After that mission with Lily, tonight suddenly became quiet.
Nights were always quiet, and I always loved the silence it gave and the solace I got from this time.
The night is a luxury I can never afford to waste, and so I stay awake.
I doodled away in my diary with music from my headphones stealing me away into my own world.
Solitude.
But I didn't notice.
That for the past hour, my book was blank, and my hand just hovered over the empty page.
My mind was just blank, and though I heard the music, I still heard silence.
I closed my eyes for five seconds, but I couldn't clear my mind of the emptiness that filled it—How ironic.
It was 10 pm—too early for me to sleep.
Insomnia
I went to the window for some air, and that was when I felt it.
I had no idea why it happened, but my eyes suddenly flared open, and my mind was in a whir. I sucked in my breath and felt weird in my chest.
This strange feeling that I could not comprehend exploded within me.
My heart thumped wildly, and I could feel my blood rushing through my veins.
Shivers.
I was shivering, and everything started to get colder by the second.
I had not the slightest idea of what was going on.
I shook my head and felt something cold on my face.
"I'm crying?"
My sight became bleary.
Confusion.
My heart was heavy with—
Loss.
From deep within, I knew I had lost something, something precious, something dear to me that no one could replace, and it hurt badly.
Pain
It felt like thousands of nails were piercing my chest. I clutched it, hoping to grab the pain, but it remained within me, and now I was gasping for air.
"What's going on?" Tears flowed down my face on their own accord, and I felt sad, hurt, and empty.
It was like someone had pulled out my organs.
I felt like tearing everything apart and screaming, but no...I didn't.
I grit my teeth and endured the pain as silently as I could, unable to move even an inch as the slightest movement racked my body with pain.
I kept mute, thinking of what, or who, it was that I had lost, my mind forcing me to ignore the obvious answer.
The tears just came, and I had no control over them.
I really couldn't think straight.
The more my mind focused on the feeling, the more I became certain that someone dear to me had left me behind, and that we might never meet again. But who? Who is it?
Why did you leave me behind?
Anger.
Slowly, frustration found its way, creeping into me, and now, I was pissed, so freakin' pissed.
Family?
The family was fine.
I kept wondering, but then I suddenly felt like a huge boulder was being dropped on me as a thought flashed through my mind.
A blurred image of that person came to mind.
"How did I not notice?"
I realized I was speaking to myself, and my voice was raspy and dry, almost like I was choking.
I opened my eyes to find myself on the floor, not even knowing they were closed in the first place.
I shut my eyes tightly again and felt numb all over.
My head throbbed with pain, and I felt like I was falling, falling into an endless hole of darkness.
The same image came again into my mind's eye, sending a wave of pain through my body.
She stood there silently, acknowledging me with only a sad-looking back.
It seemed so close, yet so far away.
I called out, but my voice didn't exist.
Desperation.
I scratched my throat, clawed at it, but it didn't work
The image started to fade away like a fresh painting being washed with water, and I panicked.
I felt my heart racing, and that was when I realized I was losing consciousness as everything started to grow dim.
I forced my eyes open, and the image became clear again. Looking at her back, I was getting irritated that I was being ignored.
Again.
"Turn around and look at me!"
I screamed the words in my head, but my lips couldn't form them.
I wanted to see that familiar face and what expression it held, but I never got that.
My eyelids started to draw down, and with that, she started to fade away. I stretched out my arm, wheezing as I tried to keep my eyes open.
As everything was slowly replaced with darkness, the voice came to me in a whisper.
"I'm sorry."
I tried to fight back the fatigue, but I couldn't hold myself from the unconsciousness that consumed me.
"This is a dream. It has to be." I said to myself, knowing I would wake up to realize it was a dream.
This happened to me quite often.
Dreams that felt so real, but I'd always figure it out as the dream ended.
This was one such dream, and I knew I would soon be waking up to the real world.
With pain.
*******************************************************
If I were to calculate, then I'd be staring at the white ceiling for about seventeen minutes now.
I got up into a sitting position, and the thick blanket fell off. The cool air from the A.C. washed over me, seeping through to my skin.
This made me conscious of the loose-fitting clothes I wore.
I didn't wear this
I looked around the simple white room I was in. My eyes came to land on the figure asleep beside the bed.
I guess my movements woke her up, for she raised her head from the bed when I shifted.
I saw the transition of her face from groggy to awake to shock, then joy, all in the same second.
I was dazed when she suddenly held me tightly in a motherly embrace.
"Don't ever scare me like that. What were you thinking?!"
At the latter part, her voice quivered, and I understood she was happy, but when she pulled her head back and I saw the tears, I realized I had mistaken her crying for joy.
It wasn't a dream.
That was all I could think of, and from her expression, I could guess my face was still in shock from the realization that dawned on me.
Worry tugged at my heartstrings as I looked at her disheveled copper hair and the dark circles around her eyes. She had stayed in here with me for as long as I remained in the bed, getting no good sleep.
"Why aren't you speaking? Say something to your mother at least."
Her voice was still the same as I remembered.
Calm and soothing, even when all she felt was worry deep down.
She would always make you feel safe and assured that she was doing it all for you without any trouble.
Everyone who knew my mother knew her as a strong-willed woman, but I knew better.
She was a very weak person who would break down at the slightest but was also good at hiding it well from others.
Keeping a front
I sometimes used to see her in tears, crying after an argument with my father.
The first time I remember was when I was eight.
The sight moved me to tears. It took all I could to hold it back and go hide away to cry so she wouldn't worry about me.
She mostly cheered me up, even when she was feeling more pain than I was.
Before I knew it, I had all these traits ingrained deep as part of me- a weak, but strong person.
I promised, after that image of her in tears burned into my mind, that I would never let her worry about me, but once again, I failed.
I stared down at my hands that gripped the white blanket.
"I'm alive, and okay, aren't I?" I said in a whisper that she could hear.
I couldn't look at her face, for I was filled with the guilt of letting her worry, so I looked out the window beside the bed to distract myself.
I could see the bright blue sky with a few scattered clouds.
That was all I stared at, and the silence healed me. I didn't want to think of how I ended up in the hospital.
My mother remained silent as well, understanding my silent request perfectly.
I knew very well that if I were to turn around, she would have that soothing, motherly smile on her face, and that would hurt me, for she always did that, trying to hide her pain.
A perfect mask.
I already felt the hurt in my heart, just thinking of it.