The portal to the Tournament of Champions did not look like a magical gateway. It looked like a giant television screen suspended in the void, playing a highlight reel of people getting punched in the face to dubstep music.
"Welcome to Sweeps Week!" Barry Bannington shouted over the noise of the crowd.
The Generic Getaway Van (now branded with the Syndication Network logo) flew through the screen and landed on a floating island made of concrete and gratuitous lens flares.
Elara Vance stepped out. She looked down at her outfit. Her Noir dress was gone. She was now wearing an orange martial arts gi with the kanji for "Ratings" on the back.
"I feel... aerodynamic," Elara noted, throwing a punch. "And comfortable. Finally, pants."
"It is the uniform of the warrior!" Li Wusheng cheered. He leaped out of the van, doing a quadruple backflip. He was wearing a weighted cape (which cracked the pavement when he dropped it). "I have waited seasons for this! The Tournament Arc! The purest form of storytelling!"
"It's barbaric," Aldren Vance sniffed. The Vampire Lord was wearing a tuxedo with a referee's whistle. "Why must we resolve conflict with violence? Can we not resolve it with a scathing critique of their fashion choices?"
"Violence rates better," Barry said, checking his tablet. "Okay, team! Here's the setup. We represent Universe 404 (The Public Domain). If you win, you get the Trophy of Ultimate Branding. If you lose... you get cancelled."
"Cancelled?" Jen asked, clutching her clipboard (now a score card). "Like... dead?"
"Worse," Barry whispered. "Rebooted with a cheaper cast."
A horn blared. It was so loud it shook the floating island.
"LADIES, GENTLEMEN, AND SENTIENT CONCEPTS!" the Announcer's voice boomed from the sky. "WELCOME TO THE SEMI-QUARTER-FINALS!"
The arena was massive. It was a ring floating in a void of screaming fans—but the fans weren't people. They were stock photos of excited crowds, pasted onto cardboard cutouts, bobbing up and down.
"The budget is all in the particle effects," Barry explained. "We saved money on the audience."
"First Match!" the Announcer roared. "Representing the Shonen Jump-Cut Universe: HIRO THE SCREAMER!"
A pillar of golden light erupted on the opposite side of the ring.
Stepping out of the light was a boy with spiky yellow hair that defied gravity, logic, and zoning laws. He wore a torn vest, seventeen belts that held up nothing, and he was vibrating.
"I WILL BECOME THE KING OF THE FIGHTERS!" Hiro screamed.
His voice broke the sound barrier. A shockwave of pure volume knocked Elara's rolling pin out of her belt.
"He is loud," Ignis noted, covering his dragon ears. "Is he edible?"
"And his opponent!" the Announcer yelled. "Representing the Syndication Network: THE STREAMER MONK, LI WUSHENG!"
"My time has come," Li whispered.
He stepped into the ring. He bowed deeply.
"Greetings, warrior," Li said calmly. "I admire your hair. It has excellent structural integrity."
"FRIENDSHIP!" Hiro screamed back. "IS MY POWER!"
"Start!" the Referee (a floating robot) shouted.
"Okay Li," Barry whispered into his headset. "Stick to the script. Let him beat you up for twenty minutes. Then, have a flashback about your grandfather. Then, unlock a new form and win."
"I do not need a flashback," Li said. "I have the Sphere of Unending Flow."
Li raised his hand. "Energy Blast!"
A blue beam shot toward Hiro.
Hiro didn't dodge. He just stood there and... flexed.
"HHHHRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Hiro began to scream.
The ground around him cracked. Rocks began to float into the air. Golden aura flared around him like a bonfire.
Li's energy blast hit the aura and dissolved.
"He is charging up," Li realized. "He is gathering Ki."
"Don't interrupt him!" Barry yelled. "It's rude! Let him finish the transformation!"
Li crossed his arms. He tapped his foot. He waited.
Hiro continued to scream.
"RRRRRAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Five minutes passed.
"Is he... still going?" Aldren asked, checking his pocket watch.
"He's powering up to Level 2," Barry whispered reverently. "Look at the hair. It's getting spikier."
Hiro's hair grew three inches. His muscles bulged. His screaming went up an octave.
"EEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHH!"
Ten minutes passed.
Elara sat down on the ring apron. "I'm hungry. Ignis, go find snacks."
"On it," Ignis said, wandering off toward a sign that said CONCESSIONS.
Fifteen minutes passed.
Hiro was now surrounded by lightning. His eyes had turned white. He was floating.
