The problem with Evil Clones is that they always have better budgets.
Elara Vance stood in the center of the Tournament Arena, staring at her doppelganger. Dark Elara wore a suit made of black liquid latex that shimmered under the arena lights. Her hair was a perfect, sleek bob that didn't move when she turned her head. And in her hand, the Double-Bladed Lightsaber Baguette hummed with a menacing, red-yeast energy.
"You look tired," Dark Elara sneered. Her voice was auto-tuned to sound deeper and cooler. "Your texture resolution is low. And is that... motor oil on your gi?"
"It's grime," Elara said, tightening her belt. "It adds character. You look like a graphics card demo."
"I am Elara Prime," the clone corrected. "I am the reboot. I am the gritty reimagining. I do not have anxiety. I do not have debt. I have agency."
"And I have a rolling pin," Elara said, raising her wooden weapon.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" the Announcer boomed. "IT'S THE FINALS! UNIVERSE 404 VS. THE DARK REFLECTION! WINNER TAKES THE TROPHY OF ULTIMATE BRANDING!"
Barry Bannington was screaming into his headset from the sidelines. "This is it! The Mirror Match! It's the highest-rated trope in fiction! Aldren, look intimidated! Ignis, look... well, try to look majestic, you chunky lizard!"
On the other side of the ring, the rest of the Dark Reflection team stepped forward.
Dark Aldren was not wearing a tuxedo or a cape. He was shirtless. His skin glittered like diamonds in the sun. He wore low-rise jeans and had a brooding expression that suggested he was thinking about poetry, but bad poetry.
"Behold," Dark Aldren whispered, flexing his abs. "I am the Vampire of the Modern Era. I do not burn. I sparkle."
Our Aldren Vance gagged. "Put a shirt on! You are violating the gothic aesthetic! Vampires are creatures of shadow, not... disco balls!"
"Jealous?" Dark Aldren smirked, checking his reflection in his own pectoral muscles. "I test well with the Young Adult demographic. I am a romantic interest, not a comedic relief."
Dark Li stepped forward. He didn't bow. He cracked his knuckles and spat on the floor. He wore a headset with a microphone and a jersey that said TEAM TOXIC.
"Yo," Dark Li grunted. "You running a Monk build? Trash tier. I bet you don't even know the frame data for your own jab."
Our Li Wusheng narrowed his eyes. "I fight with the flow of the universe."
"Flow is for casuals," Dark Li laughed. "I fight with the Meta. I use exploits. I tea-bag my enemies. Prepare to get wrecked, scrub."
And finally, Dark Ignis.
He wasn't a dragon. He wasn't chunky. He was a human in a tank top that was struggling to contain his biceps. He was holding a shaker bottle filled with sludge.
"Do you even lift, bro?" Dark Ignis asked, crushing the shaker bottle with one hand.
Our Ignis (still in Chunky Dragon form) blinked. "I lift... heavy cheeses into my mouth."
"Pathetic," Dark Ignis scoffed. "I am the Alpha Dragon. I count macros. I do cross-fit. My fire is fueled by whey protein and insecurity."
"FIGHT!" the Robot Referee yelled.
The arena exploded into chaos.
The Vampire Duel
Aldren Vance charged at his sparkly counterpart, wielding his referee whistle like a holy symbol.
"Back, you abomination!" Aldren shouted. "You represent everything wrong with our lore!"
Dark Aldren didn't dodge. He just posed. The arena lights hit his glittery skin, creating a blinding lens flare.
"MY EYES!" Aldren shrieked, covering his face. "The glare! It is excessive!"
"It's called 'The Glow Up'," Dark Aldren whispered, appearing behind him with supernatural speed. "I am faster than you because I am not weighed down by heavy velvet capes."
He kicked Aldren. THUD.
Aldren rolled across the mat. "Velvet is a lifestyle choice!"
"I am the brooding bad boy," Dark Aldren declared. "I have a motorcycle. I have a troubled past. I have no need for... whimsy."
Aldren stood up. He dusted off his tuxedo.
"You have no whimsy?" Aldren asked. "Then you have no soul."
Aldren reached into his pocket. He pulled out his secret weapon. It wasn't a weapon. It was a Mirror.
"Look at yourself!" Aldren commanded, holding the mirror up.
"Ha!" Dark Aldren laughed. "Vampires have no reflection!"
