Chapter 46: The 1,000 Years of Death and the Existential Crisis of Handy Wendy
[Noko Shikanoko POV]
The path to the USJ is paved with good intentions and bad traffic.
I was technically supposed to be "napping," but the Deer-Force is a restless spirit. It told me that All Might was stuck in a traffic jam caused by a villain with a "Red Light" quirk.
"Nunn," I whispered, standing on the hood of a police car three miles from the USJ.
The villain—a man dressed entirely in traffic cone orange—laughed. "You cannot pass! My quirk, Gridlock, stops all engines within a—"
[CRUNCH!]
I bit the traffic cone off his head.
"You speak of engines," I said, my voice echoing with the ancient wisdom of the forest. "But you forget the horsepower of nature."
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a Deer Whistle of Summoning. I blew it. It didn't make a sound. Instead, the ground began to rumble.
From the woods, they came. Hundreds of them. Stags. Does. Fawns with attitude problems.
"DEER STAMPEDE: RUSH HOUR REMIX!" I shouted.
The herd swarmed the villains, not attacking them, but aggressively nuzzling them until they surrendered out of sheer confusion. I hopped onto the back of the lead stag—a majestic beast named 'Bambi Two: The Revenge'—and looked at the frozen All Might, who was sitting in his car looking very confused.
"Get in, tall blonde man," I said, offering him a cracker. "We have a plot point to crash."
[Izuku Midoriya POV]
The central plaza of the USJ was no longer a rescue training facility. It was a mosh pit.
The Nomu stood in the center, a biological nightmare engineered to kill the Symbol of Peace. It roared, a sound that could shatter glass.
"It has Shock Absorption!" I yelled, my green lightning crackling around me. "It's built to take a hit!"
"THEN WE HIT IT UNTIL IT STOPS BEING BUILT!" Bakugo screamed.
[THE JUMPING COMMENCES]
It wasn't a duel. It wasn't a hero fight. It was a coordinated assault that we liked to call "Operation: Shibuya Beatdown."
"Momo! Cannons!"
"Creation: 18th Century Artillery Barrage!" Momo shouted, spawning three literal cannons on the high ground. [BOOM-BOOM-BOOM!]
The cannonballs hit the Nomu, staggering it.
"Mei! Babies!"
"Fly, my pretties!" Mei Hatsume cackled, launching a swarm of drone-bombs that attached to the Nomu's exposed brain. [BEEP-BEEP-BOOM!]
"Aqua! God Blow!"
"PURIFICATION! PURIFICATION! PURIFICATION!" Aqua shrieked, glowing like a rave stick. She punched the Nomu in the gut with a fist surrounded by divine light. It didn't hurt the Nomu physically, but the sheer "Holiness" of the attack made the Nomu's bio-engineered evil soul wince.
"Toga! Ankles!"
Himiko slid underneath the beast, her knives flashing like silver fish. She didn't cut deep, but she cut everywhere.
"Mina! Acid!"
"Melting point!" Mina slid past, spraying high-viscosity acid onto the floor, making the Nomu slip.
"DARK SHADOW! BLACK SABBATH!" Tokoyami roared.
Dark Shadow grew to massive size, grabbed the Nomu by its beak, and slammed it into the ground.
[WHAM!]
"KAMINARI! MAX VOLTAGE!"
"1.21 GIGAWATTS!" Denki grabbed the Nomu's arm and discharged enough electricity to power Tokyo for a week.
The Nomu screeched, paralyzed.
"KACCHAN! NOW!"
Bakugo launched himself off an ice pillar created by Todoroki. He was spinning like a drill. "HOWITZER IMPACT!"
[KA-BOOOOOOM!]
The explosion sent the Nomu flying into the ceiling. But we weren't done.
"SMASH!" I yelled, jumping above the smoke. I grabbed the falling Nomu by the ankle and slammed it back down with 20% Full Cowling.
The monster hit the pavement. It didn't get up. It just twitched, looking like it wanted to file a police report.
I landed, panting. "Did... did we get it?"
"We jumped him," Jirou said, unplugging her jacks from the floor. "That wasn't heroics. That was bullying."
[Hanta Sero POV]
On the other side of the plaza, the "Portal Man"—Kurogiri—was trying to expand his mist.
"You children cannot defeat me," he intoned. "I am the gatekeeper. I am void. I am—"
"YOU ARE A RUG!" Rikido Sato yelled.
This was Class 1-A: The B-Side Beatdown.
Sato, hopped up on 50 grams of pure sugar, tackled the mist man.
"Sticky Tape!" I shouted, firing my tape dispensers like machine guns. I didn't aim for his body; I aimed for his metal neck-brace. I wrapped it until he looked like a mummy.
"Navel Laser!" Aoyama posed, firing a beam that blinded the villain.
"Tail smack!" Ojiro spun, his tail hitting the metal brace with a loud [CLANG!].
"Octo-Pin!" Shoji used all six arms to grab the misty edges of Kurogiri's body and physically stretch him out like a bedsheet.