"IIIIIIIIIIII!"
"This is boring," Li said. "I am bored. Chat is bored. Viewership is dropping."
Li pulled out his smartphone. He started playing a mobile game while Hiro screamed in the background.
"Li!" Barry hissed. "Stop playing Candy Crush! Look intimidated!"
"I am not intimidated," Li said. "I am concerned for his vocal cords."
Suddenly, the screaming stopped.
Silence fell over the arena.
Hiro lowered his arms. He panted heavily. He looked magnificent. He glowed with the power of a thousand suns.
"I have ascended," Hiro whispered. "I am now... Super Hiro God Mode."
"Finally," Li pocketed his phone. "Shall we engage?"
"Not yet," Hiro said, a single tear rolling down his cheek. "First... I must remember why I fight."
The world turned sepia. Sad piano music began to play.
A giant holographic screen appeared above the ring. It showed a flashback.
It showed a young Hiro, sitting alone on a swing set in the rain.
"Oh no," Jen groaned. "The Swing Set of Sadness. It's the ultimate trope."
"Look at him," Aldren sniffled. "He is so lonely. The swing... it squeaks with the rhythm of his sorrow."
"I fight..." Hiro monologued, pointing at Li, "...for the ones who were picked last in gym class! For the ones who never got the limited edition trading card! FOR MY FRIENDS!"
"I am not your friend," Li pointed out. "We just met."
"ULTIMATE ATTACK!" Hiro roared. "FRIENDSHIP... BEAM... CANNON!"
He cupped his hands. A ball of energy the size of a moon began to form.
"Block it, Li!" Elara shouted. "Use the shields!"
"No," Li said. He narrowed his eyes. "He spent twenty minutes charging. He has no stamina left."
Li stepped forward. He didn't use a shield. He didn't use a beam.
He used the Dao of the Gentle Push.
Li walked up to the glowing, screaming, god-mode teenager.
He extended one finger.
He booped Hiro on the nose.
Boop.
Hiro's concentration broke. The moon-sized energy ball fizzled. The golden aura vanished. The spiky hair deflated.
Hiro blinked. "N-Nani?"
He wobbled. His knees buckled from the exhaustion of screaming for twenty minutes.
He fell face-first onto the concrete.
THUD.
"Winner!" the Robot Referee shouted. "Li Wusheng!"
"WHAT?!" Barry screamed, throwing his headset. "That was anti-climactic! Where was the beam struggle? Where was the planet exploding?"
"Efficiency," Li said, bowing to the unconscious boy. "Is the true martial art."
The Concession Stand
Meanwhile, under the bleachers, Ignis had found the food court.
"One hot dog, please," Ignis requested.
The vendor—a floating eyeball with tentacles—handed him a bun.
"That will be 50 Souls," the vendor gurgled.
"I do not have souls," Ignis said. "I have... exposure?"
"No souls, no meat," the eyeball hissed.
Ignis frowned. He looked at the vendor. He looked at the hot dog machine, which was spinning rotisserie sausages that glowed green.
"I am a Dragon," Ignis stated. "I do not pay."
"Security!" the eyeball shrieked.
A massive Ogre in a security vest stomped over. "Problem, sir?"
"He refuses to pay!"
The Ogre grabbed Ignis's shoulder. "Pay up, lizard."
Ignis sighed. He was still wearing the white-out bottle hat.
"I did not want to do this," Ignis said. "But I am experiencing... hanger."
Ignis unhinged his jaw.
He didn't eat the hot dog. He ate the Hot Dog Machine.
CRUNCH. glass, metal, and glowing sausages disappeared into the dragon's maw.
"Hey!" the Ogre yelled.
Ignis burped. "Needs mustard."
"You ate the inventory!" the Ogre roared, raising a club.
"Ignis!" a voice called.
Vex floated over. She was wearing a cheerleader outfit (Barry's idea).
"Don't fight him, Ignis," Vex said. "Seduce him."
Ignis blinked. "What?"
"We need the 'Romance Arc' points for the scorecard!" Vex whispered. "Look at him! He's big! He's strong! Tell him!"
Ignis looked at the Ogre. He tried to smile. It looked terrifying.
"You have..." Ignis rumbled. "...adequate muscle mass."
The Ogre paused. He blushed. "Really? I've been working out."
"Yes," Ignis nodded. "You look... chewy. In a good way."
The Ogre giggled. "Oh stop it."
