Good luck reading this bullshit dawg.
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Damp.
Dark.
Dull.
Purple neon.
The searing radiance of the screen in front of me as I hold my hands to my face. Irregular things they seem. Like foreign objects to my senses, slightly beyond complete control. Tilting my head back pondering towards the ceiling.
'. . .'
Giving my greatest effort to maintain tranquility.
Dramatics.
Complaints.
Frustrations.
All pushed to the back of my mind.
The crying of a child.
'Dissatisfaction with my circumstances is ridiculous.'
A mediocre life, family filled with love, ride or die friends, and a stable career. All a part of the stable life toted and wielded like a weapon against those less fortunate.
'I have all that I could ask for.'
Sure, I could wish for a nicer car to show off to appease my vanity. Maybe a nice house with beautiful scenery, fresh new appliances, fashionable clothes, furniture with cushier seats, but it's just a bit more. Only a bit more than what I already have. Something not worth the effort needed to achieve such a thankless task. . . I know I won't thank myself at the end of it all.
The paths have been established. You can open your phone and see the peak of it all and it seems so. . . similar. Like selling your soul could net you a boost to comfort by such a minor amount in comparison. It's so little.
'I feel greedy.'
I want more than what I can see of those at the top. I want to stand at the summit and have it all. Even more than what I can see now. Something completely unachievable by someone like me.
Someone just a bit. . . different. Odd, maybe. Irregular, if I were to compare myself to others. It's something I can't put my finger on. Like a puzzle piece belonging to a slightly different puzzle from the one of this society. Like playing Guitar Hero on easy and still being able to pass while missing half of the notes. The baseline requirements press down on you while knowing you have so much room to maneuver. It's like being pinched in the middle of a football stadium.
'I hate it.'
I want the pressure. The need to adapt. The necessity to be better; to grow. To overcome all that is thrown at me. To have the ability to surpass all. To make all that is thrown at me insignificant. To stand above an look down on everyone with a calm collected mind.
I want control.
The yearning. The shivering in my being as I wish for power. The power to warp myself to my own design. The power to stand as I wish. The power to control.
'Cringe.'
Peering into the recesses of my mind really dumps out some cringe bullshit for me to deal with. I can't help what I desire but it can be a bit much sometimes. Like jumping back in time to elementary school and thinking you're cool for swearing.
'Enough.'
I wrap all of those thoughts in a messy bundle as I whip them into the darkest corners of my mind; hopefully never to be seen again. I stand from my chair, feet warm from wearing socks under my blanket. Peering out through the crack in the blinds I see white flakes falling from the sky so densely you'd have to slow down while driving in the middle of a neighborhood for safety.
'At least I work near by.'
Tomorrow's commute shouldn't prove much of an problem as long as the plows go out before I leave, I think as I turn to head to bed. It's been another long night thinking up some unnecessary bullshit that just kills my mood.
I lie in bed, thinking about the previous hours staring blankly at my screen. No progress in anything meaningful. Drinks churning in my gut.
'It's only been a few years.'
'Only a few years since I graduated and I turned into such a person.'
'I used to be something. Someone respected by my friends and family because of my effort. Now it's just some trickle down from that time.'
Look at what I've become. I've let myself go. Drinking, smoking, and eating to my heart's content, but my heart never seems to be content with it. It's never enough, such an addiction, reminds me of my previous rambling thoughts that I tried to throw away. My yearning for power. . . something I'll never achieve.
'If only I could grasp it. The power I want.'
Something completely unable to be attained in this current world that I live in. Something beyond the scope of humanity as I know it. Yet. Yet, I still want it. I know i must have it. Regardless of how ordinary or foolish I am. It's something I have to have. An obsession.
"You can have it."
A meaning, something beyond a voice. Something that I've always known and never knew at the same time. Something beyond me. A wash of comfort comes over me. An affirmation of my desires. My mind lightens as I drift into something far beyond any other sleep or rest that I've ever had before.
"Rest now ^$#%. . ."
My consciousness fades as I feel a portion of the meaning conveyed to me. The lightest feeling. Floating. Nothingness. T.V. static but in a good way perhaps.
'So comfortable.'
Never wanting to leave such a cozy place, I curl into myself and begin to rest. Something that's meant to be, or so it feels. I drift between sleep and hazy waking, a state never remembered. Such an amazing and perfect place. One I never wish to leave.
"Your place is elsewhere #^$% . . ."
The words drift beyond me as I fall into a final deep slumber. The most comforting of them all. All of my senses yield to the passage of time and space as I awaken in a clearing of green. A clearing of approximately a dozen meters in diameter.
Underfoot, smooth soil topped with a healthy bunch of verdant green grass up to the ankle. Tickling to the touch. Clear avenues of sunlight sneak through the canopy of the forest I find myself in. Peering around I find chest high ferns, dew sparkling on the fronds, and massive trees scattered about the size of redwoods.
Amazing.
Beautiful.
'But where the fuck am I?'
Zoning out for a moment to take absorb the current situation. I find myself coming to at the appearance of myself in what appears to be a white robe marked with strange symbols similar to religious garb that I'm familiar with, yet looking nothing like what I know.
Utterly baffled about the current situation, I take a step forward to explore as I normally would and my vision whirls. Specs within the air blur past me, a large dark figure enlarges in front of my as my vision darkens, and I find myself experiencing the pain of stubbing a pinky toe but expand that to the entire body. 1 damage taken, 1,000% pain felt.
"AGHH!!! What's going on?"
I open my eyes, feeling dizzy from all of the recent events and find myself staring skyward. Back flat against the ground. Cool soil itching its way into my clothes and blades of grass scratching their way into my blacklist as I push myself up from the ground. And again, I find myself blurring through reality as I feel my body lift off, this time, into the sky. Airborne particulates in the air from my previous crash blaze past me as my consciousness tries to catch up with my eyes and brain in processing all of this information in such a short time.
No surprise, I find myself disoriented in the newly formed miniature crater. Lying still this time to take stock of my situation. Apparently my own body is a weapon against itself if I have no idea what's going on.
Dazed, disoriented , and dirt covered, I obviously piece together that this isn't the world that I'm familiar with. Along with that, I originally couldn't hurt myself unless I tried to. Clearly, such a standard no longer exists. If launching yourself through the trunk of a 150 meter tree, or if flinging oneself tens of meters into the air begs to differ please tell me.
'Is this a new world? Where am I? Who am I?'