INT. BLACK VOID — "SAO" — UNKNOWN
(Absolute darkness. Then—
A PING.)
(A translucent menu floats into existence.)
CHARLIE(O.S., awestruck whisper)
Oh my God…
DEE(O.S., immediate panic)
Where am I?! What is this?! Why is there a floating—what is that?!
DENNIS(O.S., tight, furious)
Okay—no. No. No. This is not happening.
MAC(O.S., reverent, like he's in church)
Dude… we're in.
FRANK(O.S., angry already)
I hate it. I hate all of it. I want out.
(A beat. The menu flashes: "WELCOME TO SWORD ART ONLINE.")
DENNIS(snapping)
I did NOT consent to being welcomed.
DEE(reading, terrified)
It says "Sword Art Online," Mac! That's the death one!
MAC(dismissive, in denial)
It's not the death one. It's— it's probably like… Sword Art Online Two. Or Lite. Or like a demo.
CHARLIE(genuinely impressed)
No, dude, it says Sword Art Online. That's like the official name. We're in the official.
(A "CREATE CHARACTER" prompt appears.)
DEE(instantly excited, forgetting fear)
OH. Okay. Okay. Here we go. This is my moment.
DEE(clapping once)
Princess time.
DENNIS(grossed out)
Don't say "princess time."
DEE(already selecting options)
I'm gonna do like… a hot elf thing.
DENNIS(pointing at the air)
No elves. I said no elves. I am invoking my right to a non-elf environment.
MAC(scrolling, fascinated)
Oh my God, there's stats. There's builds. There's—
FRANK(fuming)
Where's the money option? Where's the "give me money" button?
CHARLIE(eyes locked on the menu)
This is wizard stuff. This is real wizard stuff. This is how you become a wizard.
DENNIS(impatient)
Alright. Okay. Fine. This is fine. We do the little character thing, we go in, we look around, we leave.
(A "CONFIRM" button pulses.)
MAC(pumped)
YES. Confirm. Confirm. Let's go.
DEE(dramatic)
Goodbye, ugly world.
FRANK(jabbing the air)
Confirm. Confirm! Confirm the money!
CHARLIE(softly, like a vow)
Confirm me.
(They all "CONFIRM.")
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. TOWN OF BEGINNINGS — "SAO" — DAY
(They appear in a bright, bustling medieval town. NPCs walking. Players running. Sunlight too clean to be Philly.)
(The GANG stands in a cluster in starter gear. They look around.)
MAC(eyes wide, thrilled)
Oh my God.
CHARLIE(spinning, overwhelmed)
Dude! Look at that sky! It's like… HD sky!
DEE(instantly checking herself, posing)
Okay—okay—where's my reflection?
DENNIS(already scanning for authority figures like a predator)
I'm finding a manager.
FRANK(looking down at his own body, horrified)
What is this shit?!
MAC(turns to Frank, confused)
What?
FRANK(pointing at his face, screaming)
WHY DO I LOOK LIKE ME?!
DEE(glances at Frank, then cackles)
OH MY GOD YOU'RE STILL YOU.
FRANK(spinning in place, furious)
It's a magic fantasy world and I get stuck in THIS?!
I could've been a dragon!
I could've been a… a rich guy with hair!
DENNIS(looking at Frank, then at himself, then freezing)
Wait.
DENNIS(touching his face like it's a crime scene)
Why do I look… the same?
DEE(snaps, offended, still searching for "hot elf")
Yeah—why do I look the same?!
MAC(glances at Dee, smirking)
Because you're cursed.
DEE(shouting)
I AM NOT CURSED!
FRANK(jabbing at Dee)
You still look like a bird!
DEE(screaming)
I DO NOT LOOK LIKE A BIRD!
CHARLIE(squinting at Dee, honest)
You look a little like a bird.
DEE(turns, betrayed)
CHARLIE!
CHARLIE(defensive)
I'm not saying it's bad. Birds are powerful. Birds are like—
Birds are like the cops of the sky.
DENNIS(still spiraling, furious)
This system did not improve me.
This system refused to improve me.
MAC(checking his arms immediately, flexing in panic)
Hold on—hold on—
MAC(squeezing his bicep, relieved)
Okay. Okay. I kept the mass.
