Days of continuous rain had left my sleep extremely unsettled. I drifted in and out of dreams, never fully at rest. Sometime past midnight, another wave of nausea forced me awake. I pushed myself up, about to call for Chunyu to bring some warm water, when I heard deliberately lowered voices coming from outside.
It was Xiao Yuhuang and Qin Gugu.
"…Your Majesty, please reconsider." Qin Gugu's voice was old and heavy. "This old woman knows you cherish the young master, but this medicine… in the end, it damages the body."
"Damaging the body is better than losing his life." Xiao Yuhuang's voice was cold, as if quenched in ice. "That day you made it clear. If this fetus is kept, he will not last past seven months."
"But the young master, he…"
"He is soft-hearted. I cannot afford to be soft-hearted with him." Xiao Yuhuang cut her off. "Is the medicine prepared?"
There was a stretch of silence. Then came the soft sound of a porcelain bottle being set on the table.
"This is Huayu Powder, the mildest formula for inducing miscarriage." Qin Gugu's voice trembled. "It takes effect three hours after ingestion. It will expel the fetal sac like a menstrual flow. The pain is the least, and the damage to the father's body is minimal. It is just… Your Majesty, if the young master finds out…"
"He will not find out." Xiao Yuhuang's voice was decisive. "Say that the travel of the past two days has disturbed the fetal qi and that he needs medicine to calm the spirit. You will personally watch him drink it."
I sat in the darkness, ice-cold from head to toe.
Huayu Powder. I knew exactly what it was. A secret medicine of the palace, prepared especially for palace attendants who conceived children they should not have. It was said that after taking it, the abdominal pain would be like twisting knives and there would be a great deal of bleeding, but it would not harm the root.
So she had never truly compromised.
So all that gentle companionship, those nights of softly stroking my lower abdomen, those names Anning and Huaijin, were all false. In her heart, she had already sentenced this child to death.
I threw off the quilt and walked barefoot to the door. When my hand pressed against the door panel, my fingertips were trembling.
"Your Majesty," Qin Gugu's voice suddenly rose slightly, "this old woman dares to ask one question. If one day the young master realizes it, how will you face him?"
Outside the door, it was quiet for a long time.
Then I heard Xiao Yuhuang's voice, so soft it was almost inaudible. "I would rather he hate me for a lifetime than let him die."
The door was yanked open.
Candlelight surged in, stabbing my eyes until I squinted. Xiao Yuhuang and Qin Gugu stood outside. On the table indeed sat a small celadon bottle. Seeing me there, both of them froze.
"Yu Zhi?" Xiao Yuhuang's expression changed abruptly. "Why are you awake?"
I looked into her eyes and asked, word by word, "What is that?"
She instinctively moved to hide the porcelain bottle behind her. "It is… medicine to calm the spirit. You have not been sleeping well these past two days. I had Qin Gugu…"
"Huayu Powder." I cut her off. My voice was so calm it surprised even me. "You are going to get rid of my child."
It was not a question. It was a statement.
Xiao Yuhuang's face went deathly pale in an instant.
Qin Gugu dropped to her knees with a thud. "Young master, please quell your anger! Her Majesty, she… she is just too worried about you…"
"Get out," I said to Qin Gugu.
"Young master…"
"Get out!" Xiao Yuhuang barked sharply, her eyes locked on me.
Qin Gugu looked deeply at the two of us, then withdrew and gently closed the door behind her.
Only the two of us remained in the room. The candle flame flickered, stretching our shadows long and distorted, tearing them into a tangled mass on the wall.
"Give it to me." I held out my hand.
Xiao Yuhuang took a step back, clutching the porcelain bottle tighter. "Yu Zhi, listen to my explanation…"
"Explain what?" I stepped forward, tears surging up without warning. "Explain how you coaxed me with talk of 'our child' while preparing poison to kill him? Xiao Yuhuang, that is your flesh and blood. It is a life!"
"I know!" she roared, her eyes filling with tears as well. "I know better than anyone that it is my flesh and blood! But Yu Zhi, I cannot… I cannot watch you die!"
"How do you know I will definitely die?!" My voice was hoarse. "Qin Gugu said it was only a possibility. Only a risk. We can find a way. We can look for better physicians, we can…"
"I cannot gamble!" She suddenly grabbed my shoulders, gripping so hard it hurt. "Yu Zhi, I cannot gamble! Do you understand? I would rather be childless for the rest of my life, rather be cursed by the entire world, than let anything happen to you!"
Her tears rolled down, splashing onto the back of my hand, scalding hot.
"When I was six years old," she choked, each word forced through clenched teeth, "I watched my own father consort die in my arms. Just because… he took in a kind-hearted person…"
She closed her eyes, tears pouring out. "I watched him… watched him breathe his last in my arms. From that moment on, I swore that if I ever loved someone in this life, I would protect him completely."
I froze.
She had never once mentioned this past to me.
"Yu Zhi," she opened her eyes, tears blurring her vision, "every night when I hold you, I can feel you growing thinner. When I feel your pulse, it weakens day by day. I am afraid… terribly afraid. Afraid that one day I will wake up and you will be like my father consort, lying cold in my arms, never waking again…"
She was shaking as she cried, like a helpless child.
The wall of anger in my heart collapsed with a thunderous crash at that very moment.