"Mineta! Grape Rush!"
"TAKE MY BALLS!" Mineta screamed, throwing sticky spheres that glued Kurogiri's mist to the floor.
Kurogiri struggled. "This... this is undignified. I am a high-ranking lieutenant! I am not a piece of furniture!"
"You are now!" Koda whispered, summoning a squirrel to run up Kurogiri's leg.
Kurogiri shrieked. It was a very un-villain-like sound.
[Shota Aizawa POV]
I stood at the top of the stairs. My goggles were around my neck. My capture weapon was loose.
I reached into my pocket, pulled out a bag of popcorn, and sat down.
"Thirteen," I said, chewing. "Do you see this?"
Thirteen, who was also holding a bag of popcorn (how are they eating it through the helmet?), nodded. "I see it, Eraser. But I don't understand it. The Nomu... it's crying."
"Good," I sighed. "Let the problem children handle the problems. I'm on break."
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
The stage was set. The minions were down. The mini-bosses were being bullied by teenagers.
That left the Big Bad. Handy Wendy.
Shigaraki Tomura stood alone in front of the fountain. He was trembling. He looked at the Nomu (defeated). He looked at Kurogiri (taped to the floor). He looked at me.
"You..." he hissed. "You cheaters! You're not playing the game right! The Nomu was supposed to be the end-game boss! You can't just... gank him!"
"Skill issue, Wendy!" I chirped, leaning against a lamp post that I had just manifested. I was wearing a Bugs Bunny-style carrot costume. "Maybe you should have leveled up your charisma stat instead of putting all your points into 'Hand Fetish'!"
"DIE!"
Shigaraki lunged. He was fast. His hand reached for my face.
[SWISH!]
I didn't dodge. I simply became liquid. My torso stretched like taffy, bending around his hand in a U-shape.
"Missed me!"
He swung again.
[ZOOOP!]
I ducked, my head shrinking into my neck like a turtle.
"Try again!"
He swung a third time, screaming.
[POP!]
I vanished.
Shigaraki froze. He looked around wildly. "WHERE?! WHERE DID HE GO?! I CAN HEAR THE SOUNDTRACK BUT I CAN'T SEE HIM!"
"Down here, stinky!"
Shigaraki looked down. I was peering out of the pocket of his hoodie. I was about three inches tall.
"By the way," I said, waving a tiny hand to fan the air. "When was the last time you washed this thing? It smells like despair and fermented Monster Energy drinks in here. You need some Fabreze, my guy."
"GET OUT!" Shigaraki shrieked, trying to grab me.
I jumped out of his pocket, grew back to full size mid-air, and landed behind him.
"You know, Wendy," I said, my voice dropping to a whisper. "In the ninja world, there is a secret technique. A Forbidden Jutsu reserved only for the most desperate battles."
I started making hand signs. Fast. Blurry.
Tiger. Snake. Dragon. Bird. Monkey. Ram.
Shigaraki turned around, his eyes wide. "What... what are you doing? Is that a fire style?!"
I clasped my hands together in the signature 'Tiger' seal, leaving only my index fingers extended. I crouched low. The air around me began to vibrate with chakra (or just intense comedic timing).
"SECRET TAIJUTSU..." I roared.
Shigaraki froze in fear.
"...ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!"
[POKE!]
I launched myself forward, driving my fingers directly into Shigaraki's... uh... rear defense.
[CRITICAL HIT!]
Shigaraki's eyes bulged out of his head. He made a sound that no human vocal cord should be capable of producing. It was a mix of a scream, a squeak, and a whistle.
He shot into the air like a rocket, hitting the ceiling of the USJ dome with a loud [THWACK!] before peeling off and floating back down like a piece of paper.
[Tomura Shigaraki POV]
Pain. Humiliation. The distinct feeling of having been violated by a cartoon character.
I lay on the ground. I couldn't move. My dignity was shattered.
"I... I will kill you..." I wheezed, pushing myself up. "I will turn you to dust..."
The Toon boy—Sunny—was standing right there. He wasn't dodging. He was checking his watch.
"Go ahead," he said. "Tag me."
I reached out. My five fingers made contact with his arm.
Decay.
It worked. I felt his skin crumble. I saw the cracks spread. His arm turned to ash. His chest turned to dust. In seconds, the bane of my existence was nothing but a pile of gray powder on the floor.
"I... I did it?" I whispered. "I killed him? The glitch is dead?"
The room went silent. The students stopped fighting.
Then, from the dust pile, a sound emerged.
Sob... sob...
A spotlight hit the dust.
Another Sunny Midoriya—wearing a black mourning veil—stepped out from behind a rock. He fell to his knees beside the dust.
"SUNNY!" the Mourning Sunny screamed. "NO! WHY?! HE WAS SO YOUNG! HE HAD SO MANY GAGS LEFT TO TELL!"
"What?" I stared. "But... I just killed you."
"YOU MONSTER!" Another Sunny appeared. This one was wearing a suit and holding a briefcase. Lawyer Sunny. He marched up to me and shoved a wallet in my face.