DEE(looking at Mac)
You kept the mass?
MAC(serious)
I kept the mass. The system recognizes muscle.
FRANK(spinning to Mac, accusatory)
Why does it recognize your muscle but not my… my potential?!
MAC(shrugging)
Because you don't have potential, Frank.
FRANK(to Dennis, desperate)
Dennis, you look exactly the same! This is bullshit!
DENNIS(narrow-eyed, offended)
No. Something is… off.
My jawline is… softened.
They softened it.
DEE(laughing)
They softened your jawline?
DENNIS(deadly)
Yes. They did.
This is an attack.
CHARLIE(staring at the bustling town, happy)
Guys… I think it's fine.
Look at all the cool stuff. Look at the stone. Look at the armor.
This is like a Renaissance Fair, but no one smells like onions.
FRANK(snaps)
I smell like onions.
MAC(excited, grabbing his sword)
Okay, okay, okay. We're here. We have gear. We have stats. We have a world.
We need to establish dominance.
DEE(still searching for UI)
Where is the beauty slider?! Where's the princess button?!
CHARLIE(pointing at a floating icon above his wrist)
Dude, I got a menu.
DENNIS(instantly)
Open it.
CHARLIE(presses something)
Okay—yeah—so it says… "Item." "Skill." "Status."
Dude, this is like… a spellbook.
DENNIS(leaning in, disgusted but intrigued)
It's a user interface. It's not a spellbook.
CHARLIE(shaking his head)
No, Dennis. It's a spellbook because it controls reality.
FRANK(grabbing at his own wrist, furious)
Where's my menu? Where's my menu?!
MAC(pressing buttons)
Guys—guys—there are abilities. There are skills. There are—
DEE(cutting in, annoyed)
Okay, I'm gonna say it: this sucks.
If I'm gonna be trapped in an anime death game, I should at least be hot.
DENNIS(suddenly)
Excuse me.
DEE(points at Dennis)
Not you. You're… fine.
But I should be, like, ethereal.
DENNIS(still mad, but pleased)
Thank you.
DEE(noticing Dennis basking)
Don't get comfortable. You're still a monster.
CHARLIE(eyes lighting up)
Hold on—hold on— I think I can do something.
DENNIS(immediate)
No. Charlie. Do not "do something."
CHARLIE(already pressing buttons, confident)
I'm doing it. I'm doing a spell.
MAC(excited)
Yes! Charlie, do a spell!
DEE(sarcastic)
Great. Charlie's gonna explode.
FRANK(backing up)
If he explodes, I'm taking his stuff.
DENNIS(to Frank)
Of course you are.
(Charlie swings his starter sword experimentally. A tiny "SKILL" prompt flashes: "SWORD SKILL: HORIZONTAL.")
CHARLIE(gasps)
Oh dude, it lit up! It lit up! It wants me to do it!
DENNIS(annoyed)
It doesn't "want" you to do anything.
CHARLIE(committing)
Yes it does. It chose me.
(Charlie swings. His sword flashes with a bright, dramatic streak. A satisfying WHOOM effect.)
CHARLIE(ecstatic)
DUDE! I DID MAGIC!
MAC(pumped, clapping)
YES! YES! That was sick!
DEE(impressed despite herself)
Okay… that was kind of cool.
FRANK(eyes lighting up, opportunistic)
Do it again. Do it at someone. Do it at a rich guy.
DENNIS(to Charlie, tight)
That was an animation. It's not magic.
CHARLIE(turning to Dennis, deadly serious)
Dennis… I have altered the air.
I have made light happen.
I am a wizard now. I can feel it in my bones.
DENNIS(stares at him, then looks away, jaw clenching)
I hate this.
MAC(grinning at Frank)
See? It's the future, Frank. The look doesn't matter. It's about the power.
FRANK(still mad, but tempted)
The look matters. The look always matters.
But… that was pretty good.
DEE(to Frank, smirking)
You're gonna be fine, Frank. Dee still looks like a bird, remember?
DEE(realizes what she just said, furious)
Wait—no— I don't look like—
MAC(cutting her off, delighted)
Yeah, Dee. You do. You're bird-coded.
DEE(screaming)
STOP SAYING BIRD-CODED!
