In the end, Kevin Goldsmith still chose to drink the joke tea that was guaranteed to make him laugh out loud—because he discovered that this seemingly childish novelty possessed astonishing power.
Experiment 1: What happens if you drink the joke tea and stay still?
A newsboy hurried past, shouting, "Ministry of Magic's latest statement: Scottish independence demands are a serious violation of the law!"Kevin immediately sprayed bright green tea everywhere, wondering if his sense of humour was simply too low; every time he heard the word law, he felt a wild urge to laugh.
Experiment 2: What happens if you try your absolute hardest not to smile while drinking joke tea?
Kevin marched solemnly through the street, sipping his ridiculous drink and reminding himself he would not laugh, even if four turtles crawled out of a sewer to race a blue hedgehog. Then he saw Flourish and Blotts' new advertisement:"Why did the Dark Lord remain unmarried his entire life? The shocking truth awaits you in 'From Afar, Burying Flowers for You' — Daily Prophet, Rita Skeeter."Tea blasted from his nose; he was truly stunned.
Conclusion: This drink did not induce laughter by caffeine or chemicals—it warped reality through the drinker's sense of humour. If one could find a spell to temporarily alter that sense, then one could set a single idea as the funniest thing in the world—such as "becoming king of the world"—and then simply drink a can of joke tea.
The road to world domination felt far too short and far too smooth. It was only his first day since transmigrating, and he already seemed to be living up to the expectations of every transmigrator before him. Yet conquering the world through a beverage felt somewhat undignified. And at five Knuts a can—why had no one else realised its potential?
Kevin spent all his pocket money buying joke tea and stored the cans in his dimensional belt. He felt he had taken a major step toward tyranny.
When he happily reported to Professor McGonagall that he had gathered all his school supplies, she shot him a wary look.
"I hope you won't use those prank items on your classmates."
"Prank? I only bought a few drinks. (And planned to use them to take over the world.) Professor McGonagall, what sort of children do you usually teach?"
"Weasleys—two of them," she said, with the tone of someone recounting ancient mischief that still haunted her.
Professor McGonagall brought him to platforms Nine and Ten at King's Cross. They slipped through the wall, and a crimson steam locomotive billowed smoke over the bustling platform. A sign on the train read:Hogwarts Express — 11:00
"All right, child, board the train. We'll meet again at the castle." She gave a small wave of her wand and vanished.
Compared with Apparition, trains seemed far more civilised.
Kevin chose an empty compartment and dropped heavily onto a seat. He began imagining different spell combinations that might alter someone's sense of humour.
A few minutes later, a round-faced boy poked his head in. "Have you seen my toad? He keeps running away!"
"I haven't," Kevin said, "but if you give me a moment, I can find him. Describe your pet."
Though confused, the boy described Trevor as best he could. Kevin used a simple object-location technique and immediately sensed everything within sixty feet.
"One carriage ahead, under the third bench on the left."
"Thank you!" the boy said in relief. "I don't know even the simplest spells yet. My name's Neville."
"Think nothing of it. Toads are a wise choice—good magical companions. (They usually give at least three extra health points, though in this world it might translate into a herbalism bonus.) And you'll learn plenty of spells soon." Kevin used the same encouraging tone he used on teammates in games.
Neville beamed and hurried off.
"You went too far teasing Neville like that," a voice snapped.
Kevin turned. A girl with thick, curly brown hair and sharp brown eyes glared at him. A familiar face—Hermione Granger. For a moment he had worried he might meet a different version of her, but the sight eased him.
"What do you mean? I helped him."
"Liar. You can't even use a wand," she said, chin raised.
"Not every sorcerer needs a wand. Watch. Something from nothing."Kevin retrieved a bright-green can from his belt, intending to test the joke tea on someone else. He offered it to her. "Care for a drink? I'm Kevin Goldsmith."
Hermione blinked and accepted it. She was secretly afraid she would be the worst student in her year. "Thank you. I'm Hermione Granger," she said, opening the can. "I've practiced simple spells at home—they all worked. But wandless magic? At our age? My parents aren't magical, and yours must have hired plenty of tutors."
As she lifted the drink to her lips, Kevin said casually, "I want you to help me take control of this world."
Hermione choked. Coughing violently, she sprayed bright green liquid from her nose.