"Classic vampires don't," Aldren corrected. "But you... you are a Modern Vampire. You are obsessed with your image. Therefore..."
Dark Aldren looked. He saw himself in the mirror.
He saw a smudge on his nose.
"A smudge?" Dark Aldren gasped. "On my perfect porcelain skin? Impossible!"
"It is a pore!" Aldren shouted. "A clogged pore! Your skincare routine is flawed!"
"NOOOO!" Dark Aldren screamed, clutching his face. "I am blemished! My brand deal is ruined!"
He fell to his knees, frantically trying to exfoliate with his own tears.
"Vanity," Aldren noted, putting the mirror away. "Is the deadliest sin. Also, I drew on the mirror with a marker."
The Gamer Duel
Dark Li was moving so fast he was blurring.
"Infinite combo!" Dark Li shouted, punching the air. "Stun lock! Juggle! Reset! You can't touch me! My ping is zero!"
Our Li Wusheng stood perfectly still, dodging the blows with minimal movement.
"You are wasting energy," Li observed. "You are button mashing."
"It's called pressure, noob!" Dark Li yelled. "I'm in your head! You're tilting! Rage quit! Rage quit!"
Dark Li swept the leg. Li jumped. Dark Li tried a grab. Li sidestepped.
"Lag!" Dark Li screamed. "That was lag! I hit you! The server is trash!"
"There is no server," Li said calmly. "Only skill."
"I'm reporting you!" Dark Li fumed. "Aimbot! Wallhacks! My dad works for the Publisher!"
Li Wusheng sighed. "You are toxic. You pollute the lobby."
Li reached into his robe. He pulled out his smartphone.
"What are you doing?" Dark Li asked. "Checking a wiki?"
"No," Li said. "I am accessing the Admin Controls."
"You can't do that! That's cheating!"
"It is not cheating," Li smiled. "It is Moderation."
Li pressed a button on his phone. He pointed it at Dark Li.
[MUTE PLAYER.]
A digital gag appeared over Dark Li's mouth.
"Mmph?" Dark Li's eyes went wide.
"I have muted your voice chat," Li said. "Without your trash talk, you have no power."
Dark Li tried to scream. He tried to tea-bag. But the silence was deafening. He panicked. He looked around for validation, but the crowd couldn't hear his insults.
Li stepped forward. "Dao of the Ban Hammer."
He tapped Dark Li on the forehead.
BOOP.
Dark Li collapsed, disconnected from reality due to lack of attention.
The Dragon Duel
Ignis (Chunky Form) waddled around the ring, pursued by Dark Ignis (Gym Bro Form).
"Stop running!" Dark Ignis yelled, curling a dumbbell he brought into the ring. "Fight me! Let's see who can bench press this building!"
"Running is cardio," Ignis wheezed. "I thought you liked cardio."
"Cardio kills gains!" Dark Ignis roared. "I only do hypertrophy! I am swole! You are... doughy!"
"I am pleasant to hug!" Ignis argued.
Dark Ignis cornered him near the turnbuckle. "Prepare to be crushed by my lats!"
He flexed. His muscles ripped through his tank top.
"Wait," Ignis said. "What is that?"
He pointed to the shaker bottle Dark Ignis had dropped.
"My protein shake?" Dark Ignis asked. "Don't touch it! It's a custom blend! Raw eggs, dragon scale dust, and creatine!"
"Creatine?" Ignis sniffed. "Is it... tasty?"
"It is fuel!" Dark Ignis shouted. "Taste is irrelevant! Results are everything!"
Ignis looked at the bottle. He looked at the Gym Bro.
"I disagree," Ignis said.
He grabbed the bottle.
"No!" Dark Ignis yelled. "That's my pre-workout! If you drink that without lifting, you'll explode!"
Ignis didn't drink it.
He breathed on it.
A tiny puff of dragon fire hit the bottle. The plastic melted. The sludge inside began to boil.
"You cooked it?" Dark Ignis gasped. "You denatured the proteins!"
"It smells like... omelet," Ignis said.
He threw the boiling bottle at Dark Ignis.
"My macros!" Dark Ignis screamed, trying to catch it.
The bottle exploded in his face. Hot, protein-rich sludge covered him.
"It burns!" Dark Ignis wailed. "And it's not keto-friendly!"
He slipped on the sludge and fell face-first into the mat. He tried to do a push-up to get up, but slipped again.
