You see love differently, and it's the first thing that destroys you…"
Wise words coming from my enemy… My own enemy.
Everyone in my circle, either my friends, classmates, or relatives, has eventually built their family; some of them had their kids at such a young age. One of them I'm referring to was the girl I loved.
While she may not be the first, in the end, I was left in the ruins of a devastating downfall, from which I never recovered. It left me a scar, a broken heart, mind, and soul. But it isn't enough, I got betrayed by someone pretending to be my ally, a wolf pretending to be a sheep, a pretentious saint to all, yet a sinner in secrecy.
It was 7 years ago, and yet it feels like yesterday. I sat in my room, pondering within sulk darkness covering my place with a cold breeze hitting my body, hoping to help my lack of sleep. Here at the brink of the last grip of my sanity, I felt I was losing my goddamn mind. Every day, I feel so sick, to the point of vomiting. Disgust and repulsed, the constant, continuous echo of my dark thoughts, torturing, preying on my fears in life, while feasting on those vile beings who made me into this mockery in the first place.
Everywhere I go, nothing but the sight of those loathsome beings! Hateful, spiteful, envious pain, enjoying being, humankind itself is a vile creation, a mistake.
They have treated me as if I'm the jester, ah yes… The most miserable beings in the world… The comedians. Except for the fact that we're not here to be laughed at or to be mocked, I am a human being who is a victim of their deception; my kind has cast me aside to be doomed to be entertainment. My tragedy has become a punchline for them all.
Hatred and fear have become the only things that have stayed in my life like a leech draining my life. Yet vengeance has fueled my motivation to stay alive in this rotten world I have lived in for like 25 years of existence. Nothing but pain and misery has it caused, even as a child. But adulthood hits differently when I want to end all of these, but the problem is I don't have the courage to do it.
I'm not even like this; it's her fault that I became like this. The very thing I swore to care about has destroyed me twice!
I have been lied to and deceived. So if there's one thing I learned from humanity:
"Betrayal's bitter lesson, don't trust the living."
Look what I have become because of them. I was once highly respected by my peers but now they are mocking me. A man overwhelmed by anger and fear. Frustration over those who conspire against me, making my life a living hell.
I found myself unintentionally mumbling, the delusion of my thoughts, being mumbled and mocked because I dread them all. Cowering from those sights, yet angered by their laughter and the desire for retribution, but unfortunately forced to control the beast in my mind and heart. All I could do was scream with hate and frustration, which would never satisfy what I truly craved.
I find them untrustworthy, prideful yet pitiful scums who are prying into the tiniest mistakes I make, or perhaps to all of us who are deemed… Odd, sickly, an outcast. Or perhaps… Different.
She told me I hold the key to change because I am so different, my mind so unique that it stands out among all. Except people blindly follow the norm, worshipping it to blend in.
It turns out, I am in the wrong crowd.
Ears are there for my idealism and opinions, but it's not listening nor trying to understand, but it is locked into the most negative aspect of your life, welcoming it to talk about with their kind.
I learned to be hostile, controlling, and safeguarding my words, because everything I speak becomes a weapon of my own downfall. Even in the moment of deception, they will weaponize it, and I ask myself why. Why, in the moment you say something bad, they act as if they care, but even when you turn your back, they talk about it as if you deserved it, but not the same thing as winning or a good thing in life.
Why is every last one of them looking at your failure and not the things I have gained for the greater good? Why pry at my weakness? Even though not one of them is true, they would still believe in it, as long as it means distress and pain.
And so forth, I have built a wall barricading their sight and have made my own world, all alone. But even if I did, my actions are still being judged, as if something were peering at the solid world, an unseen eye watching me, judging and making fun of me.
I fear silence, for when there is, the noise of judgment awaits, as mine is so silent it screams internally, and I wish I'd been deaf the moment the silence devoured the vicinity. Therefore, I learned to enjoy music louder than the mouth that speaks ill without conscience, pulling spite and joy of sadism for the pain of others.
And the only thing I find peace in silence is at the deepest time of the night, midnight. All of those eyes had shut, sleeping. However, even at that very place resides the vicious mind, mine, and those who remain.
And I thought, maybe if I'm somewhere without their presence, I will be sane, I will be at peace. Maybe I'm on an island or a cabin in the woods, somewhere where there are no people around me.
For my life had been a constant torment, and I needed to be alone… Forevermore.