What She Wanted Most
Whenever Valdrova met Ferda, she always had the same thought.
She wanted to be alone with him.
They were always together when they met, but they were never truly alone.
Luri was always there.
Luri told her to think of her as nothing more than part of the scenery, but how could she possibly do that?
There had been many times when Valdrova had been grateful for Luri's presence.
Whenever the two of them struggled to find something to talk about, Luri would casually toss out a topic, allowing them to continue the conversation.
Even so, Valdrova truly needed time alone with Ferda.
Even if they stumbled and struggled, she wanted them to take their time and overcome it together.
This was the closest she had ever come to the private moment she had occasionally dreamed of.
'Although the circumstances aren't exactly ideal.'
They were trapped inside a sealed room, and Ferda was clearly suffering.
Was there anything she could do for him?
Valdrova took out the handkerchief she had prepared and wiped the sweat from his face.
When he raised his head, she worried that he might shout at her, but fortunately, he did not.
Instead, he began to speak.
"You…"
He said,
"Are you good at keeping secrets?"
Me?
Was he asking whether I could keep a secret?
This was the first time he had ever asked her a question.
'Am I good at keeping secrets?'
She did not know.
Many people came to her and told her their stories.
At first, she had wondered whether they were asking her for advice, but they would simply pour everything out and then leave with relieved expressions on their faces.
'Couldn't that be considered counseling in its own way?'
She did not know how to define it, but that was not important right now.
Valdrova answered for the moment.
…Nod, nod.
"I see… You said you spent several months here without speaking to anyone, so I suppose you must be."
So he knew something about her.
She was happy to learn that he had not been completely indifferent to her.
But that happiness did not last long.
"To be honest, I didn't like you."
"…"
"When you refused to accept the position of knight and chose to live as a laborer instead, I thought you might be plotting something."
"But that suspicion didn't last long. You weren't the kind of person capable of such a thing."
The armored knight raised her head.
Had he finally recognized what kind of person she was?
However, Ferda's gaze did not come from any positive sentiment.
The look in his eyes was closer to disillusionment, and it hurt her.
"And… I owe you an apology."
?
"I shouted at you before. That wasn't how I should have treated someone who was worried about me."
Nod.
Valdrova understood.
She firmly believed that Ferda was not normally the kind of person who would do such a thing.
Ferda swallowed the hesitation lingering on his lips and continued.
"I couldn't help it. I don't know why, but… whenever I looked at you, I kept seeing an illusion of her."
?
"My fiancée."
!!
Valdrova jolted in shock.
She had believed that she was making all her movements and mannerisms as masculine as possible.
Although Luri had said, "It looks about as convincing as a children's game of pretend," Valdrova had assumed that other people would not be perceptive enough to notice.
Could Ferda have known who she was this entire time?
Seeing Valdrova's reaction, Ferda let out a hollow breath.
"Yes, it's strange. I don't understand how someone like you could remind me of her."
"…"
"But lately, it's been happening often. Do you remember that high elf?"
Nod, nod.
"I even saw traces of my fiancée in her—no, in him."
Ah.
That was rather disappointing…
Valdrova fidgeted with her fingers as she focused on Ferda's face.
Ferda continued speaking.
"I'm telling you this… because I feel as though I might die if I don't say it now."
She did not mind.
If speaking helped him, she was willing to listen to anything.
"It seems that wasn't enough."
But all she received was unfortunate news.
"My circles… are gradually reaching their limit."
"There are two circles inside my body. They have different names, but both were formed from my emotions."
Ferda placed a hand over his lower abdomen.
"If the Red Circle stops, it becomes dangerous enough to kill me. But if it continues spinning without restraint, it becomes even more dangerous."
"…"
"One of them is spinning violently right now."
Valdrova grew restless.
How could she help him?
Ferda's eyes turned toward her.
Her entire body seemed to be expressing that she had no idea how to respond.
Ironically, that made it easier for him to continue.
"This thing called trauma… seems to show people what they fear and regret most."
"…"
"Do you know what I saw in mine?"
His throat closed once, as though he was wondering whether he should say it.
But in the end, he forced the words out.
"I saw her… tear out her own heart and offer it to me."
Valdrova's fidgeting fingers froze.
It felt as though her heart had stopped.
Had that horrifying illusion, terrible even to hear about, been the thing causing him so much pain?
"That was what frightened me most. It was also what I regretted most."
Why?
Valdrova desperately swallowed the question.
She had never torn out her heart.
She had never done anything so painful.
'But in the end… it still happened because of me.'
Her chest grew heavy.
And as that weight increased, Ferda's breathing became faster and more ragged.
"…"
"I can't help wondering whether today might be my last."
Valdrova found this side of Ferda terribly unfamiliar.
This was a side of himself that Ferda never showed her.
It was also a side he never revealed to the public.
She had always thought Ferda was an incredibly strong man.
The things he created with his own hands filled her with wonder, and people everywhere looked up to him.
She had believed that his worries were nothing more than low fences he could easily step over.
But she had been wrong.
