After saying goodbye to Feng Feng and Old Chen's barbecue stall, I wandered aimlessly on my way home. Shanghai at night isn't as deserted as a small town. If you could visit Magic City and witness the flow of people at night, you'd be shocked.
Here, if you don't have a prominent family background or exceptional talent, your fate will be the same as mine: wandering the streets all night.
Old Chen and his wife's barbecue stall wasn't too far from the "birdcage" I rented in this city, only about a 20-minute walk. But I took a whole hour.
It wasn't that I didn't want to go home, I was also very tired. But I was even more afraid of facing the empty living room, afraid of the suffocating loneliness, and afraid of the insomnia brought on by lying on a cold bed all night.
Once, I longed to go home. When Mi Xinxin hadn't abandoned me, I was the most eager to get off work every day, just to see the face that could make me go crazy with dopamine in the shortest amount of time; just to hear her softly sing Jay Chou songs for me; just to eat a dinner full of love when I got home; just to hug her immediately when I got home so that I wouldn't feel lonely anymore.
In the blink of an eye, I arrived at this place called "home." My residence was in a very dilapidated old district, and only a few scattered lights were still on when looking up from below.
I thought, even in the most dilapidated living environment, there would always be a place called "home," where a woman who wasn't outstanding in appearance, just ordinary, would be waiting for a man struggling in society. I really envied this kind of love.
The roar of a dilapidated car tore through the originally cold and deserted old district. I clearly saw a man get out of a Toyota, who knows how many hands it had been through, and carry his hands full of cheap, even slightly rotten vegetables. It must be very difficult to live in this city that only cares about money.
The roar of a car also startled the ordinary woman upstairs. Unlike other women in Shanghai who demanded high-quality, refined living environments and Michelin five-star meals for every meal, she saw the large bag of vegetables her husband was carrying and happily threw it down from upstairs, almost falling in the process. She patiently took the heavy bag from her husband's hands, and at that moment, she looked like the happiest woman in the world, walking side-by-side with her husband towards the place called "home."
Seeing this scene, I felt even more alone and pathetic. Once upon a time, I also had a woman whose eyes were always on me. Once upon a time, I was happier than that man. Once upon a time, I was about to enter the hall of marriage.
But, everything happened too suddenly. I fell from the peak of happiness to the bottom of the most painful abyss.
I silently lit a cigarette for myself. This time, unlike usual, I didn't take a deep drag, greedily enjoying the nicotine. Instead, I let the cigarette in my hand be gently blown by the evening breeze. I knew that this slight breeze couldn't extinguish the stubbornness of nicotine and carbon monoxide.
But I'm also a stubborn mule, and I just had to bet on this moment.
I lost. Even the most stubborn nicotine flame couldn't withstand the gentle blow of society.
I resigned myself to fate. Instead of living in the shadow of pain all day, living in an empty room, and sleeping on a cold bed at night, it was better to completely fall into the bar and enjoy the pleasure of singing and dancing day and night.
I decided, I'm going back to the bar again, continuing to live a life as free as the wind. Just as I was about to pick a lucky person to save the turnover of some little cutie.
The sudden ring of my phone broke my train of thought. I looked at the screen, which displayed three large characters: Sister Xi Yun. The ringtone was still the song she sang herself, Actor.
She once told me that losing Mi Xinxin had drained all the life from me. I'd become like an actor wearing a mask, aimlessly drifting through this cutthroat society.
I pondered for a moment, wondering whether to answer the call. Ultimately, reason overcame my hesitation. With a sense of relief, I pressed the answer button, carefully holding the phone to my ear. Soon, a voice that brought me some comfort came through.
"Little Ruan, long time no see. Do you miss your dear Sister Yun? Come out for a drink, yeah?"