An engine sound wakes me up, the only sound around me.
My body hurts everywhere like I was beaten down then thrown under a bus then beaten down again.
My head is throbbing.
I'm in the front seat of Lucca's BMW, the same place I've been just a few times this month, the feeling like a lifetime ago.
After I can properly open my eyes and the haze dissipates I look at him by my side. He is impassive.
Eyes glued to the road.
As if I wasn't there at all.
Suddenly a tsunami of thoughts floods my mind.
I remember what happened before Lucca broke my neck.
"How could you do this to me? How am I still alive? Where is Sammy? And where are you taking me?" My voice is low and cracked.
My throat is on fire with the effort to utter those words.
He takes a long time to answer, as if pondering. And still doesn't look at my accusing eyes. Coward.
"One question at a time. I apologize for breaking your neck, but it was the only way you could 'sleep' otherwise you would refuse to come with me. You're alive because from the moment Theodore injected the poison into your heart, you ceased to be completely human. Your sister is in the backseat. And I'm taking you to the house where I stayed when I fled the council; you'll be safer there."
I look back sharply, the movement causes a wave of pain so immense I almost faint, but I ignore it. Sammy is fast asleep draped over the backseat.
"Did you break her neck too?" My voice is even lower.
"Yes." He answers curtly.
"What about all my stuff? School? The Hawks? Lou?" I try to force my voice and it's almost not enough.
"Your things are in the trunk, did you forget the year is over? The Hanks will be fine, Laura was also under Theodore's control, and Louise has her funeral in preparation as we speak."
His insensitivity is frightening. This is not the person I know.
But come again, who do I really know? Theodore was controlling people right under my nose without me ever feeling it, too focused on romance to think about anything else.
This realization is like a splash of cold water on my face. Pathetic.
I look out of the window, the cloudy day seems to reflect my thoughts, all I can feel right now is pain and cold.
"I'm sorry for everything that happened, I didn't mean for all this to happen, but it can't be fixed anymore. If you don't want to forgive me, I understand."
I don't answer him. Just continue looking outside, with the trees going too fast to keep track. My mind is blank and desolate. Everything feels bleak right now.
The car stops on the side of the road and I finally look at him again, expressionless.
Lucca looks deep into my eyes, the words 'I love you, I never wanted to hurt you' ring in my head, followed by an image.
Lucca is holding me in his arms, my safe haven.
Then the image fades away.
Why does he do this to me?
I wish I could say everything was okay.
But that would be a lie.
"How did you do that?" I ask.
"It's simple, just look deep into someone's eyes and project what you want them to see, the more detailed the better. Most of us can do that."
His voice is sad. Like he expected another question.
"I would give my life for you." He whispers.
I just look at him.
Then Sammy wakes up.
She is not happy at all.
"What did you do to me, you son of a bitch?" She growls low then gets into a cough fit.
This will be a hell of a conversation.
***
Not long after Lucca stops in a roadside restaurant. The whole time our table is as silent as a tomb, Sammy glares at him even while eating her chicken tenders and fries while I try to force down my own tuna sandwich with cola and don't look at either of them.
I've been feeling shame creeping in since I woke up, the sensation unpleasant and sticky.
Ashamed that I just looked the other way whenever things happened, just went with the flow, just became a bystander.
If I had paid attention more, not ignored it, would Lou still be alive today? Or was it meant to be from the beginning, like a train out of track being guided purely by constant velocity and incapable of stopping?
I look at my hands, the nails short and clean, the hands fair and well formed, but it looks so dirty right now, as if I killed them all myself.
After we finish and Lucca pays the bill, the car drive becomes suffocating, I let my windows down and the cold breeze gives me a little respite.
"So, will anyone tell me what the fuck is happening right now and how this damn guy broke both our necks but we're still alive while your best friend killed my boyfriend?" Sammy says in an angry voice.
I tighten my hands into firsts.
Nobody says anything.
"Ok since you want to be quails, I will start, there was me pretty happy and content with my boyfriend in the parking lot making out when from the corner of my eye I see Lou talking in the phone with someone with this deranged look in her eyes and a knife in her hands, and for some reason my hearing goes wild and I hear her talk about you and say she will complete some mission and you won't escape. Then I immediately go over because wtf is this all about? Then she starts saying that I'm part of the mission too and she doesn't bother in starting with me, then Kaio…" Her voice chokes with pain. "Then he's in front of me and there's a knife in his guts, then there's so much screaming and then you come with Lucca and the rest you know already." By the end her voice breaks down.
My chest aches for her, I know how much she liked Kaio, they have been together for a year already and had so many plans after school.
I feel cold and trembling all over.
"Loisue and the Hawks were being controlled by Theodore to do his bidding, I don't know why he is still around when it should be someone else but he was waiting for her to force you both to awaken to the poison inside you. I broke your necks as a last minute mesure, it indeed helps awaken the poison but there was no choice, he was coming and I can't fight him alone, we needed to be out immediately. Even what happened at the ball was orchestrated by him, power lines don't cut heads like that, someone was around and did it to cause a bigger chaos so it would be easier to take you both, we had no time at all." Lucca says in a calm voice.
Then he goes on about the stuff he said to me at that date a million years ago, and Sammy questions the same stuff I did.
I look outside, feeling numb and so damn tired.
I knew it was too wrong at that time, he was so close and I never imagined or felt him.
I feel like an ant, ready to be crushed, with my life going with the whimsical wishes of someone else.
"Leyley, why didn't you tell me before?" Sammy says in a small voice.
The childhood nickname cuts me deeply.
The fresh tears instantly spill from my eyes, this time I can't force them down.
"I was stupid… I'm sorry, I put you at risk for my selfishness… I…" I hide my face in my hands and weep quietly, this feeling too much to bear. All this time since our life has changed so much, without our parents, we should be each other's strength, and I grew apart to keep my bubble intact.
I have no excuse.
I'm selfish.