(Dennis scans the street again, sees an NPC guard—polished armor, stern face.)
DENNIS(locking on)
Okay. Great.
Guard.
Authority.
(Dennis strides toward the NPC guard with the confidence of a man about to complain about a steak.)
DENNIS(calling out)
Excuse me!
Hello!
Hi!
I need to speak to whoever is in charge of this… experience.
(The NPC guard stares blankly.)
NPC GUARD
Welcome to the Town of Beginnings.
DENNIS(smiling, forced)
Okay. Great. Fantastic.
Now—where is the exit?
NPC GUARD
Please enjoy your stay.
DENNIS(tightening)
No.
No, no.
I'm not "staying."
I'm leaving.
NPC GUARD
Please enjoy your stay.
DENNIS(leaning in, voice low, threatening)
I will not enjoy my stay.
I will enjoy my departure.
NPC GUARD
Please enjoy your stay.
(Dennis stares at him, jaw twitching. He tries to push past—his body stops like an invisible wall of "NPC zone.")
DENNIS(snaps)
What is this?!
Why can't I—
I'm being physically disrespected by code!
MAC(running up, excited)
Dennis—Dennis—calm down. You gotta talk to the system. You gotta find the menu.
You gotta log out.
DENNIS(spins)
LOG OUT.
Yes.
That's what I want.
Where is it?
CHARLIE(helpfully wrong, peering at his menu)
I think it's "LOG."
Like… wood.
Maybe we gotta collect logs first.
DEE(groans)
Oh my God.
FRANK(eyes narrowing)
That makes sense.
They want you to do chores.
It's like being in a marriage.
DENNIS(to Charlie, deadly)
There is not a log-based escape system.
CHARLIE(confident)
Dennis, you don't know.
This world is old-timey.
Old-timey worlds run on logs.
MAC(to Dennis, urgent)
Dude, it's fine. We just— we just do a quest, we level up, we find the exit, we—
DEE(frowning, suddenly uneasy)
Wait.
Why is there no "exit" button?
(Beat. The town noise hums. Players running. Laughter. A distant clang.)
FRANK(suddenly)
Okay, but seriously.
Where's the "take it off" thing?
DENNIS(quiet)
There should be a… disconnect function.
DEE(suddenly panicking)
This is the death one.
MAC(snaps to Dee)
It's not the death one.
DEE(voice rising)
It's the death one! It's literally the death one!
We're in a stupid anime and there's no log out and I still look like me!
CHARLIE(trying to soothe, sincere)
Dee, it's okay.
We're together.
We're like… a party.
DEE(shouting)
We are not a party, Charlie! We are a curse!
(Dennis stares at the sky like it owes him money.)
DENNIS(low, controlled)
Okay.
Okay.
We remain calm.
MAC(nodding, heroic)
Yes. Calm. Tactical.
DENNIS(turning to them)
We find whoever is responsible for this.
We find the manager.
We demand an explanation.
We leave.
FRANK(raising a finger)
And we steal stuff.
DENNIS(without missing a beat)
And we steal stuff.
CHARLIE(excited)
And we do magic.
DENNIS(tight)
No magic.
CHARLIE(ignoring)
Magic.
DEE(still spiraling)
Okay, okay—so we're trapped in here with nerds and swords and birds—
Not birds— I'm not a bird—
But if there's no log out, then how do we pee?
How do we—
What if I'm peeing right now?!
MAC(suddenly concerned)
Oh my God.
FRANK(immediately)
You're definitely peeing right now.
DEE(screams)
I'M NOT PEEING RIGHT NOW!
CHARLIE(earnest)
You might be peeing a little.
DEE(to Charlie)
SHUT UP!
(Dennis decides he's done with this. He starts walking with purpose.)
DENNIS(commanding)
Alright.
We're leaving this town.
We find the exit physically.
We walk out.
MAC(heroic)
Yes. We journey.
FRANK(grumbling)
I'm not walking far.
If there's no Uber in Japan, I'm gonna kill myself.
DEE(muttering)
I swear to God if I die in a video game…
CHARLIE(smiling, excited)
Guys… I think this might be the best thing that's ever happened to us.
(They start moving through the town, a cluster of idiots in starter gear, pushing past actual players.)
SMASH TO BLACK.