A week goes by and the sickening pit in my stomach never once eases. My responses to those around me are short, simple. I'm unable to escape my deadpan. When I meet up with Ledger, I sink into his arms instinctively, disregarding the onlookers at the mall. The lighting is warm, vibrant with displays for New Years gifts.
There's an inescapable void in me. When Ledger asks what's wrong, I simply shake my head, staring up at him with sleepless eyes. He straightens my beanie, zips up my fleece winter jacket, then pulls me by the hand to a coffee shop.
It's 4 PM, hardly the time for a caffeinated beverage. Yet, at his insistence, I allow him to order a drink for each of us. He orders a peppermint mocha for himself and hands a cookie butter latte out to me, causing a faint smile to trace my lips. It's warm, comforting. It tastes like holiday dinner parties and gift baskets from elderly clients.
He leads me by the hand to our next stop, his fingers entwined in mine. Above us are four more floors of shops and activities, and the large scale of the mall is reflected in the high foot traffic. As people brush past, and I begin to suffocate in the noise, I pull him to the side to linger by the pianist. When he holds me from behind, I lean back against him and close my eyes.
Doing so for too long will surely lead to me falling asleep. When he reaches down to pick something off my dress, I stir to reality. When exactly did his touch become so gentle? His warm breath on my neck has me sipping my drink to distract myself.
I always wanted to learn how to play the piano. I was told I had the hands for it, that I had the concentration and discipline required. For some reason or another I never sought out the opportunity. When Ledger taps along the length of my shoulder in time with the notes, I wonder if he'd be able to teach me sometime.
We're off to our next stop as the shark drops off his coffee cup in the waste bin, I still have half a cup left. He leads me up past the crowd gathered for music, keeping his arm around my waist as he struggles to avoid losing me in the crowd.
On the escalator I go first, holding the hem of my dress down as Ledger uses my new found height as an excuse to grab my thigh. His laugh is loud enough to attract attention, despite nothing funny happening. Unless me being this tall really is that funny in itself? I place my hands on his shoulders, careful to avoid spilling my drink, and I stand taller on my tip toes. He only smirks now, hoisting me by the waist and setting me back down once we've cleared the escalator and crowd from it.
The second floor is less chaotic, though only slightly. We weave through people and make it a second escalator, going up again and repeating the same joke twice. I make him wait impatiently for me as I pour the final remnants of my drink into a liquid disposal bin, then the lid into plastic recycling, then the base into paper. He hovers over me the entire time, in disbelief anyone would take the time to sort like this.
Our destination is a jewelry store, it'd seem. Glass cabinets sparkle with jewels that I can't help but stare at. I've never been to a store like this, but now I understand why people come to them. Everything catches the light perfectly, everything looks so beautiful. My only pieces of jewelry are gifts I've never bothered to wear. It feels wrong to flash valuables in the workplace, at least to me. I keep my uniform consistent, hoping not to stand out. At parties, well, I've never known what might have suited me to wear.
I stop and stare at nearly everything, but my eyes are most drawn to diamonds with golden bands. Bracelets, necklaces, rings, earrings. Eventually I manage to pull myself away to see what Ledger has found. He's trying on a new watch that looks nearly identical to his current one. Yet, the salesman insists that this one is the newest model that's flying off the shelves. Ledger hangs on every word, holding up his wrist in a mirror and covering his old one. I can only chuckle in amusement as he riles himself up over his new find, then when he custom orders one.
The cost is more than what most of my staff make in a year, but I'd say it's worth it for the happiness on his face. I'm left waiting outside the necklace displays when he has to run back in to grab his card he'd forgotten. I never took him for an airhead, but I suppose we all have our moments.
With arms linked we make it to a women's clothing store. It's not what I'd consider my style, but I can't say no to him when he's got that confident look on his face. He sweeps me along and holds up various dresses to my chest that look like something an old woman might wear. I wonder if he supposes that this is what I'd like, due to my car and music tastes. Thankfully a saleswoman comes out and guides him a section more befitting of someone my age.
Though he seems somewhat miffed about it, he quickly resumes his game. He piles several dresses, shirts, skirts, and purses onto a rack before damning me to the changing rooms. I'm not someone who particularly enjoys shopping, but I suppose I could learn to. Each time I exit the dressing room he becomes hands on, turning me around and instructing me to pose. Each time the saleswoman comes by I retreat back behind the curtains shyly. Everything he picks is elegant, slightly sweet. He dresses me in lace, in dresses with pearl clasps and heart shaped bags. I'm out of my element, but it warms my heart to know he must think I look good in these clothes.
By the end of the haul he's lugging around a few bags, tossed over his shoulder with one hand. In his black sweater and neatly tailored pants, I can't help but view him as a fashion model. He's strangely glamorous in this lighting, it's almost frightening. Is he more beautiful than me? It's entirely possible.
Somehow a few hours have already passed, with most of the shops coming to a close. Our last stop for the night is a bookstore, where Ledger fills a hand basket full of books I can't imagine him reading. When does he have the time? My eyes widen the more he fills it. When we get to the checkout, he hands me a bag with a few inside. My homework, I suppose.
When we're out of the mall I breathe in the fresh, cold Winter air. This part of Mariana is particularly clean, decorated for the holidays. The moment I begin to shiver he walks me back to my car, sitting with me while I wait for the heater to start blowing hot air. It takes a few minutes for these old vehicles to get going, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
He lines the back seat with the gifts from today, saving only a few things for himself. I lean back in my seat, gazing at him longingly and wondering if I can sneak into his bed tonight, just to lay beside him. But, then I imagine what it could lead to. And, when I imagine what it could lead to, I imagine Papa's gaze.
He reaches out, holding my chin gently as he steals a kiss.
"I had fun today," he smiles.
"Me too," I smile.