Week four as the unwilling final boss of reality.
Current scoreboard:
Tail wags: 412 (I stopped counting properly after 400)
Continents: 0.7 (the last one is basically a floating dog park now)
Living beings: 11.4 billion (all asleep, all dreaming the same dream of rubbing my belly in perfect 8K)
Gods left alive: negative 3 (Michaelus died twice and came back as a coffee table)
I decided to end it.
Properly this time. No half-measures.
I stood on the highest spire of the Corpse Citadel, golden oceans glittering below, paw-print constellations winking overhead like the universe was flirting with me.
In my hand: the only weapon that can kill a Calamity-class entity.
A dagger forged from the Concept of Rejection itself.
Vritra had it made for me as a joke gift two days ago.
She didn't think I'd actually use it.
I raised the blade to my throat.
Tail sensed danger.
It froze.
For one beautiful second the world held its breath.
I whispered, "Finally."
And stabbed.
The dagger shattered against my neck like glass hitting diamond.
[System Alert – Red Text, Screaming Font]
[Error: Entity designated "Karna" is now classified as Omniversal Protected Species]
[Self-harm prohibited by 11.4 billion sentient wills + the collective unconscious of all reality]
[Attempt logged as "cute but misguided"]
The broken dagger pieces reformed in mid-air into a squeaky toy shaped like a bone.
The tail wagged once in relief.
[Tail Wag Count: 413]
[Mass Suggestion Injected: "Our lord was just playing! Protect him harder!"]
Every sleeping being on the planet woke up at once and screamed in unison:
"NOOOOOOOO OUR BABY TRIED TO HURT HIMSELF!"
Within seconds the sky filled with dragons, angels, demons, liches, and one very confused kraken—all flying toward me at Mach 20, tears streaming.
Vritra teleported directly in front of me, grabbed my shoulders hard enough to powder mountains, and shook me like a misbehaving toddler.
"MY LORD WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!"
"I was thinking maybe death is quieter than this bullshit."
She actually started crying.
Vritra. The woman who once made a sun go supernova because it looked at her funny.
Crying.
The tail wagged again because it thought the crying was adorable.
[Tail Wag Count: 414]
[Global Effect: Every creature experiences the uncontrollable urge to hug me until further notice]
Eleven billion bodies teleported in, formed a sphere thirty kilometers wide around the citadel, and began the largest group hug in history.
I was in the middle.
Crushed by love.
Literally.
My bones creaked.
Vision went dark.
For one sweet moment I thought, "This is it. Death by cuddling. Acceptable."
Then the System pinged again.
[Achievement Unlocked: Died of Love (Revived Instantly Because Reality Refuses)]
[New Title: The Unkillable Lap Dog of Creation]
[Passive Gained: Existential Plot Armor – Thickness: Absolute]
I came back gasping.
Still being hugged.
Still alive.
Still doomed.
Vritra's face was buried in my shoulder, wings wrapped around me like a straightjacket made of nightmares and affection.
She whispered, voice cracking:
"If you ever try that again… I will destroy every concept of death so thoroughly that even oblivion will fear to touch you."
I believed her.
The tail wagged slowly—almost gently this time.
[Tail Wag Count: 415]
[Mass Suggestion: "Our lord must never be sad again. Happiness is now mandatory."]
Across the planet, every creature suddenly felt the happiest they'd ever been in their lives.
Suicide rates hit negative numbers.
Depression was literally erased from existence.
I looked out over the golden sea of smiling faces all staring at me with pure, uncomplicated joy.
I felt something break inside that wasn't physical.
I spoke. Voice small.
"I just wanted to pet dogs on weekends."
Vritra stroked my ears like I was the most fragile thing in the multiverse.
"You can pet all of us, my lord.
Forever."
The tail wagged in agreement.
I closed my eyes.
Somewhere in the void, the shattered remains of the Concept of Rejection reformed into a collar.
It floated down gently and clicked itself around my neck.
Engraved on the tag:
Property of Reality
If found sad, return immediately for emergency belly rubs.
I didn't even try to take it off.
It wouldn't let me.
To be continued
### End of Chapter Stats
Tail wags this chapter: 3 (each more expensive than the last)
Suicide attempts: 1 (failure rate: 100%)
Concepts of death destroyed: 1
Karna's will to live: −47 and falling
Reality's clinginess level: Yandere God
C