We ate dinner while watching more Tales of Devils and Deities. There was over 30 hours of content, there was no way we were going to be able to watch all of it in one sitting.
Around 11:00 we had to call it a day. Xue Qing was nodding off and I was starting to mentally check out.
Xue Qing had 12 body guards, coincidentally I had 12 guest rooms. Xue Qing decided to sleep in the upstairs extra bedroom.
I noticed something interesting while everyone was deciding where to sleep. Every bedroom had a door with a lock except for the master bedroom, my bedroom. You could walk from the entrance to my bed without opening a single door.
I thought that was mildly concerning, but with so many body guards I don't think I have anything to worry about.
The body guards would be working in shifts throughout the night, so it was good that they had their own rooms. It was also good that they were removed from us so we wouldn't be disturbed.
We got ready for bed and Xue Qing retired to her room.
I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling for a while until around midnight when I decided to get up. I grabbed my phone off of the charger and walked to the living room.
I looked out over the outer courtyard at the still overgrown foliage, then I looked at my phone and pulled up Layla's contact information.
It had been a while since we had spoken, the only contact we had was the phone call when I first got here. As well as the occasional text message that would go unanswered for a few hours.
I am really bad at texting, so that certainly doesn't help. But, the main problem is the time difference and the uncertainty of possibly interrupting their sleep for a chat. Because as much as I want to talk I wouldn't want to wake her up to do it.
But now it was the middle of the night for me so I could try calling now since it would be the day back home.
I clicked call and waited. The call didn't go through, it rang the full time, then went to voice mail.
I decided to leave a voicemail.
I said, "Hey Layla, I thought about you a lot today and just wanted to hear your voice. Anyway, I also wanted to check in and see if everything was alright. I haven't done a good job of staying in touch. Well, I don't want to ramble on too much so just let me know how you are doing and I miss you. See ya."
I ended the voice mail and started looking out the window again.
Then I heard a voice, "You really do care about her, don't you."
I looked back and saw Xue Qing standing there.
I waited a moment to think then said, "I think so? I have never been in a relationship, so I don't even know how that would go. Would I get bored, would we have fights, would we try to make up?
I have more questions than answers. We get along, we are attracted to each other, I feel something for her. Like protective, and or a little possessive.
Since I have never had my real feelings reciprocated, I don't know how I would feel, or even what I would do?
I like to think that a warm happy family would be the result. But, honestly? I get scared, will I ever feel burnt out from that? Will I ever wish that I could just run away and be by myself? I don't know.
I have been alone so long that it feels comfortable. I'm scared to leave that comfort. Especially if a life then depends on me to survive. It's a lot of pressure and I have never really had to support myself against the world.
I have always had a support system to help. But it has also limited my growth and independence.
So, how will I support a family, when I barely even feel like an adult."
"I think it's normal to think that way. Even I say that I want a warm, happy family. But having a child? The pain and complications that come with that? Plus with bringing them into a world where I know just how bad it is?
There are plenty of things to worry about. And not feeling like an adult? I would say most people never realize that they have grown up. Or if they do, it is a random thought they have one day while saying something their parents said, and now they are saying it to their kid.
It's normal to worry. Just don't live in fear of the worries or you won't have lived. I'm only just figuring that out. Because here? I don't have the usual worries, and I don't want to get them back.
So, I have been struggling to find a way to get rid of them. Even if I'm dead tired, I'm still struggling. Because giving up is the worst thing you can do."
"Ha, you might have a job in motivational speaking."
"If it works it works."
"Yeah, what are you doing up? I thought you already went to sleep."
"Well, I was just awake thinking, then you walked past the door. I got curious, so I got up."
"Ah. Right, sorry about that."
"Don't be. I said I was awake anyway right?"
"Yeah. And you were thinking about how to get your family off your back?"
"Yep, they have all kinds of spies placed around me. I have managed to keep them in the dark about my own business, but the family business I manage is riddled with them."
"Family business… Huh. Now that I think about it, I don't think I ever heard what conditions they were offering. I know what you offered but not what your family offered."
"Ah… You noticed that huh?"