EXT. DUNGEON ENTRANCE — "SAO" — DAY
(The GANG stands at the mouth of a stone stairwell that screams "bad decision." A carved sign reads: "LABYRINTH CAVES — RECOMMENDED LEVEL: 3.")
DENNIS(staring at the sign like it personally insulted him)
"Recommended."
Recommended by who.
MAC(already stretching like he's about to fight God)
This is it. This is our first dungeon. This is where we become—
DENNIS(cutting him off)
We are doing one dungeon, we are finding the exit, and we are leaving.
This is not a "journey," Mac. It's a customer-service issue.
DEE(clocking passing players, instantly trying to be cute)
Okay, before we go in— we should get, like, a high-level escort.
That's how streamers do it. You team up with a hot guy, you flirt, you survive—
FRANK(pulling a crude little pouch out of nowhere)
No. No free escorts.
This is a toll situation.
CHARLIE(squinting at the sign, reading it wrong)
It says "Labrador Caves."
DENNIS(deadly)
It does not.
CHARLIE(confident)
Yeah it does. Labrador. It's a dog dungeon.
That's actually comforting.
(A PLAYER in nicer gear jogs by. Dee steps into their path with a smile that's 30% teeth, 70% desperation.)
DEE(tilting her head, flirty)
Hiiii~!
So… you're, like, a strong warrior, right?
Do you wanna maybe… protect a princess?
(The PLAYER doesn't stop. A system pop-up appears over Dee's head like it's mocking her: "PLAYER HAS MUTED YOU.")
DEE(stunned, screaming at the air)
WHAT?!
NO— HE DID NOT MUTE ME!
YOU CAN'T MUTE ME! I'M A PERSON!
DENNIS(to the sky, furious)
EXCUSE ME!
Hello!
I need to speak to whoever is in charge of the muting function.
(A floating prompt appears in Dennis's face: "TIP: SOCIAL FEATURES CAN BE MANAGED IN SETTINGS.")
DENNIS(reading, venomous)
"Tip."
Don't tip me. I don't need tips. I need solutions.
MAC(narrating like he's streaming to nobody)
Alright, party composition:
Dennis is… charisma tank.
Dee is… support… bird.
Frank is… economy.
Charlie is… wizard.
And I'm frontline DPS/Paladin/Alpha.
DEE(outraged)
I'M NOT A BIRD OR SUPPORT!
FRANK(holding out his pouch, dead serious)
Two gold per person.
Dungeon entrance fee.
That covers "not dying."
DENNIS(blinks)
What are you talking about.
FRANK(matter-of-fact)
Microtransactions.
This world runs on microtransactions. I can feel it.
CHARLIE(nodding like a scholar)
He's right.
This is a magic economy.
DENNIS(to Frank)
You cannot charge us money in a fake world.
FRANK(leaning in, threatening)
Then die for free.
(A beat.)
MAC(clapping once, heroic)
We go in.
We clear.
We get loot.
We establish dominance.
DENNIS(pinched, resigned)
Fine. One dungeon.
Then we find the exit.
Then we sue Japan.
(They descend into the dungeon together like five idiots walking into a cautionary tale.)
SMASH TO BLACK.
INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR — "SAO" — LATER
(Torches. Wet stone. Monster noises. The GANG moves in a pathetic little line.)
MAC(whispering, intense)
Stay tight.
This is where ambushes happen.
This is where the weak get culled.
DEE(hating everything)
You're whispering like you're in a war.
You work at a bar.
MAC(still whispering)
War is a mindset.
CHARLIE(staring at his menu like it's scripture)
Okay— okay— okay, I got "Skill," I got "Item," I got "Status"…
And then I got "Log."
DENNIS(snapping)
STOP SAYING LOG!
CHARLIE(insistent)
Dennis, "Log" is real.
It's here.
It's probably the key to freedom.
(Frank steps ahead, smacks his sword against the wall like he's testing drywall.)
FRANK(yelling into the darkness)
ATTENTION!
Dungeon monsters!
Two gold and you get to live!
(A bat-like monster shrieks and dives at Frank.)
FRANK(screaming, swinging wildly)
AHHH—!
PAY ME OR DIE!
DEE(jumping back)
OH MY GOD— WHY IS IT COMING AT ME?!
MAC(charging, narrating)
Frontline engages!
I'm drawing aggro!
I'm—
(He swings and misses completely.)
MAC(immediately recovering)
—repositioning tactically.
DENNIS(dodging badly, furious)
Why is the violence so personal in here?!
CHARLIE(delighted, swinging his sword)
I'm gonna do a spell!
I'm doing a spell!
