"It's a bit hard to explain, but it means I don't identify as a man or a woman."
"But you look like a guy."
"That's because I present as masculine."
"So, even though you don't align to any specific gender, you like to look like a guy?"
"Not look like a guy, but look masculine."
"I don't fully get it, but ok. It's nice to meet everyone."
"It's always nice to have a fresh face in here." Said Cloud.
"So, let me ask, what are your pronouns?" Asked Keith.
"Hmmm, I guess I'd like to try out she/her, since I've never had the chance to try it before."
"So, you're trans then?"
"No, I'm just a guy who wishes they were a woman."
Bella gave out a loud sigh.
"She doesn't get it."
"Sonny, wanting to be a woman is what being trans is." Said Keith.
"So, wanting to be a woman makes me trans."
"Well-"
"Not necessarily!" Interjected Bella. "Not to say that doesn't mean you aren't trans. But, why do you want to be a woman exactly?"
"Now, Bella, that's a very personal question." Said Cloud.
"No, it's fine. I can't come here asking for answers and not give you some of my own. When I think about it, it feels so very wrong to be a man. Being a man to me, it's like someone made a choice for me and I'm just supposed to go along with it. If I had been given the chance to make the choice, I would have chosen to be a woman instead. It just feels logical to want to be a woman. It's the correct choice for arguably everyone, if you ask me."
"Except there are people, people like Keith and people like Cloud who disagree with you on that."
"And I don't understand that. It makes no sense."
"It's not supposed to make sense to you. Your gender is your own decision. From what you tell me, I would say that you are most likely trans."
"Most likely? Isn't there some way to know for sure."
"Absolutely not. Not the way you're looking for."
"I'd say, the best way to discover if you're trans or not is to take steps towards things that make you happy." Said Keith. "If it makes you happy to wear women's clothing, then do that. If it makes you happy to be referred to as a woman, then insist upon that. If the idea of becoming a woman makes you happy, you should do whatever is necessary to achieve that goal."
"That wasn't the answer I was looking for. I wish-"
"There is no sure fire way, and wishing for one won't do anything for you." Said Bella.
"Well, if there is no guaranteed answer, I want to explore more. I don't fully get all this stuff-"
"No one expects you to get it immediately." Said Cloud.
"Thank you, Cloud. I want to understand what it is that I am. Would you all help me with that?"
"Of course." Said Keith and Cloud.
"Alright." Said Bella.
"Actually," said Cloud, "I have an idea? Since this is the LGBT alliance club, why don't we have little presentations to teach Sonny about being trans?"
"That sounds like a great idea, babe!"
"I agree. What do you think Sonny, want to take a course in trans and LGBT studies?"
"Absolutely."
A chance to learn about myself would be awesome.
"How about, say each one of us pick a topic we're interested in and go once a week." Said Cloud.
"Sounds good to me." Said Keith.
"Thanks guys. Other than learning about being trans, I think the first thing I want to do is have more public outings in my women's outfits, since I only just started doing them. Would one of you be able to help me with that?"
"Actually, I've been going out as a guy for a while now, I could definitely help you out; and that could give us some time to discuss some of the things you don't understand about being trans." Said Keith.
"You free tomorrow after school?"
"Yeah."
And so the date was set. Keith and I decided we would go to the local park for a walk.
It was the next day and I was looking through some of the new clothes I had just gotten. As it was my first time out with someone else while wearing my women's clothing, I decided to pick a nice outfit. Today's pick would be a nice pair up of a red blouse and a long blue skirt. Something especially feminine, which I imagined would help push me more in this situation. By the time I got myself ready, there was a knock at the basement door. I went to open it up and there was Keith, dressed in a brown sweater shirt, and dark blue dress pants, with a blue jacket draped over his shoulder. To say it simply, he looked good.
"Dressing nice today?"
"Yeah, I decided I wanted to look good for our little get together. You yourself look nice too. I really like the overalls."
"No, I feel like I'm underdressed compared to you."
"No need to feel that way, you look beautiful."
There was that word again, beautiful. I've called myself beautiful a dozen different times, but no one else has ever called me beautiful before.
"Th- Thank you."
"No problem. Now, you ready to go?"
"Yeah, let's go!"
I locked the basement door behind me and walked beside Keith as he led me to his pickup truck.
