Hey, Kid.
Hey, Folks.
How have you all been?
I've been pretty damned busy for the past couple of weeks, you know?
I am sorry that this has kept me away from you all.
Especially you, Kid.
I know how it is to be without a father, you know?
I would never intentionally deprive you of my time or attention.
I hope that those of you who read along are of a similar mind when it comes to your children.
They deserve any and everything.
Within reason, that is.
The very least you can give them is a half dozen hugs a day, and at least an hour or your attention.
One day you wont be around, and then what?
I...
I only wish that I had those experiences.
That time.
Those interactions...
People that I know who have children harp on how little time they tend to get for themselves due to the constant demand of those children.
I think that is incredibly selfish, and I don't mean in the obvious manner.
I mean -in my opinion- fuck them, and fuck their personal time.
That child/those children didn't ask to be brought into this world.
They didn't sit idly by and smile in the spiritual waiting room while you enjoyed getting bent over and cracked open by the guy who did all the crackin', nor did they asked to be made by you guys who simply couldn't just take a couple of seconds to slip a damned condom on.
These children didn't get to chose life, so you don't get to chose how much of yours belongs to them.
I - and many, many others- wish I had a kid to give my time and energy to.
Bah.
I will let you all get to what you came for.
Thank you kindly listening to me vent as always, and thank you even more for your patience with my weird posting schedule.
I love and appreciate you all, and to my African American readership, Happy Juneteenth!
See you all back here soon enough, yeah?
(Slips into my stupidly cool time machine affectionally named the Slappery-Slappish-Slappington 3000.1, and readies myself for a good ol fashioned skip across time and space!)
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June 13th, 2022.
Time: 7:15 am.
-----
Dear You.
Maybe I will remember to keep time for you as well.
(Smiling face drawn here.)
A friend of mine from high school asked me if I would like to co-parent with her.
Mean she would (may) be your mother.
XXXXX XXXXX.
"XXXXX XXXXX" we called/call her.
Simply because she is African American, and her name is XXXXX.
More-so to me because she is a pretty dark individual, which if she is your mom, you would know by now.
But I digress.
I am no fortune teller.
So, XXXXX XXXXX.
She finally took some advice...
And went to her doctors.
She is Bi-polar.
Officially.
Would that have changed things had I known?
Had she just went and got it looked into YEARS ago?
Had she been medicated and more balanced?
Who can say?...
Me?
I don't know...
I think a lot would have been different in many situations.
Maybe we would still be together,
But a bigger part of me doesn't believe that.
She is still who she is at her core.
She is... Many things.
I don't want to demonize her.
She may very well be your mother.
Even if we are not together.
I...
I want a FAMILY.
I don't want to co-parent.
Maybe I should really relay that to XXXXX...
Hmm.
She may in fact NOT be your mother...
Such a strange thing, not knowing,
But I know now, lol.
Well... In YOUR timeline, lol
- Dad.
-----
(Pops back into 2026 realizing more and more what the term "You dodged a bullet" actually means, and how very lucky I actually am.)
Hmm.
Lets get right into it, huh?
- I obviously didn't remember to keep track of the time of day at which I wrote, lol.
Oops.
- The first "XXXXX XXXXX" That I wrote about was actually an ex of mine from high school, not just an old friend.
We had met and dated very briefly in our youth, and she -to this day, I would wager- simply never got over me or moved on.
I had to block her on all social media platforms and do the same with her phone number...
She had an unhealthy obsession with me, which I hate to say because that term is stupid as shit, I mean, what then is a HEALTHY OBSESSION?
Right?
We had dated for all of maybe a month back when we were both all of... 16?
I had called it off due to her uncanny ability to be unnecessarily rude and mean to not only me but the people around her.
I couldn't deal with her or that in my youth and with my lack of experience in not only dating, but dealing with a neural divergent significant other.
I'll admite, we met up a decent amount of times after I left my fiancé in 2022, and man...
The sex was good.
Very good.
A bit too good, in fact.
But she was no good for me.
She hadn't changed since we had parted ways in high school, and that was quite the turn off.
She had also slept with the gut who I had at the time not only saw as my best friend, but was also my God brother.
Unacceptable.
I could NEVER have a child with her.
EVER.
Even had she not slept with him.
I am very aware of the genetic lottery, and I would never gamble my kids future and genetic code with her.
I dodged a bullet with many of my exe's...
She was also VERY Gothic, with a deep and profound love of all that is macabre, hence the "Black" in her name.
It worked due to that fact, and the fact that she was mixed, being of both African American and Caucasian descent.
- My most recent fiancé would fight anyone to the death had they told her that she should get diagnosed.
She was beyond stubborn and resistant to the idea, fearing that -from what I was told from her own mouth-
"People would judge her and look at her differently if they thought she was special or had mental issues."
I would do my best to convence her that this was not the case, and that even if anyone did judge her, then that person, or those people were no good for her life or health.
She would hear none of it.
After years of mental, verbal, and emotional abuse at her hands, I had finally gathered enough enough strength and courage to leave her.
I had to.
If you've made it this far in this book, you know why...
Anyway.
Shortly after I left her, and moved out, she went and officially got the help that she needed.
The help that I, and her mom, and her siblings, and the small batch of friends that she had, had been telling her to seek all along.
It was far too late for it to have any affect on "us" or me as an individual.
It was far too late for her to undo any of the damage that she had done while both "stable" and in her manic state.
It was far too late.
Humans had the capacity and ability to change, you know?
Many simply chose not to.
We can if we want to.
She chose not to change for many reasons.
Many that I will never be able to speak to, nor do I care to.
I can and will say this much:
She was afraid to change.
Why?
And these are all from her mouth, not my opinion.
1. She was comfortable being who she was in the chaos.
2. She hated who she was when she wasn't angry or in a bad mood because the anger was just sadness coming out in a way that she was comfortable showing it.
3. Her "Hippy" kind/calm/happy side bothered her because she felt vulnerable. (When she wasn't manic...)
4. She didn't want to be judge as having "mental issues" and being seen as being drugged up all the time.
I have no idea what those reasons meant to her, or why they existed, but they did.
Until they didn't.
She went and got a Therapist and was regulated and medicated within a matter of weeks.
Would things had been different between us had she been that way from the start?
Mayhap.
Who can tell?
I am here writing this because it all went how it went, you know?
I would have it no other way.
I believe that people can change...
They just have to want it badly enough, and for the right reasons.
Change for YOU and only for YOU, Kid.
You as well, Folks.
Your life is yours and yours alone to walk, do it how you want, but do it with integrity.
- My exe fiancé could NEVER be your Mum, Kid.
Not unless she got pregnant the last time we...
You know?
And here in my timeline, that would make you just over or around...
Two?
Maybe?
I would have to check my journal, it would know.
Hmm.
Nope.
I am 100000000000% sure that you haven't been born to her, and of by some fackin' uncanny shard of fate you have been?
I pray you find your way to me...
I love you Kid.
You all as well, Folks.
I could never and would never be able to thank you all enough for your time, energy, and patience when it come to these old journals of mine, and I look forward to seeing you all for the next one.
I love and appreciate you more than you will ever know.
I hope that this one did something for you, Kid.
You all as well, Folks.
I will see you all back here for the next one before you know the time ha passed, yeah?
Safe traves out there, yeah?
And as always:
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
- Bluu.