Vampires?
Daniel wasn't even fazed. The pale skin, crimson eyes, and fangs checked every box on the vampire bingo card.
Still, this game was throwing everything into the blender: Marvel superheroes, street-level psychos, and now sparkly bloodsuckers. Whatever, he'd roll with it.
He lowered his elbow from the redhead's shattered sternum and sighed theatrically.
"See? If you'd just opened with 'Hi, I'm a vampire,' you could've skipped the whole elbow-to-the-soul experience."
The woman glared daggers but kept her mouth shut. She was now 100 % convinced the guy in front of her was clinically insane.
Daniel crouched, genuinely curious. "So, what flavor of vampire are you?"
"Flavor?"
"Yeah. There's the budget version: stronger than humans, allergic to literally everything, drinks blood, dies to a sunburn. Then there's the premium edition: walks in daylight, has superpowers, but spends all day brooding in love triangles with werewolves and depressed teenagers. Which one are you?"
The redhead grimaced. "...Budget, I guess."
"Cool, cool. How many of you budget vamps are running around the States?"
"Not many. If we were common, your S.H.I.E.L.D. would've noticed by now."
Fair point. Nick Fury's paranoia had paranoia.
Daniel leaned in. "Those missing-person clusters in the Bronx lately—your people?"
The woman's eyes flicked nervously to his elbow. "Y-yes! A few weeks ago, Faize—he's the dhampir boss—lifted the old rules. Said we could hunt openly. That's why we started grabbing people."
[Mission Complete: Investigate Missing Persons]
[Rewards: 500 EXP, S.H.I.E.L.D. Reputation +10, Equipment "Nichirin Blade" unlocked]
[Nichirin Blade: Forged from sunlight-absorbing ore. Instant death to anything that fears the sun.]
[Skip NPC dialogue and proceed to next quest? Y/N]
Daniel didn't even hesitate. "Skip."
[Nick Fury has issued new emergency mission]
[Ghost-Sweeping Operation]
[Kill as many vampires in New York as possible within 7 days]
[Reward scales with body count]
He asked a few more questions; the redhead answered instantly, still traumatized by the elbow that had briefly introduced her spine to her esophagus.
Daniel raised one finger. "Last question. Answer right and I let you walk."
Hope flared in her crimson eyes. "Anything!"
"Prove Goldbach's Conjecture."
"..."
A minute later, Daniel stepped out of the restroom alone, wiping a few stray drops of blood off his sleeve.
Turns out vampires will do anything to survive.
Except math.
He glanced at the weapon that had just materialized in his inventory.
"System, are you sure this is a Nichirin Blade and not something I stole from a fruit stand?"
[Nichirin Blade appearance adapts to the wielder's personality.]
Daniel stared at the shiny, slightly curved, bright red watermelon knife in his hand.
"...So this is your official psychological evaluation of me?"
Before the system could answer, a scream ripped through the bar.
On the dance floor, a vampire tackled a clubber, fangs sinking deep. Blood sprayed like cheap champagne.
Then another. And another.
Like someone flipped a switch, dozens of vampires dropped the glamour and lunged at the crowd.
In seconds the place turned into an all-you-can-eat buffet. Bodies hit the floor, shriveling into dry husks as blood painted the walls.
Someone panicked and hit the DJ lights. A lone spotlight snapped onto Daniel, turning him into the only lit target in the room.
Fifty pairs of glowing red eyes locked on him at once.
Daniel waved awkwardly. "Uh… enjoy your meal, guys?"
The vampires hissed, fanning out in a hungry circle.
Daniel rolled his shoulder and hefted the watermelon knife.
"Just a friendly reminder: working out right after eating can cause cramps."
They charged.
The closest one reached him first, jaws wide.
Swish—
A single lazy slash.
A thin red line appeared across the vampire's neck. For half a second nothing happened.
Then its head slid off, body flash-burning into gray ash that scattered like cheap confetti.
Daniel rested the knife on his shoulder and whistled.
"Eco-friendly death animation. I respect it."
The rest of the horde froze, staring at the empty air where their buddy used to be.
One vampire looked at the weapon, then at Daniel, then back at the weapon.
"...Is that seriously a goddamn watermelon knife?"