"By the way, I got you something." Said Keith.
"Oh, you didn't have to get me a gift."
"It's not a gift, it's a book."
Keith handed me a small black leather bound book.
"There's no words in this book."
"No, you add the words yourself. I want you to write about the things you learn about being trans. The little discoveries you make. Maybe it'll better help you learn."
"Thanks. I'll make sure to use it."
As we got in and he started the engine, I couldn't help but ask "So, what's up with the pickup truck?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, it's old and rusty."
"Carla isn't rusty."
"Carla? You named your car Carla?"
"Yeah, you didn't name your car?"
"No, I didn't. My car is just a car."
"Well, Carla is more than a car. She's a reliable little demon."
"Ok, well why are you driving such an old devil?"
"She's what I could afford at the time."
"Oh, so you bought this thing?"
"Yeah, I saved up for months to be able to get her."
"My parents actually got me my car."
"That's nice. My parents offered to buy me a car, but I wanted to earn it on my own."
"No way would I turn down a free car."
"I like to feel like I worked hard for what I have. But, there's nothing wrong with taking a gift like that."
I liked that answer. I was afraid Keith would say something like I was spoiled or privileged.
We continued driving and I would occasionally come up with little bits of small talk. It was awkward for me; other than Steven, I hadn't talked to many people in a long while. Eventually we got to the park, Keith parked the truck and we both got out and began to walk down the path.
"It's a very nice day out, don't you think?"
"Oh, I totally agree. It's not even that cold for December."
"Well, it did only just switch over to winter. I hear it might actually be cold enough to snow next week."
"Oh, really. I really enjoy the snow."
"Yeah, the snow is nice. But it does suck that the water's gonna freeze over soon."
We walked deeper and deeper into the wooded area of the park, continuing to talk about a variety of different things. Keith apparently enjoyed paddle boating and, until recently, had been taking her inflatable boat onto the lake as often as possible. I had never been on a boat before. Keith likened it to being alone in your own floating world, just you and the sun. I talked about the different variety of outfits I had accumulated, how I picked each piece of clothing to perfectly match and create an image of beauty and femininity.
"That's so cool. You really do look cute in that outfit."
"Thanks."
"You know, a lot of people think it's easy for me to pick out guy clothes, but I put in a lot of effort myself into getting the right look."
"Oh, I can tell. The outfit you have on today is absolutely stunning."
"You think so?"
"Are you kidding me? You look so amazing."
"Thank you. Do you think I look like a guy?"
My instinctual response was to just say yes, but instead, I took a moment to actually look over Keith's body. It was hard to deny that his face had some feminine features, even with the well done make-up he was wearing. But, the outfit, the hair, and just the general fact that I myself was a feminine looking guy, all came together to make me give a confident and truthful answer of "Yes".
"And I think you look like a woman."
"You really mean that? I mean this outfit isn't that overly feminine."
"It doesn't have to be feminine. You look feminine without it and without all the make-up. I've seen you in boy mode before and I gotta say, you still have a feminine appearance to you."
As the conversation continued further on, we eventually hit the end of the wooded trail and turned back around. For the rest of the walk back, we mostly just observed the picturesque nature and the few animals that scurried along our path. It was a very nice day, a better day than I'd had in a long long time. Truly, this was the way to live. Perhaps, there was something to this whole transgender thing I was missing out on.
"Keith, let me ask you something. About being transgender, I mean."
"Oh, sure, go ahead."
"How- How did you know you were trans? I mean, I feel like I would be happier as a woman, but I don't know if I can say I am a woman trapped in a man's body. It's hard to understand and explain it, but it's like-"
"It's like something is wrong, right?"
"Yeah, kinda. I mean, to me, if I could just flip a magic switch that could change me into an actual woman, I wouldn't even think twice about it. But, to actually call myself a woman, to change my body like I've seen on the internet…"
"It's a lot, isn't it? I'll be honest with you. For me it was easy to know I was trans. I had always felt uncomfortable being a woman. I would call myself a man and act like a man. I even wondered when my penis would grow in. Heh. I learned about transitioning at an early age and instantly knew that was what I wanted."
"That must be nice, to just know what you are and not have to question it. Maybe that means I'm not trans?"
