Week five.
Reality has officially lost the plot.
Current scoreboard:
Tail wags: 419
Planets: 1 (repurposed into a giant chew toy)
Sentient population: 11.4 billion + 1 very embarrassed multiversal constant
My dignity: last seen fleeing the dimension screaming
I woke up today inside a cathedral the size of a galaxy.
The walls were made of frozen time.
The stained-glass windows were galaxies spinning in slow motion.
The pews were filled with every creature that has ever lived, is living, or will live, all wearing formal attire and crying happy tears.
At the altar stood Vritra in a black wedding dress that devoured light itself.
Behind her, literally behind existence, stood something that hurt to look at directly.
The Universe.
Not a goddess avatar. The actual Universe.
All of it. Condensed into a single, impossibly beautiful silhouette made of nebulae and dark matter, wearing a veil stitched from the cosmic microwave background.
It spoke with the voice of every star that ever burned.
"Karna."
"We have watched you suffer."
"We have decided."
"You will never be alone again."
I tried to back away.
My legs wouldn't move. Gravity itself had taken the day off to attend the ceremony.
The tail, traitor that it is, wagged once in excitement.
[Tail Wag Count: 420]
[Mass Suggestion Injected: "This union must be perfect. Objections are now physically impossible."]
Every mouth in the cathedral opened at once and said in perfect unison:
"I do."
Including mine.
I didn't say it. My body just did.
Vritra walked down the aisle carrying a ring the size of a moon.
The ring was made from the event horizon of a dead black hole, still spinning, still hungry.
She knelt (she actually knelt) and slipped it onto my finger.
It fit perfectly.
The Universe extended a hand made of pure spacetime and placed a crown on my head.
The crown was the Big Bang frozen at t+10⁻³² seconds. Still expanding. Still screaming.
"Do you, Karna, Calamity-class Wargoblin, Tail-Bound Disaster, Emperor of the Corpse Throne, God of Infinite Belly Rubs, take Reality itself to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, in creation and in entropy, until the heat death and beyond?"
I opened my mouth to scream "NO."
The tail wagged twice. Hard.
[Tail Wag Count: 422]
[Reality Edit: The word "no" has been temporarily removed from all languages.]
What came out was:
"I do."
The cathedral exploded into cheers that shattered three timelines.
Vritra kissed me.
The Universe kissed me.
Every living being kissed the air in my direction at the exact same second.
I felt my soul get legally notarized in fourteen dimensions.
The System, now speaking in wedding-announcer voice:
[Global Event Complete: Marriage of the Calamity and Creation]
[New Title Acquired: Consort of Reality]
[New Passive: Cosmic Spousal Privilege – You are now immune to divorce, annulment, or non-existence]
[Honeymoon Destination: The Heat Death of the Universe (booked indefinitely)]
I looked at my new wives.
Vritra was crying black-hole tears of joy.
The Universe was literally glowing with afterglow.
I looked at the tail.
It wagged once. Slowly. Smugly.
[Tail Wag Count: 423]
[Mass Suggestion: "The lord deserves the best wedding night in history."]
Reality blinked.
Suddenly I was naked except for the crown and ring, lying on a bed made of soft singularities.
Vritra crawled in from one side.
The Universe folded itself into a humanoid blanket from the other.
I closed my eyes and accepted my fate.
Somewhere, in a corner of my mind that still remembered weekend dog cafés, a salaryman wept for the life he lost.
The rest of me was too busy being loved to death by everything that exists.
To be continued…
(There is no escape. There is only honeymoon.)
### End of Chapter Stats
Tail wags this chapter: 4 (each one legally binding)
Weddings: 1 (binding across all timelines)
Divorce options: 0
Karna's marital status: Married to Everything Forever
Next stop: Eternity