I never imagined I'd find myself in this situation.
The morning had unfolded with the usual chill, the usual precision. The arrangement with Rebecca had gone off without a hitch. Yet, a strange, constricting sensation in my chest nagged at me. I hadn't let on, not a single time, but the moment I watched her leave, the accumulated pressure of it all became impossible to dismiss.
It wasn't the words exchanged.
It wasn't Rebecca's threats that got to me. It was Esther.
I couldn't get past the way she looked at me, the subtle hurt she masked. She thought I was oblivious, that I hadn't seen her hands shake when Rebecca made one of her nasty comments. She was still trying to understand me, trying to cling to a version of me that wasn't just a transaction. I could see it.
But I wasn't ready to let her in. Not after all I'd endured.
Still, there was something about her. Something that chipped away at my defenses.
I rubbed my temple, leaning back in my office chair, gazing out at the city. The sky was a deep gray, and the streets pulsed with life, people hurrying home. I wondered what they saw when they looked up at the skyscrapers.
I couldn't help but wonder if they'd noticed the flaws, the imperfections in my facade.
A sharp rap on my office door pulled me from my reverie.
"Enter," I called, my tone sharper than I'd meant it to be.
The door swung open, and there she stood. Esther.
She entered, her gaze uncertain, her hands tightly clasped as if concealing something.
She looked a bit off, I thought, a little ragged, as if she'd been wrestling with her own mind all day. Ever since the gala, she hadn't seemed quite right.
I leaned forward, resting my elbows on the desk, and watched her close the door.
"Matthew," she said, her voice low. "We need to talk."
The words hit me like a cold wind. My heart sank. I could feel the weight of what was coming. I knew. I could almost hear it. But I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for the cracks to widen.
"What is it?"
I tried to sound steady, but my voice betrayed me.
She hesitated, chewing on her lip.
The gesture was small, almost imperceptible, but I saw it. And I hated it. It knotted my stomach, a feeling I wouldn't admit.
"I know what's going on," she said, not meeting my eyes. "I know about Rebecca."
I went still, my back straight, my teeth gritted. There it was, the thing I'd feared most.
"Esther," I started, but she cut me off.
"I need to know, Matthew," she said, her voice gaining volume, though it still shook. "Is she really gone? Or am I just a distraction?"
Her words struck me hard.
I hadn't seen this coming. I hadn't expected her to breach my defenses so effortlessly. She was starting to take apart my walls, and I couldn't stop her.
I stood up abruptly, heading for the window, needing to hide the storm on my face. "Rebecca is a thing of the past," I said, my voice even, though I could feel the quiver beneath it. "She's not in my life now. And she won't be in my future."
I turned, thinking she'd be closer, but she stayed by the door, arms crossed, her posture tense. The way she stood, the way she held herself, shouted disbelief. It tore me apart.
"Then why does it feel like she's still here?" she whispered, her voice barely audible.
I clenched my hands.
Esther, she's still here. You might think I don't see it, but I do. Every time I catch sight of her, it's like a weight in my stomach. But I can't let her get too close. I can't.
I saw her flinch at my words, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. It twisted my heart, and for a moment, I thought I might break. But I didn't. I wouldn't.
"You don't understand," I said, my voice thick with emotion. "You think it's easy to just wipe someone from your life after they've been there for so long. But I can't let anyone in."
Not like that."
"Not after everything I've been through."
She shook her head, tears brimming. "Then why am I here, Matthew?" Her voice wavered. "Why did you bring me into your world if you can't trust me? If you can't let me in?"
Her words hit me harder than I'd expected. I was momentarily paralyzed. She was right. Why had I brought her into my life? Why had I chosen her for this, if I couldn't trust her?
"You're here because I need you," I said, the words tumbling out before I could stop them.
You're here because I thought it would be easier. But it's not, is it?
Her lips trembled as she moved closer, and I instinctively stepped back, trying to put space between us. "Don't," I whispered, my voice barely there, shaking. "Don't make me say it. Don't make me tear down the walls I've built."
She didn't listen. Another step, and the space was gone. Her eyes were a tempest of hurt and longing. "I can't keep doing this, Matthew. I can't keep pretending this is just business. I'm falling for you."
Her words hung in the air, a silent explosion.
I was frozen. The words bounced around in my head, echoing off the walls of my mind.
She was falling for me? How was that even possible?
I tried to speak, to utter some kind of response, but nothing emerged. My throat constricted, and I felt like I was drowning.
"I don't want to be just a contract," she said, her voice trembling.
"I want to be real with you."
Her words landed with a force that made everything Rebecca had ever uttered seem trivial, and I was left exposed, unsure of how to handle it.
I was speechless. I could only look at her, the walls I had built around myself crumbling a fraction more.
Her expression softened, and she took a step back, hastily brushing away tears. "I didn't mean to upset you," she murmured.
"I just... I need to know where I stand with you, Matthew."
I opened my mouth, ready to speak, but the doorbell cut me off. It was as if the universe itself was determined to silence me.
I turned toward the door, my heart racing. "I'll get it."
My mind was a jumble as I reached for the handle. Esther was right there, and I could feel the cracks in my armor. But there was something else, something I couldn't ignore.
I opened the door.
And there she was. Rebecca.
The world around me seemed to stop. My chest tightened as Rebecca's smile widened, and I knew, in that moment, that everything I was just starting to build was about to come crashing down.