"Oh, no, you shouldn't think that. There are a lot of trans people who questioned what they were. I mean, just ask Cloud."
"Cloud isn't trans, they're non-binary."
"Non-binary is a form of being trans."
"Really?"
"Yeah, in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Cloud's presentation was about being non-binary.
"Hmm, well, I guess that'll be a great opportunity to learn about it."
And right about when our conversation ended, we made it out of the woods. We quickly made our way to the truck and as we drove off, I made sure to write down what I had learned in my book.
'Some people know they're trans inherently. They have distinct knowledge that they are not the gender they were assigned at birth.'
By the time we got back to my house, it was already late in the day. Too late, actually. As Keith pulled up, I saw my parents' cars in the driveway. They were home. They were home and I was dressed up fully in women's clothing. This was a nightmare. This wasn't just a nightmare, at least nightmares end, at least you don't have to feel the pain of your parents disowning you, at least you don't have to worry if you'll have somewhere to sleep tomorrow.
"Do me a favor and keep driving. Just don't speed up too fast. Be real casual about it."
"Why are you acting so weird?"
"Just keep driving. My parents are home."
"Oh shit! I assume they don't know about the whole clothes thing?"
"Hell no, they don't know. And there's no way I'm gonna let them know right now. Now, just keep driving."
As Keith continued to drive up the road, my mind ran at a million miles a minute trying to figure out what I can do to save myself. Maybe, if I'm lucky, they're not in the basement. Maybe they're already upstairs watching tv. No, they would have checked up on me if they didn't see me downstairs, and with my car in the driveway, the only way I would have gotten out is if someone came to pick me up. They're gonna want to ask questions, they could be waiting for me right outside my door. Even if they're not, there's still a chance dad will be downstairs in his workshop. I definitely can't let him catch me like this. What can I do? Fuck, what can I do!!!
Suddenly, Keith pulled over to a section of the road, with nothing but trees on both sides.
"Why are you pulling over?"
"Take your clothes off."
"What?!"
"You heard me; I said take your clothes off."
Keith begins to take his shirt off.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Don't you get it? If we switch clothes, you can walk into your house looking like a boy."
As Keith lifted his shirt over his head, I saw some kind of bra like thing on top of his chest.
"What is that?"
"It's a binder. It's meant to compress my breasts so I look more like a guy. Now take your blouse off."
Realizing that Keith was right, I unbutton my blouse and take it off. For a moment, Keith stares at my exposed chest before something makes me instinctively cross my arms in front of it to block his view.
"Sorry, that was… sorry."
I took Keith's sweater and put it on over my head, while he put my blouse on himself. I then slipped my skirt off and quickly grabbed the pair of jeans he had just taken off, trying to minimize the chances of him looking at my panties as I shimmied them on. I didn't get to see Keith's underwear, but it didn't really matter that much to me. With both of us dressed in each other's clothes, and me removing my wig, I realized how silly Keith looked.
"You look like a guy dressed as a girl."
"That's exactly the kind of thing I want to hear."
Keith put the car back into drive and turned around to head back to my house. Once we arrived I had Keith pull over in front of a tree so nobody would see me get out of the truck. I hopped out and walked to the basement entrance, hearing Keith's truck drive off. Once I got inside, I could hear the tv going upstairs and saw no light in my father's workshop. I guess I freaked out for no good reason.
Chapter 4
The next week, it was Cloud who decided to go first with their presentation. As they walked up to the front of the classroom, holding some paper in their hand, they pulled out a pair of reading glasses and began to read what was on the pages, while we all sat back and listened to them.
"As you all know, I'm non-binary. That means my gender doesn't fit neatly into the categories of male or female. Binary genders are usually understood as just those two options. Being non-binary means my gender exists outside of that system.
I was assigned female at birth, but I don't see myself as a woman and I also don't see myself as a man. For me, non-binary feels like the most accurate way to describe that experience. Other people experience non-binary differently, but this is what it means for me.
Some people feel their gender very strongly. Others don't. For me, it's more like I know what I am not, rather than having a strong feeling about what I am. That doesn't make my gender any less real, it's just how I experience it. "Now, just because I'm non-binary doesn't mean I don't have a gender expression. Gender identity is who you are on the inside. Gender expression is how you choose to present yourself to the world. My expression is masculine. I wear men's clothing, keep my hair short, and present myself in ways people usually read as masculine. That's how I'm comfortable expressing myself but it doesn't determine my gender."
