Chapter 37: The Stardust Crusaders of Center D (Or—The Bizarre Adventure of the Pink and the Punny)
[A/N: Listen, you all need to appreciate me right now. Actually, scratch that—my girlfriend should appreciate me! I am going full "Stardust Crusader" and burning my remaining three brain cells just for her entertainment.
I expect "Good job" comments from every single one of you for surviving this level of brain rot. I sacrificed my IQ so you could have a buff robot—show some love! ]
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
The air in Battle Center D didn't just smell like exhaust fumes and faux-ambition; it smelled like opportunity. The gates opened with a screech of rusted metal, but to me and Mina, it sounded like the opening bell of a variety show.
Most of the examinees rushed in screaming, sweat flying, quirks activating in a panic. But not us. We didn't run.
We strutted.
I stood at the massive gateway, my double-breasted yellow suit glowing with a literal high-gloss sheen. Next to me, Mina grinned, her eyes wide and predatory, her horns practically vibrating with the beat. She wasn't just ready; she was JoJo-ready.
I reached into the air and adjusted an invisible volume slider.
[BGM START: Crazy Noisy Bizarre Town – The DU]
The funky, upbeat bassline kicked in immediately, echoing through the streets of the fake city. While the "Extras" lunged forward with screams of "Plus Ultra!", Mina and I did a synchronized backflip into a high-speed moonwalk.
"Ready to dance, Pinky-Queen?" I asked, snapping my white gloves until they let out a [THUNDERCLAP].
"Lead the way, Gag-Boy. Let's make it a blockbuster," she replied, sliding into a low stance with acid sizzling under her sneakers.
The first wave of robots—1-Pointers and 2-Pointers—came rolling around the corner with machine guns and targeting lasers. To anyone else, they were threats. To us? They were backup dancers.
"And... five, six, seven, eight!" I shouted.
We moved through the city like a hurricane set to a disco beat. Every time my heel hit the pavement, a shockwave of yellow energy rippled out, turning 1-pointers into literal background dancers that started doing the "Hustle" before their circuits fried.
Mina was a blur of pink acid and rhythmic slides. She didn't just dodge a laser; she did a split in mid-air, sliding under the beam while melting the robot's treads with a splash of acid. She spun, using the momentum to kick the robot's head clean off.
"Criss-cross!" I yelled, bouncing off a lamppost and turning my body into a giant, rubbery spring.
I landed on top of a 3-Pointer, grabbed its antenna like a joystick, and spun the entire robot around. Then, I pulled a giant cartoon eraser out of my pocket and literally rubbed the robot out of existence.
Mina would slide left; I would bounce right. She would melt a chassis; I would turn a missile into a bouquet of flowers. We weren't fighting. We were performing.
Ten minutes in, we skidded to a halt in the middle of a four-way intersection, smoking heaps of scrap metal laying around us in artistic piles.
I pulled a scoreboard out of my pocket.
Mina Ashido: 69 Points.
Sunny Midoriya: 69 Points.
We looked at the board. We looked at each other.
"Nice," we said in perfect, gravelly unison.
"We stop here," Mina said, wiping a smudge of grease from her cheek. "If we get one more point, we ruin the aesthetic.".
"Agreed," I nodded, striking a pose with one hand over my face. "Perfection is a delicate balance.".
[Momo Yaoyorozu POV – Observation Room]
The screens in the observation room were a mosaic of violence. In Center A, Bakugo was screaming at a building, but my eyes were glued to Center D.
"Fascinating," Nezu murmured, sipping his tea beside me.
I watched Sunny and Ashido-san. They weren't just destroying robots; they were dismantling them with style. But what struck me was their restraint. They had stopped engaging, despite targets being right in front of them.
I looked at their point totals. 69. 69..
My eyebrow twitched. Of course.
He's doing it again, I thought, a strange mixture of horror and admiration swirling in my chest. He's not fighting the robots. He's re-editing the encounter.
"Sunny isn't fighting for acceptance. He's fighting for... applause," I realized aloud.
"Indeed!" Nezu cackled, his tail twitching. "But let us see how they handle a change in genre. I designed the Zero-Pointer in Center D specifically for Mr. Midoriya. It has a very... specific energy.".
Nezu pressed a big red button.
[Sunny Midoriya POV]
We were high-fiving over the "69" joke when the ground started to shake. It wasn't a normal rumble; it was a rhythmic, heavy thudding that shook the fillings in my teeth.
The air pressure dropped. The sky turned a menacing shade of purple.
[BGM SWITCH: Sono Chi no Sadame – Phantom Blood OP (Intro Horns)].
Around the corner of the skyscraper, a shadow loomed. The Zero-Pointer rose. It was massive—at least thirty stories tall. But unlike the clunky green robots in the other centers, this one was... different.
