The phone rang with the urgency of a fire alarm. I grabbed it before it could wake up the whole house.
"Leo?" Phil's voice said on the other end, with an enthusiasm that at six in the morning bordered on pathological.
"Phil? What's wrong? Is everyone okay?" I asked with concern, still half asleep.
"We're perfectly fine. Better than fine. We're excellent. Do you know what day it is?" Phil said.
"Saturday," I replied.
"Exactly! Saturday, men's day. Adventure day. The day of..." he paused dramatically, "hunting."
"Hunting?" I asked.
"Hunting! Well, Jay says we're going hunting. I say we're going to... walk through the woods with things that could shoot. But it's basically the same thing," Phil said.
"And why am I going?" I asked.
"Because now you're Alex's boyfriend. And Alex's boyfriends have to go through the initiation rite," Phil said with solemnity.
"Initiation rite?" I asked.
"The men's outing. We're picking you up in an hour. Bring boots and something you don't mind getting stained with blood. Just in case," Phil said.
"Blood?" I asked.
"Just in case! I didn't say there would be blood. I said just in case, as a preventive measure. Because of the hunting. Which we're not going to do. Or maybe we will. It depends on Jay," Phil said.
He hung up.
I stared at the phone.
Hunting. With Phil Dunphy and Jay Pritchett.
This could not end well.
The Car
Phil's car was at my front door when I came out. Phil was at the wheel in a camouflage shirt that didn't match anything and a cap that said "Professional Hunter" in gold letters.
"Leo!" Phil shouted, rolling down the window. "Get in, kid! We're waiting for you!"
Luke was in the passenger seat with an expression of total boredom. Jay was in the back, arms crossed, with a sour face. Manny was beside him, with a notebook in his hand and an expression of poetic concentration.
"Why Manny?" I asked, getting into the back seat.
"Because Gloria said I had to bring him. She said 'the men in the family have to do men's things,' and then she gave me a look that didn't accept no for an answer," Jay replied with resignation.
"I'm going to write a poem about hunting. About death and life. The circle of existence," Manny said with solemnity.
"You're going to write a poem about how we get lost in the woods and freeze to death," Luke said.
"We're not going to freeze to death. We're going hunting. There's a difference," Jay said.
"What's the difference?" Luke asked.
"In hunting, the cold is part of the experience," Jay replied.
Phil started the car with a roar.
"To the woods!" Phil shouted.
"Do you know where we're going?" Jay asked.
"North!" Phil replied.
"North of what?" Jay asked.
"Of Los Angeles! There's a forest to the north. I saw it on a map once," Phil said.
"You saw a forest on a map?" Jay asked with disbelief.
"I saw a green patch. I'm sure it was a forest. Or a park. Or an abandoned golf course. But green is green," Phil replied.
Jay sighed.
The Woods
We arrived at a forest. Or a park. Or an abandoned golf course. Phil wasn't sure. But there were trees, dirt, and silence.
"This is perfect," Phil said, getting out of the car. "Nature in its maximum splendor."
"There's a sign that says 'Private Property,'" Manny said, pointing.
"It's part of the experience. Hunting is transgressive," Phil said.
"It's not transgressive. It's illegal," Jay said.
"It's only illegal if they catch us," Phil replied.
"Phil, we're not going to hunt on private property," Jay said.
"Why not?" Phil asked.
"Because we could go to jail," Jay replied.
"Jail is also an experience," Phil said.
Jay put his hands to his head.
"We're going to walk. And if we see something, we'll point at it. But we won't shoot," Jay said.
"Then why did we bring the shotguns?" Phil asked.
"Because they're part of the experience," Jay replied with sarcasm.
Phil nodded as if that made sense.
We walked for twenty minutes. The forest was dense, the trees tall, the ground covered in dry leaves.
"Leo," Phil said, approaching me. "I need to talk to you."
"About what?" I asked.
"About Alex," Phil said quietly.
"What about Alex?" I asked.
"That she's your girlfriend now. And I'm her father. And fathers have to... intimidate boyfriends," Phil said.
"Intimidate?" I asked.
"Exactly. It's a ritual. Like hunting, but with words, looks, and gestures of authority," Phil said.
"Are you going to intimidate me?" I asked.
"I'm going to try," Phil said.
He stood up straight. Tightened his shoulders. Furrowed his brow.
"Leo," Phil said with a deep voice. "If you hurt my daughter, I'm going to..."
He went blank.
"You're going to what?" I asked.
"I'm going to... to..." Phil stammered.
"Call the police?" I suggested.
"That's too extreme," Phil said.
"Talk to her?" I suggested.
"That's too soft," Phil said.
"What then?" I asked.
"I'm going to... write a very sad poem about how you broke my heart," Phil said.
I looked at him.
"A poem?" I asked.
"A very sad poem. With rhymes and metaphors. And a part where I cry," Phil said.
"Is that a threat?" I asked.
"It's the only threat I can think of," Phil admitted.
Jay, who had been listening from behind, let out a laugh.
"Phil, that's pathetic," Jay said.
"I'm romantic. There's a difference," Phil replied.
"There isn't," Jay said.
"Yes, there is," Phil said.
"No," Jay said.
"Yes," Phil said.
"Can you be quiet? I'm trying to listen to nature," Manny said.
"And what does nature say?" Luke asked.
"It says we're lost," Manny replied.
"Nature says that?" Luke asked.
"Nature says everything. You just have to know how to listen," Manny replied.
"Nature doesn't say anything. You're the one saying things," Luke said.
"That's what you think," Manny said.
"That's what I know," Luke replied.
Jay sighed again.
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