It took a long time before I fully sorted out my thoughts.
And when my mind was clear enough to decide, I called Lily.
"I need to tell you something."
She prepared to sit, but I shook my head, standing up.
"Not here, we need to be alone."
Without asking, she led me to a room, and after securing the door, we sat down.
Lily reached out to hold my hand. "We're still safe now, right?"
That was one of my worries, and she wanted me to feel at ease, but she didn't know what I now knew.
"I'm not in danger as much as you are."
She remained calm. "It's because you overreacted back there. I know you didn't mean to attack me; it's all their doing."
How ironic. That's exactly what I wanted to do there.
"Lily, they did nothing to me. I wanted to kill you."
Her expression didn't change still. "You didn't."
"I did."
She frowned slightly.
"But you stopped, it wasn't you."
"No," I shook my head. "I wanted to do it. I agreed to it, and it made sense for a moment."
I continued.
"There is another me... No, there's no other me, it's still me..."
"What's wrong with you?" The faintest bit of worry crept into her voice.
"We died together back then, that's why we're damned, Lily, but that was my second time...I've died twice. Once, before I even met you."
If I didn't feel the way she held my hand, I wouldn't know she reacted to what I said.
Lily's suicidal attempt and my choice to make a deal to let us live again are two topics we mostly avoided, but...
"I didn't remember it all until I was burning what he gave me."
I looked into her eyes, letting her see how serious this was.
"I remembered another life. I lived an entire life before this, had a different name, under another sky.
I loved death."
"I joined...a group, and they chose me to ascend."
I paused for a moment, still confused.
"I don't remember, or even know if that was the past, future, or an entirely different world, and I don't know why I lived twice. I don't know why I remember any of this, and I know it's no dream."
I held her hand tighter, despite my fear of the urge I had to kill her.
"The world ended, and everything died. I think the same will happen to this world."
Her brows creased. Lily would never doubt me, but now, I thought she was, and she had good reason to doubt.
None of this made sense.
"I feel the group I joined in my past is connected to this.
Maybe they're the same people, or maybe not, but when The First Ascended spoke, I felt and knew those words from my past."
I let out the breath I was holding, realizing something else.
"I now understand why when you look at me, I'm blank. I'm not a human or a vampire from this world. I'm not...the same person you know."
I pulled my hand away, but she grabbed it almost instantly.
"Lily, I'm just as dangerous to you as the other ascended. Let go, I can help keep you safe while—"
"You promised to stay, remember? You said you'll stay." Lily wasn't begging me to stay; she wasn't the type to do that. She just chose to remind me of the vow that bound me to her.
Yes, I promise to stay, but not when I'm the danger.
"I—"
"If you won't stay, I'll stay with you."