I can see that Cloud is getting to the end of their papers.
"Now, let me ask you, Sonny, what ways do you like to express your gender?"
Cloud takes off their glasses and looks up at me.
"I like to wear women's clothing, I like to wear long haired wigs, I like to put on makeup, I like to be seen as feminine."
"That would be a feminine or fem gender expression. Now, let me ask you; does having a feminine gender expression mean that you are a woman?"
"Well, I thought so at first; I mean wanting to look like a woman must automatically mean I want to be a woman, right? But, based on what you said, that's probably wrong. I mean, just because you want to look and act masculine doesn't make you a guy; you're very clear on the fact that you're not a male or a female. So, me looking and acting feminine doesn't make me a trans woman."
"That's exactly right."
"I have questions though."
"Go right ahead and ask them."
"I assume being non-binary is a form of being transgender?"
"Many non-binary people consider themselves transgender, because their gender is different from the one they were assigned at birth. Some don't use the word 'trans' for themselves, and that's okay too. What matters is whether the label feels right to the person using it."
"You mentioned other genders besides male, female, and non-binary. What are they?"
"I can't possibly list all of them, trust me there are way too many to count, but to simplify it, there are genders like genderfluid, which means your gender changes on a frequent basis. One day you could feel like you're a guy, and the next day you could feel like you're a woman, and the next day after that, you could feel like you're non-binary; keep in mind, it can also last longer or shorter than that. Other gender examples are demi-genders, demi-boy and demi-girl being two of them. To explain demi-genders, it's like if you didn't fully align to being a man or a woman, but you still felt a strong pull towards one or the other. Like, I could be gender-fluid, but still feel like I'm mostly a woman or mostly a man. Gender is a complicated subject, but to best explain it, these are all just labels. Gender can be anything, it's whatever you feel is correct for you."
That last part really got to me. It's hard to explain it, but I don't always feel like I need to be a woman, which is why I've doubted it for so long. Hearing that I don't specifically have to be a trans woman, that I could be just about anything, just gives me this wonderful feeling of freedom.
"But I must ask. What if I can't find the right form of transgender for me? What if there is no label for what I am?"
"Then you come up with a label. Just because there isn't one that already exists, doesn't invalidate your own gender. For the longest time, stuff like genderfluid, non-binary, gender-neutral, demi-genders, and more didn't exist as labels. Someone felt that way about themselves and that was the label they came up with. You don't even have to assign a label to yourself, just be the person you want to be."
"Can I ask something, babes?" Asked Bella.
"Absolutely."
"What made you realize you were non-binary?"
"Not like you don't already know the answer to that, but to enlighten Sonny, I realized I was non-binary after a lot of soul searching. When I was growing up, I never felt comfortable being referred to as a woman. I always found any gender descriptions as applicable to me. I didn't really jive with any of them. I spent a lot of time wondering and when I eventually learned about the term non-binary, I almost instantly knew it was what I was. However , it took me years to actually come to terms with that. I didn't come out to myself until I was sixteen."
"Sixteen?" I asked. "Isn't that a bit young to decide what you are?"
"Absolutely not. Some children know what they are as young as three."
"As young as three?"
"Yeah." Said Keith. "I knew from my earliest memories that I saw myself as a boy. I remember expecting to grow a penis at some point before my parents explained how that worked."
"Well…" I started. "Now that you mention it, I have these memories, when I was a kid, I would dress up in my female cousin's clothes. I'd wear her princess outfit and run around the house thinking I was a pretty girl. My dad would always throw a fit when he saw me wearing it."
"That's cute." Said Cloud. "But, yes, that can be a sign of being a trans woman; at the same time it could just be your feminine gender expression coming out. At the end of the day, how you dress, your hair, what you make yourself look like doesn't dictate if you're trans or not."
"Then what does?"
"You do."
"What if I don't always feel one way or the other. Like, some days I feel more like I want to be a woman, but some days it doesn't matter to me. That doesn't mean I want to be a boy, it just means I don't necessarily care about being a woman."
"I'd say that sounds like being gender fluid. That's where your gender identity changes from day to day." Said Cloud.