It had abs. Chiseled, metallic abs. Its face was shaped like a stylized stone mask with intense, glowing red eyes heavily shaded with thick black lines.
It posed. It literally posed. One hand on its hip, the other pointing directly at us, floating purple Japanese characters— [ゴゴゴゴ] (Menacing) —materializing in the air around it.
"OH MY GOD!" I screamed, grabbing my cheeks. "IT'S A JOJO REFERENCE!".
The robot opened its mouth, and a booming, synthesized voice echoed through the city: "WRYYYYYYYYYYYY!".
"Nezu," I whispered, tears of joy streaming down my face. "You magnificent rat.".
The robot took a step forward, the impact sending a shockwave that shattered windows. It wasn't just walking; it was approaching us.
Mina looked at the giant, buff robot, then at me. Her fear vanished, replaced by a grin that matched mine.
"Sunny," she said, cracking her knuckles. "If we don't pose right now, we dishonor the bloodline.".
"Way ahead of you, Ashido." I snapped my fingers.
[BGM SWITCH: Il Vento d'Oro – Golden Wind Theme (The Piano Drop)].
The piano riff hit. The wind picked up, blowing my white gloves and Mina's hair dramatically to the side.
"Hey, tincan!" I yelled, tilting a designer hat I pulled out of nowhere over my eyes. "You're approaching us? Instead of running away, you're coming right to the Class of Calamity?".
The robot stopped. It flexed its metallic biceps. "I can't beat the punchline out of you without getting closer.".
"HO HO!" I laughed, my voice deepening into a rugged baritone. "Then come as close as you like!".
The robot lunged, throwing a punch the size of a bus.
"Mina! The 'Pink Finger' Protocol!".
"ON IT!"
Mina didn't run. She slid directly toward the robot, creating a runway of slippery acid. Her acid formed a massive, swirling Stand-like entity behind her—a giant, pink version of herself with four arms.
"MELT-MELT-MELT-MELT-MELT-MELT-MELTY!".
The robot's foot hit the acid. Its friction coefficient dropped to zero, and its dramatic pose faltered as it stumbled.
Time seemed to slow down. The colors of the world shifted—the sky turned yellow, the buildings turned pink, and the shadows became pitch black.
I jumped, launching myself off Mina's back. As I flew through the air, heavy black shading lines appeared on my face and clothes. My muscles (which I didn't actually have) bulged under my suit.
"TOON FORCE..." I roared, my fist glowing with a golden, nonsensical light.
I reached the robot's face. It looked at me with those intense eyes.
"ORA!" I yelled, punching its nose.
[POW!].
"7-PAGE ORA!".
I unleashed a flurry of punches. I didn't just punch it; I played its chassis like a drum kit.
"ORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORAORA!".
With every hit, a different brass instrument sounded. CRASH-BAM-TRUMPET-SLIDE-WHISTLE!. Each hit turned the metal into rubber, reshaping the robot's angry face into a giant, confused duck.
I pulled a giant golden "FINISH" sign out of my pocket and slammed it onto its forehead.
The robot froze. It struck one final, magnificent pose—pointing toward the sky—and then exploded into a magnificent fountain of cherry-blossom petals and glitter.
Mina and I landed back-to-back as the petals fell around us. We didn't look up. Cool guys don't look at explosions.
I arched my back, twisting my torso to the left, crossing my arms over my chest. Mina mirrored me, twisting to the right, one hand on her hip.
We froze.
Behind us, the Zero-Pointer hit the ground. But instead of a crash, I edited the sound effect.
[TO BE CONTINUED].
The bass riff of Roundabout started playing in the air. The screen froze in sepia tone, and the arrow appeared in the bottom left corner.
[Momo Yaoyorozu POV]
The observation room was silent.
The screen showed the frozen image of Sunny and Ashido striking a pose that defied spinal anatomy, while a giant robot lay defeated behind them in a cloud of dust that spelled out "YARE YARE DAZE.".
Midnight was fanning herself, looking flushed. "The drama... the passion... the shading lines!". Nezu was laughing so hard he fell out of his chair.
I stared at the screen. I looked at the "69" points. I looked at the utter, beautiful nonsense of it all.
"He turned a combat exam..." I whispered, a smile tugging at my lips despite my logic screaming in protest, "...into an anime opening.".
I pulled out my phone and sent a message to the group chat.
Creative-Queen: @Sunny @Pinky Remind me never to challenge you to a pose-off. Also, the shading was a nice touch.
Back in Center D, I heard Sunny talking to the camera drone.
"The script is written, the dance is done," he grinned. "And I'm pretty sure Nezu is currently filing for bankruptcy to pay for that robot.".