"I have fallen," Dark Ignis sobbed. "And I cannot spot myself."
Ignis sat on him.
SQUISH.
"Pin!" the Referee shouted.
The Main Event
Elara Vance parried a strike from the Double-Bladed Lightsaber Baguette. Her own weapon—a rolling pin—was charred and smoking.
"Give up," Dark Elara said, spinning her weapon like a helicopter. "I am better than you. I have a tragic backstory that was market-tested. My merchandise sells out in minutes. I am the Perfect Protagonist."
"You're boring!" Elara yelled, dodging a slash. "You're perfect, which means you can't grow! You have no arc!"
"Arcs are for weaklings who need to change," Dark Elara scoffed. "I arrived fully formed! I am a Mary Sue, and I am proud!"
She thrust her hand forward. "Force Push!"
An invisible wall of energy hit Elara. She flew backward, crashing into the turnbuckle.
"Elara!" Barry yelled from the side. "The ratings are dipping! She's beating you too easily! Do something unpredictable! A plot twist!"
Elara groaned, pulling herself up. Her gi was torn. Her rolling pin was cracked.
She looked at Dark Elara. The clone was checking her nails, waiting for the camera to zoom in.
"You want a plot twist?" Elara muttered.
She reached into her pocket. She didn't have a weapon. She had the black Moleskine notebook the Author had given her. The Canon.
"Hey!" Elara shouted. "Elara Prime!"
Dark Elara looked up. "Any last words? Perhaps a witty quip?"
"I'm writing you out," Elara said.
She opened the notebook. She grabbed a pen (not the Retcon Pen, just a regular Bic).
"What are you doing?" Dark Elara laughed. "You can't edit me! I am the villain! I have plot armor until the season finale!"
"We're not in the season finale," Elara said, scribbling furiously. "We're in the Pilot for my show."
She wrote: Dark Elara realized she had left the oven on.
Dark Elara froze. Her eyes went wide.
" The oven?" Dark Elara whispered. "Did I... did I leave the oven on?"
"Yes," Elara said, writing more. She remembered she was baking... a gluten-free loaf of sadness.
"No!" Dark Elara panicked. "My loaf! It will burn! It is the source of my angst!"
"Go check it," Elara commanded.
"I must!" Dark Elara shrieked. "I must save the loaf!"
She turned and ran. She ran straight out of the ring, through the crowd of cardboard cutouts, and jumped off the floating island into the void.
"I'M COMING, LOAF!" her voice faded away.
"WINNER!" The Announcer boomed. "UNIVERSE 404!"
The Trophy Ceremony
Confetti (recycled paper) rained down on the arena. The crowd of stock photos bobbed up and down enthusiastically.
Barry Bannington ran into the ring, hugging Elara.
"Brilliant!" Barry screamed. "The psychological victory! The subversion of expectations! We're renewed for six seasons and a movie!"
A pedestal rose from the floor. On it sat the Trophy of Ultimate Branding. It was a golden statue of a hashtag.
"We did it," Li Wusheng said, accepting the trophy. "We are branded."
"I feel... validated," Aldren admitted, straightening his tie.
"Can we eat the trophy?" Ignis asked.
"No," Barry said. "But you get the prize money! 100,000 Syndication Credits!"
"That pays the rent!" Jen cheered. "And buys real coffee!"
"And," Barry added, a gleam in his eye. "You win the Mystery Prize."
"Mystery Prize?" Elara asked suspiciously.
The jumbotron screen flickered. A new logo appeared. It wasn't the Syndication Network. It was something darker. Something educational.
THE HISTORY CHANNEL.
"Pack your bags, kids!" Barry grinned. "The network loved the historical costumes in the Beach Episode. So we're sending you to a new spin-off!"
"A spin-off?" Elara backed away.
"You're going to Ancient Rome!" Barry shouted. "But with Aliens! And Bigfoot! It's 'Ancient Mysteries: The Reality Show'!"
"I do not want to fight aliens in togas," Aldren protested.
"Too late!" Barry pressed a button on the trophy.
A portal opened beneath their feet.
"Wait!" Elara yelled. "We haven't signed a contract for a spin-off!"
"Read the fine print!" Barry waved. "Clause 8: Crossover Events are Mandatory!"
The team fell into the portal, screaming.
"Tune in next week!" Barry waved at the camera. "Same Bat-Time, Same Bat-Channel!"