Another year later.
Suspicions about mother still don't let go. That's why for a year now secretly from everyone I buy pregnancy pills, grind them into powder and sprinkle into the mix she makes her fitness cocktails from. Yes, maybe I'm horrible—but better that than getting a headache out of nowhere. True before that had to search the city for a pharmacy that would sell me these pills. And main thing not near home, true the look the pharmacist gave an 8-year-old kid asking for pregnancy pills was… a lot in it overall. And the phrase, it's not for me—it's for a friend… better I hadn't said that in the first pharmacy. Got nervous, what can you do.
But forget that shameful moment, and back to searching for magic—disappointed in yoga, I remembered I'm among Asians! Meaning all this acupuncture and body points crap should be popular here. And here I approached the process with full preparation and didn't start immediately—want to learn acupuncture. First for two months went to massage lessons, hands got fucking tired. Seems 5-10 minutes kneading someone's body is nothing, but already by the second you feel fatigue like from pull-ups. Alas for this I had to pay extra at home too, giving massages—well of course, if you're a masseur then practice. Ordinary home tyranny and abuse of power—what can you do.
After I started searching for books on all sorts of points and such—no luck. Had to convince parents for about a week to sign me up for "needles in body" courses. In half a year of these courses I drew a bunch of body diagrams with points, learned to stick needles where needed and even tried it on myself. By feeling… well for amateurs. Didn't help in comprehending magic and some inner reserves at all. But now I can help myself when I sit on my leg—already not useless knowledge.
And words can't convey through what pain and humiliation I went… Just went through. I'm talking about my life in this world in general. If I sum up my 10-year existence in a Japanese anime—skipped a couple grades in school, don't consider that an achievement.
Poorly learned Japanese and English—had no choice anyway, mandatory lessons. But somehow legalized knowledge of Russian, and now can boast knowing 3 languages. Well, that's exactly an achievement! In the library there was also a Chinese-Japanese phrasebook, but didn't dare dive into that abyss.
Also I have no friends, and no childhood friends either—many reasons, but main one I put that I didn't see beautiful or even just cute girls. And maybe also because I'm social phobic? Is that what it's called? Mmm, seems not… okay won't throw around smart words I poorly understand—I'm unsociable in general. And also I discovered a terrible truth—apparently there's no magic in me. You could say I'm a local Squib, though more like a Muggle.
Why do I use terms from Harry Potter? Blame my notebook where I wrote everything I remembered about the world and what I remembered about that fanfic with El? Fon? Melorn? Mmm, sure only of the surname because it sounds like the sacred elf tree and possibly in the first sounds of the name El—also gives something airy and elvish, but doubt that's his full name.
What the connecting preposition "von" means—I won't even guess. But all sorts of aristocrats love adding such connecting prepositions, possibly a status display like count? He even added a number at the end showing what generation his is big. But I don't remember anymore, and doesn't matter.
Important is what I remembered! He often talked about the Mage's Association and Clock Tower. As you can guess all that was in England and in the main Clock Tower of London, possibly some local monument or landmark, doesn't matter. Of course I doubt it was the only gathering and study place, more like the main branch, and to me it's like a minimal-Hogwarts. Meaning they somehow find students! Don't believe only hereditary magi there, in the fanfic first-generation magi were often mentioned and how he suffers being all lofty aristocrat turned simple pleb. And that seems plausible to me!
And also remembered about local magic—there are some magical circuits and seems everyone has them! In acupuncture lessons nothing about that, and just poking needles in the arm to find them… okay I did that, came to the conclusion it's more an energetic rather than physical structure. And yes, closest analogy again from HP is the magic wand, only circuits come short, thick and something with conductivity… again exaltation of hereditary magi and praise of aristocracy.
But not about that, besides circuits there was some source of magic, and it exactly determines whether you'll be a mage or not. Meaning the entire planet's population is either mages—or Squibs! No third option. Or Muggles, not Squibs, but definition doesn't matter! There is or isn't!
What am I getting at? If we take analogy from HP again—potential mages must somehow be found and the banal way comes to mind—magical outburst! Childish. And here I enter the stage—either I'm a complete unique, or I have no infamous magic core. Why unique? Already 6 years of meditations and self-control show results, in emotional impenetrability I can give odds to any oak—if I were in the Star Wars world, I'd be the reference Jedi.
Eh, but ordinary kids gush emotions over the edge, get angry, happy, rage. In all sorts of anime and fanfics bright emotions often acted as magic amplifiers! But I have none, in my mind I can still swear like a sailor, but real anger or rage even in such situations I don't have.
Yesterday deciding to test the theory went to the most abandoned and deserted part of the park, took a stick and tried to invoke anger or rage while beating a bush with the stick. As a result, at minute 1 I felt light fatigue and meaninglessness of existence. And at 2 too. At 3 light annoyance from failure flashed. Strained a couple more minutes, but all I achieved was realization of wasted time and that maybe something's wrong with me.
Thought flashed about all sorts of chemicals, inject adrenaline for example—but admitted most likely won't help. And even if I break into a pharmacy or hospital at night and find it, I don't know the dose for a 10-year-old body—and death at 10 from heart attack clearly pulls for a Darwin Award.
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