DENNIS(panicked)
Charlie—!
(Charlie hits his sword skill by accident. A flashy arc slices the monster midair. It explodes into polygons.)
CHARLIE(ecstatic)
YES!
I BANISHED IT!
DEE(shouting at Charlie)
You didn't banish it, you hit it!
With a sword!
That's not wizardry!
CHARLIE(dead serious)
Swords are wands in this world, Dee.
(Another monster shrieks.)
DENNIS(spinning, shouting at the dungeon)
OKAY!
HELLO!
WHO DO I TALK TO ABOUT MONSTERS BEING TOO CLOSE TO MY BODY?
(A system prompt pops up again: "TIP: DODGE TO AVOID DAMAGE.")
DENNIS(reading, insulted)
"Dodge."
Don't tell me to dodge.
Tell them to stop.
(They push forward, messy, yelling, killing things mostly by accident.)
SMASH TO BLACK.
INT. DUNGEON ANTECHAMBER — "SAO" — LATER
(They reach a heavy door. A glowing warning reads: "BOSS ROOM AHEAD.")
DEE(breathing hard, furious)
I hate this.
I hate sweat in VR.
This is like… gym prison.
MAC(pumped, inspired)
This is purification.
Pain is your body admitting it was wrong.
DENNIS(to Mac, cold)
Stop speaking like a cult.
CHARLIE(touching the door reverently)
This is the gate.
This is the gate where the Dungeon King lives.
FRANK(checking his pouch)
Boss loot's gonna be huge.
Everybody remember: I get first pick.
DEE(snaps)
Why?!
FRANK(matter-of-fact)
Because I'm the oldest and I'm closest to dying in real life anyway.
DENNIS(taking control, commanding)
We go in.
We let Mac do his weird hero thing.
We take the loot.
We find the exit.
We leave.
MAC(nodding like a soldier)
Copy that.
Alpha formation.
DEE(muttering)
Alpha formation is just "walking first and getting stabbed."
MAC(pushing the door)
We breach.
(They enter.)
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DUNGEON BOSS ROOM — "SAO" — CONTINUOUS
(A massive chamber. Dramatic music. A boss—already at 1% health—collapses in a shower of shards.)
(Standing over it in a black coat, cool stance, stolen protagonist energy: "KIRITO.")
("Kirito" sheaths his sword like the world is a trailer.)
DENNIS(stopping dead, eyes narrowing)
No.
No no no no.
Absolutely not.
CHARLIE(whispering, betrayed)
That's the Anime Jesus guy.
MAC(outraged, pointing)
He stole our hero moment!
FRANK(furious, stepping forward)
HEY!
That was our boss!
I paid two gold for that boss!
("Kirito" turns.)
It's CRICKET. Wearing Kirito's vibe like it's a stolen wallet. Sweaty. Proud. Dangerous.
CRICKET(grinning, casual)
Oh hey guys—whoa.
Are we all tripping at the same time?
That's nuts!
DEE(screaming immediately)
CRICKET?!
MAC(disgusted)
Why are you dressed like the cool guy?!
FRANK(pointing, rabid)
That's his coat!
That's stolen coat!
GIVE ME THE COAT!
CRICKET(defensive, backing up)
No no no— I found this coat!
It was on the ground!
Trash law!
CHARLIE(eyes wide, accusing)
You robbed Anime Jesus.
CRICKET(shrugging)
Yeah.
Survival, baby.
DENNIS(stepping forward, incandescent rage)
Okay. Great. Perfect.
So not only are we trapped in nerd prison—
we are trapped in nerd prison with you.
And you immediately committed coat theft.
CRICKET(honest)
I saw a chance, Dennis.
That's what crack taught me.
Crack is basically the tutorial.
(A system-wide announcement BOOMS. A giant translucent warning slams into the air over them like a judge's gavel:)
"NOTICE: LOG OUT FUNCTION HAS BEEN DISABLED."
"REMOVAL OF THE NERVEGEAR MAY RESULT IN DEATH."
(Everyone freezes.)
DEE(horrified whisper)
That's… that's the death one.
MAC(trying to deny it, voice cracking)
No.
No, that's— that's probably flavor text.
FRANK(reading, eyes wide)
"May result in death."
MAY?!
They're doing legal language!
DENNIS(staring at the sky, seething)
WHO is doing this.
I demand to speak to the Game Master.
I demand a manager.
I demand an adult.
CHARLIE(dead serious, staring at the warning like a prophet)
Dennis…
I don't think there is one.
I think we're… in here forever.
(A beat. Dennis's face goes still. Too still.)
DENNIS(quiet, controlled terror)
No.
