With anger, I came back to my room and threw myself on the bed. His words - "I can't" - kept replaying in my head.
I wasn't crying this time. Why would I? If fate is already written, then I shouldn't fight it.
I should just accept it as it is.
"Love isn't meant for me."
Maybe I'm supposed to live alone. To end up like this.
"Mimi, are you not asleep yet?"
Mother stood in the doorway, holding two cups of tea.
I was lying on my bed, eyes closed, trying to hold myself together because if I opened them, tears would fall. I couldn't let her see me breaking.
"Sleep isn't coming," I whispered, swallowing my tears.
She sat beside me, her eyes searching my face. Maybe she already knew something had happened something I couldn't share.
Sometimes, life hits you with moments that leave you speechless. Things that shatter you inside so deeply that you can't even describe what you're going through.
"Mimi," she said softly, "don't keep everything buried inside. Express it... tell me."
"How, Mom? Everything's scattered..."
"Then start from today."
I looked at her, my voice trembling.
"Why can't we achieve love? Why is it so hard to find, to express, to hold onto? Why does love feel so rare?"
"Love isn't rare," she said gently. "But being a loving person is. Everyone wants love, but few truly know how to give it. Love shouldn't be a bargain."
"It has become one," I muttered.
"I didn't even love anyone yet... or maybe I already did."
She stayed quiet, her hand moving through my hair. For half an hour, she just sat there in silence, massaging my head. Then she stood up and quietly left. I heard her footsteps fade down the hallway and the door close softly behind her.
"When?" I whispered into the darkness. "When will it end? The suffering, the fight between me and myself? Should I stop hoping that Tej will ever accept me? Should I stop coming home altogether?"
I couldn't marry...
Many famous philosophers ended up alone. Were they trying to say that life is meant to be lived alone? Without seeking attention?
I don't want attention from everyone. I just want it from one person the one who will always say, "You did great, my love. I support you in everything you do." I want someone who'll listen to music with me, watch the movies I choose, and cook dinner together in a small kitchen.
Somewhere, in a tiny home, we'd live together that's my dream, my small affection toward life.
And still, I haven't got it.
The simpler your dream is, the harder it becomes to achieve.
The phone rang. It was Shaurya. Mom must have given him my number. He had already texted me on WhatsApp, but I hadn't seen it.
Once again, I ignored it.
All I was thinking about was the short conversation between me and Tej. How he walked behind me, how he again denied accepting me. Is something bothering me? Perhaps I'm not that type of girl who cheers boys, who brings smiles to their faces. I'm the one who's always lost in her own world.
Am I becoming selfish? Is asking for love the same as begging? Then I should stop chasing Tej. Why would he accept me if he already made up his mind to say no? And I know he is not hungry for love or peace, while I want attention from someone someone who sees me, talks to me, instead of ignoring me.
Tej will never understand my feelings; he never could. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he isn't the way I think. Tej, you're too different. Every day I want to know more about you, but each step I take toward you, you push me back. You don't know how it feels to live like this when everything around you looks normal, but inside, there's chaos, a fire burning. Maybe you already have someone in your life, maybe you've already given everything of yourself to her. But at least give me what I want is that so hard for you? Do I really not deserve it? You said, "I can't." Did it mean you want to, but another part of you keeps rejecting me? It's happening to me too. I can feel it every day. You're not alone. I'll find out what's bothering you. I'll see your real face.