[ROMANCE POINTS ACQUIRED!][SIDE QUEST COMPLETE: FLIRT WITH THE ENEMY.]
"We're clear," Vex grabbed Ignis's arm. "Let's go before he realizes you ate the fryer."
The Bracket
Back in the locker room, the team regrouped.
"That was a disaster," Barry paced back and forth. "Li, you won too fast! The episode is only eight minutes long! We have to fill time!"
"I can read poetry," Aldren offered.
"NO," Barry said. "We need conflict."
He pointed to the tournament bracket on the wall.
"Okay, Round 2. You're fighting The Magical Girl Squad."
"Magical Girls?" Jen asked. "Like... sparkles and wands?"
"Yes," Barry said. "They are deadly. They have a transformation sequence that is unskippable. If you try to attack them while they're changing clothes, you get disqualified for indecency."
"So we have to wait?" Elara asked.
"You have to wait," Barry nodded. "And then, you have to deal with the power of Love and Friendship."
"We just beat Friendship," Li noted.
"This is different," Barry said grimly. "This is Sparkly Friendship. It's radioactive."
"What's the strategy?" Elara asked.
"We need a distraction," Barry said. "Something to break their formation. Something... cute."
All eyes turned to Ignis.
"No," Ignis said. "I am not turning into the chunky dragon again."
"Ignis," Barry pleaded. "Think of the merchandising. Chunky Dragon vs. The Glitter Force. It's money in the bank!"
"I have dignity!" Ignis roared. "I am the Scourge of the Skies!"
"I have a kebab," Barry pulled a foil-wrapped package from his pocket.
Ignis froze. "Lamb?"
"And garlic sauce."
Ignis sighed. The sound was heavy, filled with the weight of compromise.
"Give me the meat," Ignis whispered. "I will be the plushie."
The Arena - Round 2
The team stood in the ring. Opposite them stood five girls in color-coded sailor outfits.
"In the name of the Moon!" the Leader (Pink) shouted. "We will punish you!"
"Transformation Start!"
Music played. Ribbons swirled. The girls began to spin, their outfits changing piece by piece in a glowing void.
"It is taking so long," Li complained, checking his watch. "Can I at least stretch?"
"Don't look!" Aldren covered his eyes. "It is improper!"
Finally, after two minutes of stock footage, the girls struck a pose.
"Sparkle... BOMBER!"
They aimed their wands. A beam of pink hearts shot toward the team.
"Ignis! Now!" Elara yelled.
Ignis (who had eaten the kebab and transformed) waddled forward. He was round. He was golden. He was incredibly unthreatening.
"Roar," Ignis squeaked. He did a little dance.
The Magical Girls froze.
"Omigosh!" The Blue one squealed. "Look at him! He's so chubby!"
"He's shaped like a friend!" The Green one cried.
"I want to hug him!" The Pink one dropped her wand.
The beam of destruction dissipated. The girls swarmed Ignis, petting his scales and cooing.
"It's working!" Jen yelled. "They are distracted by the Kawaii Factor!"
"Elara! Finish it!"
Elara stepped forward. She didn't use a weapon. She used The Truth.
"Hey!" Elara shouted at the girls. "You know your talking cat familiar? He's actually an alien overlord using you to harvest energy to stop the heat death of the universe!"
The girls stopped petting Ignis. "What?"
"It's a deconstruction of the genre!" Aldren added helpfully. "Your innocence is being exploited for a grimdark plot twist!"
The girls looked at their cat mascot. The cat looked nervous.
"Is this true, Mr. Fluff-Butt?" the Pink one asked.
"The entropy must be reversed," the cat replied in a deep, menacing voice.
"AAAAAHHH!" The girls screamed. They turned their wands on the cat.
"Civil War!" Rex Chord cheered, playing a battle riff. "They're fighting themselves!"
"Winner by forfeit!" The Robot Referee shouted. "Team Universe 404!"
"We did it!" Elara sighed, collapsing on the mat. "We survived Sweeps Week."
"Not yet," Barry's voice crackled in her ear. "Check the bracket, kid. The Finals."
Elara looked up at the giant screen. The bracket updated.
FINALS:UNIVERSE 404 vs. THE DARK REFLECTION
And stepping out of the shadows on the other side of the arena wasn't a stranger.
It was Elara.
But she wasn't wearing a pizza vest. She was wearing a suit made of black mirrors. Her eyes were red. And she was holding a Double-Bladed Lightsaber Baguette.
"Oh no," Elara whispered. "It's the Evil Clone episode."