The thought suddenly crossed my mind.
Why am I living like this?
I opened the window. Immediately, the chilled wind relentlessly struck my cheeks. It was cold enough to make my thoughts from just yesterday—complaining about the heat and wondering when autumn would ever arrive—feel meaningless.
Then, tears suddenly welled up.
"Be-Bell. Why are you crying?"
Katie, who was diligently wiping the window frame beside me, asked in surprise. I wiped the traces of tears from my cheeks with my sleeve and answered her.
"Because the day has turned cold."
"...Huh? What do you mean?"
Instead of answering, I let the wind seeping through the window wash over me completely.
The turning of the weather meant the passing of time. And the flow of time meant that I would soon die.
That's right. I was going to die in three months.
Well. To be honest, I had never thought deeply about death.
There were many moments when I wanted to die, but I don't think I ever truly intended to. I didn't have the courage to kill myself, nor was I sure that death would bring happiness.
But now, I am told I will die in three months.
Die.
"...."
The moment I recalled that ominous word, I inadvertently let go of the broom I was holding.
Clatter.
The sound of the broom hitting the wooden floor rang through the room. Then, his gaze—the owner of this room, no, the owner of this mansion and my master—fell upon me.
"...Are you crying?"
He spoke as if surprised. It was the first time he had ever spoken to me.
It seems that the thought of 'dying' was not enough to make me drop my broom, but sufficient to make me shed tears as well. Why are tears so uncontrollable and willful?
I looked at him with tear-stained eyes. He still wore a puzzled expression.
"...."
A heavy silence hovered between us. I was the one who broke it.
"Arwin Asta."
I called his name quietly. I thought I must be the first maid to ever call her master by his full name.
"...."
Arwin's eyes widened slightly in surprise as he looked at me.
It didn't matter if he thought I was insolent for calling his name. It didn't matter if he killed me for that insolence.
I was going to die anyway.
It felt like tears were about to flow again. By the time I realized it, they were already streaming down. I left the meaningless tears to fall as they pleased and spoke to him.
"Will you sleep with me?"
Since I was dying anyway, I wanted to have him, even if just for one night.
Arwin Asta. I repeated the name of the man who gave no answer.
He was a man of great renown as the head of the Asta Marquisate, despite being barely twenty years of age.
First of all, he possessed incredibly beautiful looks. Pale, transparent skin, black hair, and obsidian eyes that were even darker than his hair. A face one could never forget once seen.
I wasn't the only one who thought so; it was a general sentiment shared by everyone.
I had been harboring a one-sided love for him for several years.
It was my first love, and now, it could be my last. Because I am scheduled to die in three months.
Furthermore, Arwin was a static man. I am not just talking about his serene appearance.
I had worked as his maid in the Marquis's residence for two years, but I had never seen him laugh properly.
I think I saw him give a faint smile once or twice, but it always ended as just a smile; it never became laughter with sound.
Arwin looked like a person who had forgotten how to laugh. Did he forget? Or did he lose it?
Fitting his appearance and character, he did not keep women close. Despite his handsome looks and substantial power, he never brought female nobles into the mansion.
They say a certain Duke picks and devours his maids like plucking grapes, but Arwin did not lay a hand even on his own maids.
So rumors circulated that he might be homosexual or asexual, but I didn't believe them.
I was convinced Arwin liked women. Because I knew his sharp, black eyes occasionally flashed like a beast's, lingering on the maids' bosoms.
It might have been just the instinctive gaze of a man. But the important thing was that the instinct to like women existed within him. I was just thankful he wasn't homosexual or asexual.
Arwin remained silent for a while at my absurd proposal. I grabbed the broom that had fallen on the floor again and stared at him.
In truth, I couldn't predict what answer would fall from his lips at all. He might truly kill me. Or if not that, he might fire me immediately.
But I was ready to humbly accept whatever answer came back. After all, no words could be more shocking than the news that I would die in three months.
Only after waiting for quite a long time did his pretty lips distort slightly to sketch out words.
How could even his lips be that pretty?
"...Tonight. Come to my room."
He spoke indifferently. As if he wouldn't attach any meaning to the words telling me to come to his room tonight.
His gaze, which had briefly touched me, moved back to his documents. There was absolutely no expression on his face.
"...."
What is this? I'm better at this than I thought.
I didn't speak to him anymore. Instead, I started sweeping the wooden floor with the broom as usual.
I swept calmly, but in reality, my heart rate was not normal. My heart, which would soon extinguish, was beating violently. It seemed to be trying to prove the fact that I was still alive.