Ferda, too, was only human.
One day, he could break.
Something was spinning violently within Ferda's lower abdomen.
Even while he spoke, the shadows were moving the Shadow Circle of their own accord.
His internal organs felt as though they were being wrung dry, and he groaned on the bed.
"Ugh… Aah…"
At the moment the pain reached its peak, it suddenly vanished.
A new layer formed beneath Ferda's core and stacked itself atop the others.
The instant the knot was completed, Ferda felt it clearly.
"Ugh…!"
That terrible emotion had not been resolved at all.
Instead, it was attempting to burrow deeper into his heart.
It sought to make him repeat the future in which he had wandered through wrath and hatred, losing sight of his purpose.
Ferda's resolve was firm.
"Just once…"
He would remain human rather than become a monster.
"I wanted to call that name again…"
Ferda leaned forward and placed a hand over his chest.
His vision blurred as it sank toward the floor.
Using the last remnants of his consciousness, he gathered mana to take his own life.
"Eleanor…"
"No!"
A clear voice pulled Ferda back.
The final thing his fading vision caught was the armored knight.
The knight was rushing toward him.
But something was different.
It was as though the contents inside the armor were bursting free, tearing through it like a creature emerging from a molted cocoon.
And what emerged was vividly red.
"Ferda!"
A familiar, beautiful voice pierced his ears.
It belonged to Valdrova.
But he did not believe it.
That voice would surely change back into the man's original voice once again.
"I'm right here!"
Ferda's collapsing body was caught by something soft.
The scent that reached him was sweet.
If this were real, then Ferda was currently committing an incredibly embarrassing—and utterly irreverent—act, burying his face against her chest.
"I'm right here... so please don't suffer anymore...!"
She pleaded in a voice that sounded ready to break into tears.
No matter how much time passed, the dream showed no sign of ending.
With clouded eyes, Ferda looked up at Valdrova.
Crimson hair.
Golden eyes.
Two pairs of horns.
No matter how many times he blinked, the figure before him never changed.
"My light... Eleanor."
"Yes. I'm right here."
"Why are you here...?"
"Because... I've been here from the very beginning."
"From the very beginning...? That's impossible..."
Ferda could not believe such an absurd answer.
Clinging to what little reason he had left, he reached a conclusion.
'I see... So this is a dream.'
He wondered if the trauma was deceiving him again.
Yet strangely, this didn't feel like a nightmare.
Normally, he would have forced himself awake immediately.
But, ironically, his reason was telling him to stay.
Because of this illusion, the part of Ferda's heart that the Shadow Circle had been trying to consume was becoming his own once more.
It was like finding a warm cabin after getting lost on a snow-covered mountain.
'If I don't regret it... even if only like this...'
Perhaps he should simply follow his desire.
If he did, there might still be a chance.
Gently pulling away from her embrace, Ferda stood before her.
Her golden eyes, glistening with moisture, were more beautiful than any jewel.
"Eleanor."
"E-Eleanor..."
"Y-Yes..."
He called her name again and again.
Embarrassed, Valdrova instinctively lowered her head.
"No."
At the sudden touch against her cheek, she flinched.
Ferda raised his hand and gently lifted her face himself.
"Please let me see your face."
"I-I can't..."
"Then... please try to resist."
Valdrova stood at the pinnacle of strength.
If she truly wished, she could have pushed Ferda away with ease.
But she did not resist.
No...
She couldn't.
Those intoxicated-looking eyes...
As she stared into them, her entire body felt as though it had turned to stone.
Her heart was pounding so violently that calming it took all her attention.
Without protest, her body obeyed the guidance of Ferda's hands.
Seeing that, Ferda smiled faintly.
"So it really isn't reality."
"But... this is reality..."
Valdrova protested in a pitiful voice like a sickly chick.
Watching her, Ferda smiled softly.
"Then... I'm relieved. If you were truly real, I could never touch you like this."
Was that... a good thing?
If Ferda said so, perhaps it was.
"Eleanor."
"Y-Yes?"
"Do you dislike... the name I gave you?"
"I... um..."
Valdrova fidgeted.
"The truth is... whenever you call me that... I start feeling strange..."
"I see... Then if I ever meet you again... perhaps I shouldn't call you by that name."
Valdrova couldn't answer.
She felt as though her stomach might turn inside out instead of words coming from her mouth.
Instead, she shook her head vigorously.
"I understand."
"..."
"Could you show me your face?"
Slowly, she lowered the hands covering her face.
Her cheeks were burning crimson.
Her lips were tightly pressed together.
Her eyes trembled.
Seeing her like that, Ferda felt something stirring within him.
'It's spinning.'
The Red Circle that the Shadow Circle had nearly consumed...
It was turning with tremendous force.
'If not now... I'll never restore the balance.'
Even if she was only an illusion...
His love for her had not changed.
Ferda decided to ride this momentum.
"Eleanor."
"What I saw in my trauma..."
"...was you tearing out your heart and giving it to me."
"M-My... heart?"
"Yes..."
"Right here..."
