The alarm cut through the darkness, sharp and loud.
June turned her body heavy, her mind slow to catch up. The room was still dim, had stopped for a while. The chilly air brushed against her skin. She reached out and silenced the sound, the sudden quiet ringing in her ears.
It was 2 a.m.
Her phone buzzed again, this time with a call.
June stared at the screen without picking it up. She let it ring twice.
Then she answered.
"Hey...Dad," she said, her voice hoarse.
The line crackled softly. Her father's voice followed, soft and gentle.
"You picked faster than the other days... You haven't slept yet?"
June sat up slowly, pressing her feet against the cold floor. "no... Woke up for water," she lied.
Her father had always called early because that was the only time he found to talk to June. The time zones had trained him to live ahead of everyone else.
June leaned against the edge of the bed, phone pressed to her ear, listening to her father talk. While she quickly turned on her laptop.
June then placed her laptop on her bed facing her. Her dad now stared through the screen. As he spoke, she somehow forgot about everything else and was calm. A smile spread across her face when he made jokes.
June's father raised two children alone after her mother died bringing her into the world, and in the months that followed, everything else was taken too... the house, the savings, the people who promised to help and disappeared instead.
All he had left was a six-year-old boy and a newborn who cried through his already breaking nights.
And still, he persevered.
He worked jobs that broke his back and a Punch to the gut everyday. He trusted the wrong people. Lost money he couldn't afford to lose. But when he fell, he still got up back up again, quieter but more determined. And June saw all that, it pushed her to study law so she could protect her dad. So he wouldn't be in an unfair situation ever again.
Eventually, Things stated to work out.
A new high paying job. A promotion to chief auditor. A transfer overseas.
A home he bought with his own hands. Prestigious schools he could now afford without complaints. He even rented out an apartment for June so she would have space to herself.
Despite June being the youngest of the two, her father had long believed she was a happy girl, who seemed to fit every where. He never had to worry about her ever.
But he was wrong.
June had always thought she never fitted in. Through out school, she had been bullied so much by those who called themselves friends, mentors and classmates.
So the idea of friends scared her. Until he came along.
Years before Ryan, she met her first love.
He came like a strong wind that dragged her along. He pushed her into the spotlight, turned her into a student leader, surrounded her with people who shared her interests. For the first time, she felt seen. Chosen.
He whispered sweet words. Honeyed words filled the cracks in her self-doubt.He felt like some one who actually cared.
Then something changed.
Slowly, his grip tightened, his words turned toxic. He'd 'joke' about her nerdy friends, making her laugh at their expense, until she was now alone. He' then 'advised ' her to focus on him, until her world narrowed to his needs.
That she didn't need anyone else.
His friends would be her friends.
His crowd would be her crowd.
But she was never truly welcome.
Still, she clung to him... and in doing so, lost herself.
But she wasn't welcomed. Instead she clung tightly to him. And lost more of herself in the process.
His words became shackles. Every glance at the mirror showed a girl who was smaller, dimmer, than the one who first believed she was loved. He stripped away her friends one by one, made her doubt her worth, until the isolation itself felt like proof of his devotion.
And when she'd lost herself completely, he discarded her for his best friend, the one he'd sworn was 'just a friend'."
It wasn't just that he left...it was the way he left. Like she was disposable. Like she was wrong to have believed she was enough. And turned her into a laughing stock at school. Only for June to find out it was only a bet.
That wound never really healed.
So when Ryan showed up, June didn't know how to breathe around him. He was different, and different was terrifying.
Ryan was different kind of different.
With him, she had started to believe maybe not everyone was bad. Not everyone will hurt her. Not everyone would leave her. Ryan was that "not everyone" to her.
He laughed beside her, not at her. He said she was unique, rare, that the very way she twisted her words made him lean closer, made him want to learn her vocabulary.
"you are adorable when you try to explain yourself," he once said to her.
To Ryan, she was a puzzle he wanted to keep solving. And to June, he was a mystery she couldn't stop chasing.
Ryan had always told her. She was an intriguing puzzle he wanted to keep solving. He placed in the effort.
He learned her hobbies, memorized her favorite foods, asked about the things she loved. He even met her father once, through a video call, as if he intended to stay.
She had tried to to peel away his mask of easy smiles and careless jokes, but there seemed to be another mask to right under. He always felt just out of reach. She could sense the weight in him the things he didn't say, the truths hiding behind his grin. Sometimes it made her ache. Sometimes it made her want to push harder.
And still, she stayed.
When Ryan was near, her body loosened in ways it hadn't in years. Her insomnia vanished, as if exorcised. His voice on the other end of the phone during their late-night calls soothed her like a lullaby. Some nights, they didn't even talk, they simply fell asleep, listening to each other breathe.
Somewhere in all of that, her feelings shifted. She started to crave him more. She wanted to tell him...
I like the way you call my name.
You make me feel safe.
I think I'm starting to hate you less.
But the words stayed locked in her throat. Because she knew what happened when you trusted too much, when you let someone too close... Close enough to see your demons. They always left.
And maybe she was right. Because no matter how tightly she held on, Ryan seemed to drift further....
Further and further away.
Dear diary,
Having someone like him made me feel lucky... Happy... like myself again
Maybe I wanted too much of you.
And my greed...
It must pushed him away, didn't it?