I took a short breath and thought. Spending tonight with Arwin.
Arwin probably couldn't even guess, but I had actually imagined making love with him countless times.
His long, white hands undoing my clothes, his pretty lips biting and licking my body, his breath hovering intact over my chest, and his languid eyes, which I had never seen before, looking down at me.
Even the image of him trembling as he reached an unbearable climax.
I had imagined it so much that I almost wondered if I had actually done such things with him. Then, I dropped the broom again.
Clatter.
The thing that had stopped at imagination might soon become reality. I couldn't quite believe it, so strength left my grip.
The dry sound rang through the quiet surroundings, and Arwin, who was looking at the documents, looked at me again.
"Crying again?"
Ah, tears must have fallen again without me knowing.
But this time, they weren't meaningless tears shed over the fact that I would die soon. Just this once, they were meaningful tears.
I gave a faint smile and answered him.
"Because I'm happy."
I stared at him. Arwin was also staring intently at me. It seemed to be the first time our eyes had met for such a long time.
His gaze remained fixed on me and didn't turn elsewhere. What is Arwin thinking?
Soon, his pretty lips parted. Somehow, it seemed there was a small sigh mixed in his words.
"...If there is something you want from me...."
I cut him off and spoke first.
"No. I don't want anything. I will make sure to use contraception if you wish. I just want one night with you."
"...."
"Just one single night."
I didn't want to create a situation uncomfortable for both of us by accidentally conceiving his child from a one-night tryst. I was a body that would die in three months, and that fact would be a tragedy for the child as well.
The moment it was conceived within me, it would perish without ever seeing the light of the world.
For a brief moment, I imagined his child wiggling inside my womb.
I thought it would be nice if it were a boy resembling Arwin. A face cuter than anyone in the world, but with eyes just like Arwin's—looking indifferent. How lovely that would be.
It was the first time in my life I had imagined the child of the man I loved. It was quite a unique and ecstatic imagination. Enough that I wanted to imagine it again and again before I died.
Even while I was lost in this ecstatic imagination, no answer returned from Arwin.
Maybe he was truly angry now. Since I had rudely cut off my master's words. A truly angry him might really kill me.
But I didn't care either way. Since I had managed to have a conversation with Arwin before dying, didn't that mean I had some skill after all?
Arwin, who had been looking at me for a long time, answered by turning his eyes back to the documents.
It seems he liked my words.
I washed my body with expensive scented oil for the first time in a long while.
It was something I never used unless there was a big event. As proof, a thin layer of dust had settled on the rim of the glass bottle.
When did I last use this?
No memory came to mind immediately. It was clear I had used it in a very distant past that I couldn't even remember.
It belonged to the expensive category among the things I owned, but it was sad that it was the item furthest from me. And the fact that I only had three months left to use this oil felt even more regrettable.
The saying that saving it would be futile hovered in my head. Everything would end once I died. Now, I wouldn't spare anything. Whether it be objects or my body.
It was a body that would return to the soil in three months anyway. I only regretted the fact that I hadn't properly felt the warmth of another person for eighteen years.
Soon, it became midnight. It was the time for everyone to be embraced by the soft silence of the night.
But tonight, instead of being embraced by the night, I chose to be embraced by a man. And by him, whom I had liked for two years, no less.
Dressed in simple attire, I walked to his room holding a small lantern. I didn't encounter anyone while passing through the corridor.
Knock, knock.
I knocked a couple of times, but there was no response from inside. However, I didn't mind and stepped inside. After all, our meeting was a promised one.
The room was terribly dark. Except for the moonlight seeping through the window, no particles of light were visible at all.
I turned my gaze to look for him. His figure was found quickly. Because light was emanating from him as he sat on the bed.
My goodness, does this man shine alone even in the dark?
Maybe he used a glowing scented oil. Unless it was that, it was a halo that couldn't be explained.
I placed the lantern I had brought on the table. Since his existence itself was shining, there was no need for a lantern.
Biting my dry lips, I walked closer to him. The more steps I took, the faster my heart beat. Is it a trembling heart because what I always dreamed of is becoming reality?
Suddenly, the day I first met him, the day I fell in love at first sight, briefly came to mind.
I couldn't know why that memory surfaced, but that day was a special day for me. A memory that would never be erased from my mind.
How does Arwin remember that day? No, does he even remember it?
As I approached the edge of the bed, Arwin looked up at me blankly. He gestured with his head for me to sit on the bed. I sat beside him and looked at Arwin's sharp profile.
His face soon turned toward me, and his gaze touched me.
"Name?"