Ferda slowly raised his empty hand and rested it against her chest.
"Right here... this is where you..."
"Hic!"
The bold touch—something he would never have dared in ordinary circumstances—made a startled hiccup escape her lips.
With his hand resting over her chest, Valdrova felt the world spinning.
She wanted to run.
She wanted to burst through the door and flee as far away as possible.
But if she left...
Ferda would never escape this place.
So she endured.
Ferda didn't remove his hand.
His index finger lightly felt the rhythm beneath it before he smiled.
"Your heart..."
"It's beating."
"And quite strongly."
"Y-Yes... v-very strongly...!"
"Eleanor..."
"Eleanor..."
"Y-Yes!"
"I'm glad I could confirm it."
"Y-You are...?"
"I've always been afraid..."
"...that you might tear out your heart."
His gentle tone allowed Valdrova to forget her embarrassment for a moment.
"Doesn't it hurt anymore?"
"No."
"It still hurts."
"Huh? Why?"
"Because of you."
"M-Me? Then there's something wrong—"
"It's all right."
"It's not a painful kind of suffering."
The Shadow Circle had stopped.
Above it, the Red Circle spun vigorously.
"Because of you..."
"It's turning."
"It's... turning?"
"The love I have for you..."
"...is spinning like this at this very moment."
"I-I see..."
"Would you like to feel it?"
"...Yes."
"...Huh?"
Before she could even understand what he meant...
Ferda gently took her hand.
His slender, warm fingers guided hers.
"Can you feel it?"
Slowly, he brought her hand toward his lower abdomen.
Valdrova's face turned scarlet.
Even through several layers of clothing...
She could feel it clearly.
Something fierce was swirling inside Ferda's body.
It flowed through her fingertips.
Valdrova realized she had tasted forbidden fruit.
She didn't know what to call this feeling.
But whatever it was...
It made her heart race so violently that she could no longer bear it.
What should this be called?
Love?
If this was love...
Then love was merciless violence.
An irresistible catastrophe.
Pop—
At last, her mind completely exploded.
Her tongue tangled.
Words melted away.
"Eleanor."
"Y-Yes..."
"I've imagined you countless times..."
"...but it's never spun this strongly before."
"I-I see...!"
"It's incredible."
"I think that every time..."
Ferda continued speaking regardless.
"Hatred."
"Anger."
"Those two emotions have always tormented me."
"And the regrets I've carried continue to torment me as well."
His blue eyes never left Valdrova.
"But..."
"This moment is different."
He spoke quietly.
"You..."
"...make me whole."
Valdrova understood exactly what he meant.
She often felt the same whenever she was with Ferda.
"Eleanor."
"Y-Yes...?"
"Would you grant me one request?"
"W-What is it...?"
"When I saw your face..."
"There was something I always wanted to do."
Her face was bright red.
A face she wanted to hide, worried that every flaw might be visible.
What could he possibly want to do?
"I was afraid..."
"...that you would hate me."
"You are so pure..."
"...and I was terrified that I would stain you."
"So I never dared."
"F-Ferda..."
She was already at her limit.
What more could he possibly want?
She had no idea.
Then...
Something caught her eye.
His moist gaze.
His softly gleaming lips.
Those lips looked impossibly gentle.
Her racing heart suddenly became strangely calm.
This was completely different from before.
Ferda did not wait for her permission.
Nor did Valdrova resist.
She simply followed her instincts.
Matching the angle of his face...
She tilted her head upward...
...and closed her eyes.
She felt his hands gently cupping both of her cheeks.
Her untouched lips tingled expectantly.
Then—
"...Eh?"
Ferda grasped both of her cheeks.
Wondering what he was doing...
She found him simply pressing them with his thumbs.
Gently kneading them.
Almost as though he were playing with soft rice cake.
"F-Ferda...?"
"Yes."
"W-What... are you doing?"
"This..."
"...is what I've always wanted to do."
His eyes sparkled with pure innocence.
"I've always wanted to squish your cheeks."
"Mmm...?"
What...?
This was definitely not what Valdrova had been expecting.
She had imagined something far bolder.
Something that skipped every step instead of climbing them one by one.
But she couldn't possibly say that aloud.
"They're so soft."
"Hehe..."
Ferda looked more relaxed than she had ever seen him.
Seeing his smiling face, her words melted away once more.
If she opened her mouth now, only incoherent babbling would come out.
Meanwhile, the violent force that had been raging inside Ferda gradually settled.
It took the shape of a larger, smoother sphere.
As its form became complete...
The willpower that had sustained him all this time finally collapsed.
Carefully, Valdrova lowered him against her chest.
Gently stroking his hair, she whispered,
"You've worked..."
"...so hard."
Seeing him finally at peace made her own heart feel lighter.
Sleeping, Ferda looked just like a child.
Wouldn't it be best to let him rest a little longer?
She wished they could remain alone together just a little while longer.
But that wish was not to be.
The door, which had refused to budge until now...
Slowly opened once more.
READ MORE CHAPTERS HERE : https://beastnovels.com/