"Look at this!" Lawyer Sunny yelled. "Look at what you destroyed!"
He flipped the wallet open. It unfolded like an accordion, stretching out six feet long.
"LOOK AT HIS FAMILY!"
I looked. The photos were... horrifying.
Photo 1: Izuku, Inko, Eri, and Sunny smiling in front of a house made of cheese.
Photo 2: Sunny and the pink girl (Mina) holding a baby that was just a pink slime-ball with sunglasses.
Photo 3: Sunny and the blonde girl (Toga) holding a baby that was a knife with a pacifier.
Photo 4: Sunny and the blue woman (Aqua) holding a baby that was literally a water balloon with a face drawn on it.
Photo 5: Sunny and the ponytail girl (Momo) holding a baby that was a 3D-printed calculus textbook.
"HE WAS A FATHER!" Lawyer Sunny screamed, shaking me. "HE WAS A PROVIDER! WHO IS GOING TO FEED THE WATER BALLOON NOW, TOMURA?! YOU?!"
"I... I didn't know," I stammered, looking at the picture of the water balloon baby. "I just wanted to kill All Might..."
[GONG!]
Suddenly, the scenery changed. We were at a funeral. A coffin lay open (it was empty except for a rubber chicken).
All the students were there (wait, when did they get costumes?). Izuku was crying waterfalls—literal waterfalls that were flooding the plaza. Aqua was wailing about the cost of the coffin.
A Priest Sunny stood at the podium.
"We gather here today," Priest Sunny said, playing a sad tune on a kazoo, "to remember a legend. A man who dodged taxes and gravity with equal skill."
I stood there, surrounded by the weeping clones of the boy I thought I killed. I looked at my hands.
"What am I doing?" I whispered. "I'm a villain. I'm the symbol of fear. Why am I attending a funeral for a cartoon character hosted by himself?"
I felt a profound sense of exhaustion. I looked at the exit. Maybe jail wasn't so bad. Maybe Tartarus had quiet rooms. Maybe they didn't have accordions there.
"I want to go home," I said loudy. "I want to retire. I want to open a small bakery. I hate this game."
[CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!]
The funeral set vanished. The real Sunny (wearing a director's beret) was sitting in a chair next to me, clapping.
"Bravo, Wendy! The emotion! The despair! That was an Oscar-worthy breakdown!"
Aizawa stood, blinked, and said, flat: "Clean-up crew: take inventory of dignity."
[All Might (Brain Rot Version) POV]
"I AM HERE!"
I burst through the doors of the USJ.
"To save the... the..." I paused.
I looked at the scene.
The Nomu was tied into a pretzel.
The warp villain was taped to the floor and being chewed on by a squirrel.
Shigaraki Tomura was crying while looking at a wallet filled with pictures of balloon-babies.
And young Sunny was handing out tissues.
I felt a tug on my leg. I looked down. It was the deer girl. She was eating my cape.
"Nunn," she said.
"Ah," I nodded, my brain feeling like it had been replaced by TV static. "The deer is the true hero. Of course. It all makes sense now. I should surrender my license to the forest."
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
The vibe was immaculate. The villains were traumatized. The heroes were confused. And All Might looked like he was about to start grazing.
Suddenly, a black, muddy sludge began to form around Shigaraki and Kurogiri.
"Sensei..." Shigaraki whimpered. "Save me. The rabbit... the rabbit is too strong."
"Teleportation mud!" I shouted. "The Big Bad is pulling the plug!"
I ran over to Shigaraki as he began to sink into the void.
"Wait! Wendy! Don't leave empty-handed!"
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a beautifully wrapped gift box with a red bow.
"A parting gift!" I cheered, tossing it into his lap. "For the memories!"
Shigaraki looked at the box. He looked at me. He looked terrified.
"Is it... is it a bomb?"
"No!" I promised. "It's worse."
The mud swallowed them. They were gone.
[Secret Villain Hideout POV]
Shigaraki Tomura fell out of the void onto the floor of the bar. He was bruised. He was tired. He felt violated.
"Tomura," the voice of All For One echoed from the monitor. "Did you kill the Symbol of Peace?"
"I attended a funeral," Shigaraki whispered, rocking back and forth. "There were so many babies. Water balloon babies..."
He looked at the gift box in his lap.
"Don't open it, Tomura," Kurogiri warned from his pile of tape.
But curiosity is a curse. Shigaraki pulled the ribbon.
[POP!]
It wasn't an explosion of fire. It was an explosion of Glitter.
Neon pink, ultra-fine, impossible-to-remove glitter. It exploded with the force of a frag grenade. It covered the bar. It covered Kurogiri. It covered the monitor with All For One's face. It filled Shigaraki's pores.
And in the center of the glitter cloud, a small mechanism played a prerecorded message:
🎶 "That's all, folks! See you next week for the Sports Festival Arc! [HONK!]" 🎶
Shigaraki sat in the sparkling silence.
"I quit," he whispered.