The words had barely left my mouth before I regretted them.
The phone call had been brief, impersonal. The kind of business call I had grown used to—nothing out of the ordinary. But the tension in the room felt heavier now, as if the very air between Esther and me had thickened. The brief moment of connection we'd shared—the kiss, the unspoken vulnerability between us—was now clouded by something I couldn't name.
As I hung up the phone, the weight of the silence between us pressed down on me. I avoided her gaze, focusing on the phone in my hand, pretending the sharp sting in my chest didn't exist. But it did. I felt it, burning through my chest like a wildfire I couldn't control.
Esther had been quiet since I'd pulled away. Too quiet. And the longer I avoided her eyes, the more I felt her presence looming in the room, like an invisible force, pulling at the threads of something I wasn't ready to unravel.
I couldn't do this.Not with her. Not now.
I pivoted, my voice steady, though a tremor of something else crept in. "You shouldn't be here, Esther."
The words tumbled out, unbidden, the anger and frustration I'd been holding back surfacing. But as soon as they spoke, I saw her recoil. She retreated, her complexion drained, her hands shaking at her sides.
"I'm not some... distraction," she murmured, her voice wavering. She was wounded. I could see it in her posture, the way her shoulders sagged as she distanced herself from me.
That was the last thing I wanted her to feel. But it wasn't about her. It was about me.
About those walls I'd erected, the control I'd fought to keep. Esther—Esther—was beginning to dismantle me, bit by bit.
I saw the bewilderment in her gaze as she studied me, searching for meaning in my words.
"I don't want you to feel that way," I blurted, moving closer, though my body felt weighted, as if I were ensnared in an unseen trap. "It's just—this wasn't meant to be real. It was just a contract. It was supposed to remain that way."
Her gaze flicked to me, a blend of pain and bewilderment in her eyes. "Then why did you kiss me?" she breathed. "Why did you let it get this far?"
I was paralyzed, the question slicing through me. I had no answer. And that was the most frightening thing of all.
Each time she posed those questions, the truth became clearer: I was losing my grip. I was losing my grip on myself.
"I don't know," I confessed, my voice barely above a whisper. I hadn't anticipated this. I hadn't anticipated the depth of my feelings. "I don't know why I did it. But it wasn't supposed to matter. It can't." I took a step back, my body responding without thought, creating distance.
Her breath caught, but her gaze remained fixed on me. "Then why does it feel like it means everything to me?" she asked, the rawness of her voice sending a jolt through me. "Matthew, you're shutting me out. And I don't even understand why."
I started to speak, but the words failed me. The truth was, I had no idea why. Why I couldn't let her in.
I turned from her, my fingers tangling in my hair, a gesture of frustration. This wasn't how things were meant to be. It wasn't supposed to feel real.
"Why do you do this?"
Esther's voice, a whisper now, seemed to be reaching for me, as if she were trying to breach the barriers I'd erected. "Why do you keep everyone at arm's length?"
I shut my eyes, desperate to escape the intensity of her gaze. Her words sliced through me, exposing the vulnerabilities I'd worked so hard to conceal. I'd dedicated years to constructing this wall, ensuring no one could penetrate it, no one could truly know me. But she was unlike anyone else.
I was scared.
Scared of what would happen if I let her close. Scared of losing the one thing I thought I still had: control.
"I can't let you in," I finally managed, my voice a rasp. "I can't. I won't."
I heard her move, but I didn't turn. I couldn't. Because if I did, I knew I'd crumble.
She drew nearer, the soft sound of her footsteps almost deafening in the quiet. "Matthew, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here."
Her hand brushed my arm, and I felt it.
Her fingers brushed against me, a tentative warmth that caught me off guard. The very thing I'd always kept at arm's length, her presence, her warmth, was now everything.
I spun around, my heart racing. I knew I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have let her see me like this—exposed, shattered—but I was powerless to stop it.
Esther's gaze held mine, her lips barely parted, as if anticipating my words. Waiting for me to decide.
But I was at a loss.
Her fingers grazed my chest, and in that instant, the rest of the world seemed to vanish. No contract, no barriers, no apprehension—only her. Only us.
I leaned closer, my breath unsteady, my thoughts a storm of conflicting feelings. Her lips were mere inches from mine, and for a heartbeat, every part of me screamed to retreat, to end this before it went any further.
But then, I saw it in her eyes. She wasn't scared. She was waiting.
And in that instant, I made a decision.
I kissed her.
It wasn't tentative. I wasn't careful. It was everything. The world disappeared, and all that existed was the heat of her lips on mine, the taste of her skin, the feel of her body against me.
I drew her closer, my hands shaking as I held her, as if she might vanish if I wasn't careful. She kissed me back, her hands moving to my neck, her fingers tangling in my hair. It was like we were lost in each other, and I couldn't stop it. I didn't want to.
My breath came in gasps, my chest rising and falling like I'd just sprinted. I couldn't face her. Couldn't face what I'd become.
I'd gone too far. There was no undoing it.
But still, it wasn't enough. Not yet.
"I'm not stopping," she breathed, her voice a soft murmur, but it was enough to make my heart race.
I took a step back, my head spinning. "I told you, Esther. This... it can't be happening."
Even as the words left my mouth, I knew they were a lie.
Before I could get another word out, the phone shrilled again. This time, I knew it wasn't just another routine call. The insistent ring sent a jolt through me. I glanced at Esther; her eyes were wide, confusion etched on her face, her breath quickening from the kiss.
I reached for the phone, my hand shaking. The number flashing on the screen made my heart seize.
It was a name I hadn't anticipated. A name I thought was buried.
The past was revealing. And it was coming back slowly and steadily.