DEE(starting to hyperventilate)
Oh my God—oh my God—
What if I'm peeing right now?!
FRANK(immediately)
You're definitely peeing right now.
DEE(screaming)
STOP SAYING THAT!
MAC(snapping into delusional hero mode)
Okay—okay—listen!
We just have to clear the game!
We beat it, we free everyone, we become legends—
DENNIS(turning on Mac, venomous)
Mac, I am not doing a hundred floors of stairs because you need self-esteem.
CRICKET(raising a hand like he's in class)
So, just to clarify—
If we die in here, we die in real life?
CHARLIE(nodding, solemn)
Yeah.
CRICKET(processing, then shrugging)
Okay.
That's… fine.
I've had worse Tuesdays.
DENNIS(snaps, pointing at Cricket)
Shut up!
Shut up!
You don't get to be calm!
You're wearing stolen main-character clothing!
(Dennis's breathing quickens. He looks down at his hands. Up at the warning. Back to the sky.)
DENNIS(deciding instantly, panicked)
Nope.
DENNIS(lunging for his own face, screaming)
I'M LEAVING!
(He grabs at the invisible "headset" in-game like he can rip it off here.)
DEE(catching the panic)
NO— NO— DON'T—!
MAC(panicking too)
TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!
FRANK(screaming)
I'M NOT DYIN' IN JAPAN!
CHARLIE(terrified, clinging to his menu)
WAIT— WAIT— MY MAGIC—!
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. PADDY'S PUB — CONTINUOUS
(Dennis JOLTS upright in the booth, gasping like he just got reborn angry.)
DENNIS(ripping the headset off, wild)
GET IT OFF—!
(Dee wakes, yanking hers off, flailing.)
DEE(screaming)
AM I WET?!
AM I WET?!
(Mac tears his off like he's pulling shrapnel out.)
MAC(hyperventilating)
It tried to make me average!
(Frank rips his off and immediately starts patting himself down for money.)
FRANK(furious)
Where's the loot?!
Where's the gold?!
WHERE'S MY DIGITAL MONEY?!
(Charlie rips his off slower, grieving.)
CHARLIE(soft, devastated)
I was… chosen.
(They all stare at the headsets in their hands. The bar is quiet except for their breathing and the hum of cursed tech.)
DENNIS(composing himself with pure rage posture)
Okay.
That was stupid.
VR is stupid.
DEE(spitting the words like venom)
It's literally pedophile goggles.
MAC(nodding, shaken)
It's gay nerd poison.
CHARLIE(sad, small)
I miss my magic.
FRANK(already standing, decisive)
Trash.
(Frank strides to the trash can and drops his headset in like it owes him money.)
FRANK(to the trash)
You die in there, you die out here?
That's a liability.
That's a lawsuit.
That's bad business.
DENNIS(throwing his headset in with disgust)
No one traps me in a world.
I do the trapping.
DEE(throws hers in like a curse ritual)
Enjoy the trash, groom-goggles.
MAC(hesitates, then hurls his in with a dramatic grunt)
I reject your weak reality!
CHARLIE(holding his a beat longer, whispering to it)
Goodbye, spellbook…
(He drops it in. A beat.)
CHARLIE(immediately, accusing Frank)
We could've made money with those.
FRANK(shrugging)
We made safety.
DENNIS(cold)
We made dignity.
DEE(without missing a beat)
We made nothing. We made trauma.
(They all instantly start wiping the bar, resetting like this never happened.)
SMASH TO BLACK.
INT. PADDY'S PUB — LATER
(The gang is back to business-as-usual. Loud. Petty. Normal.)
(Then Dennis pauses, frowning.)
DENNIS(looking toward the booth)
Where's Cricket.
(They all turn.)
(Cricket is still slumped in the booth. Headset still on. Drooling. Smiling like a pervert who found religion.)
DEE(horrified)
Oh my God.
We left him in.
FRANK(casual)
Yeah.
He's not in the gang.
MAC(rationalizing)
He's a liability.
CHARLIE(soft, nostalgic)
He's having his own adventure.
DENNIS(deciding)
Leave him.
(They go back to wiping.)
SMASH TO BLACK.
TAG / MID-CREDITS
INT. PADDY'S PUB — LATER
(Cricket, still slumped. Headset on. Murmuring like he's narrating the world's filthiest romance novel.)
CRICKET(mumbling)
C'mon… gimme a kiss, Asuna…
Tell me I'm the guy… tell me I'm the—
(He suddenly jolts like he got hit with a cattle prod.)
CRICKET(howling)
OW—MY—FUCKING BALLS!
CUT TO BLACK. END CREDITS.