On another Universe-
There were many things the Seven were prepared for: photo ops, staged rescues, lawsuits, even the occasional actual villain encounter that hadn't been pre-approved by Vought Legal. But nothing—absolutely nothing—prepared them for Corporate Team-Building Simulation Day.
Ashley, vibrating with a cocktail of fear and caffeine, led the group into a shining tech demo room filled with sleek VR pods.
"Okay everyone," she said, voice cracking like a stressed glow stick. "Today you'll be testing Vought's new immersive real‑combat simulator! Totally safe! Mostly safe. Pretty safe."
Homelander smiled with all the warmth of a malfunctioning microwave. "Ashley. Sweetheart. Why do we need training? We're the Seven. America's protectors. Living gods."
Behind him, A‑Train coughed. "Some of us are running a bit slow these days."
"You slammed into a cameraman last week," Starlight muttered.
"It was dark!" A‑Train protested.
"It was noon," she replied.
Ashley cleared her throat. "Anyway! The simulator is modeled after a… very, very popular franchise. It's gritty. Violent. Marketable. The dev team said it'll challenge you in unique ways. You'll join in a random location in the game."
Homelander flicked his cape. "Please. Let's get this over with."
**************
Bombed‑out rubble. Burning skies. Giant Gothic buildings as OSHA‑noncompliant as possible.
"This looks like Chicago," A‑Train whispered.
Queen Maeve frowned. "No, Chicago has better infrastructure."
A booming voice echoed over the ruined landscape.
ENEMY FACTION: ADEPTUS ASTARTES.
Soldier Boy appeared at the back of the formation, looking around. "What the hell kind of Boy Scout jamboree is this?"
Homelander laughed. "Adeptus a what-now? Doesn't matter. They're not real. And I'm basically invincible."
The universe heard his confidence and responded with a humongous, earth‑shaking THUD.
**************
From the smoke marched ten warriors, each nine feet tall, each weighing about as much as Maeve plus a school bus, and armored like angry gods.
Their helmets glowed.
Their pauldrons were the size of A‑Train's ego.
Their bolters looked like they fired small nuclear devices.
A‑Train's jaw dropped. "Those dudes look like they bench-press aircraft carriers."
"I dated one of those," Maeve said.
"You absolutely did not," Starlight whispered.
One of the Space Marines stepped forward. His voice sounded like gravel getting promoted to middle management.
"HERETICS. PURGE AUTHORIZED."
Starlight whispered, "Do they think we're… chaos cultists?"
Homelander puffed out his chest. "Listen here, big guy. This is a misunderstanding. I'm Homelander. Capital H. America's Number O—"
A bolter round the size of a soda can hit him square in the chest.
Homelander flew back twenty feet, slammed into a spire, and left a Homelander-shaped dent.
A hush fell.
A‑Train blinked. "Did… did he just get shot?"
Maeve leaned down. "Oh my God. He's bleeding."
Homelander looked at his fingers in horror. "They hurt me. They hurt me. I can't feel my ribs."
He swallowed.
He sweated.
He bled!
No one had ever seen Homelander sweat or BLEED!
"We are so dead," Starlight whispered.
**************
A‑Train tried to rush forward, vibrating with speed.
A Space Marine casually swung the flat of his chainsword.
A‑Train bounced off it like a Nerf ball hurled at a brick wall, spiraled into the air, and landed face‑first in ash.
"Tell my wife… and kids…" he gasped.
"You don't have kids... or a wife" Starlight said.
"Then who was that family in my dreams‽" he wheezed.
Queen Maeve charged with a battle cry.
A marine simply picked her up by the head and used her to smash another marine's pauldrons like two action figures having an argument.
Even Soldier Boy got flattened. "What are these things…‽ They fight like angry bulldogs with PTSD!"
**************
They reappeared in an area nearby.
Homelander staggered to his feet.
"Okay," he huffed. "They got lucky. I wasn't warmed up."
Maeve raised an eyebrow. "You weren't warmed up? They used you like a medieval door knocker."
A‑Train nodded. "Yeah, man, I think your spine had a loading screen."
Starlight sighed. "Can we just work together this time?"
Homelander ignored her. "Round two. I'm killing one of them. Just one. That's all I need."
**************
The marines marched forward.
Homelander flew upward, lasers blazing from his eyes.
The beams just reflected off the marine's ceramite armor and set a nearby ruin on fire.
"WEAK CULTIST!" the marine boomed.
Homelander shrieked, "I AM NOT WEAK!"
He dove.
The marine punched him mid-air.
Homelander flew into the stratosphere.
He did not come back immediately.
A‑Train tried again.
This time a marine threw a frag grenade at the ground.
A‑Train stepped on it.
The explosion was so comically large the simulator displayed a pop‑up:
YOU HAVE BEEN REMOVED FROM THE GENE POOL.
Starlight managed to blast one Marine in the face.
He didn't die.
He didn't flinch.
He didn't even blink.
He simply said, "HERETIC WITCH!" then punted her through three walls.
**************
The Seven regrouped, broken, bruised, and barely clinging to dignity.
Starlight brushed dust off her suit. "Okay, look. We can't beat them. We're not supposed to beat them."
Maeve: "They're literal super‑soldiers built for endless war."
A‑Train: "I respect them. I think I want one to be my personal trainer."
Homelander sat in the corner, knees to chest, rocking slightly. "This is impossible. I'm supposed to win. I ALWAYS win. ALWAYS!"
Queen Maeve sighed. "Homelander, you just got suplexed by a guy who weighs as much as a cathedral."
Soldier Boy grunted. "I knew the Army had some tough SOBs, but holy hell."
Starlight stepped forward. "We need a plan."
A‑Train raised a finger. "Run away?"
Maeve: "Not an option."
A‑Train: "Play dead?"
Maeve: "They'll still shoot you."
Homelander stood up suddenly. "I'll talk to them."
Everyone stared.
"You can't reason with Space Marines," Maeve said. "They think emotions are a heresy."
Homelander flipped his cape. "Watch me."
************
Homelander walked forward, hands up.
"Gentlemen," he said, voice oily. "We're all warriors here. Surely we can come to some—"
A marine lifted his bolter.
"HERETIC. CLEANSE."
BLAM.
Homelander respawned mid-sentence.
"—agree—WAIT WHAT THE—"
SPLAT.
************
He clutched his chest again.
"I'm sweating," he whispered. "Why am I sweating so much?"
A‑Train patted his shoulder. "Welcome to cardio, bro."
The marines advanced.
Homelander held up a hand.
"Okay," he said, voice trembling. "Okay. You win. You're stronger. You're… better."
One Marine leaned close.
"CORRECT."
A‑Train nodded vigorously. "We good, big guy?"
The marine considered.
"HMMMM."
"NO!"
Then stomped them all into paste again.
___________________
Bro the author didn't update today. What am I gonna do‽
Today I found out about the ‽ interobang. Pretty neat