I woke up the next morning, but my body was feeling very weak. I was scared and anxious the whole day. I just hate it when I have unexpected anxiety attacks; they always pop up out of nowhere. I was in tourism class, but my mind was on Slavvy, who wasn't at school. Maybe he'll come later. I couldn't stop thinking about losing control of my breath again.
As I sat in class, my chest tightened, and I felt my heart pounding. I'm okay, just relax, everything is okay, I repeated to myself, trying to calm down. But my mind started thinking thoughts of death, and my heart was pounding. I wanted to call for help, but I remained silent. No, no, it's just anxiety; I'll be fine, I'll be fine, I said, trying to calm myself down.
"Mam, can I go to the bathroom?" I asked, lifting my hands up desperately, trying to hold back tears. "Okay," she agreed, and I quickly packed my stuff. My vision started to get blurry, and my head was really light. I made my way through the door while trying to calm down. I got inside the girls' bathroom and just cried, seating myself on the floor, feeling overwhelmed and alone.
Sometimes I pray about my anxiety, asking God to heal me, and I'll feel fine when I do. But within a day or two, I'll have worse anxiety and panic attacks. I'll think maybe it's because God is punishing me, maybe it's because I've sinned too much, and this is my consequence. Sometimes I'll ask myself, would I be worshiping God if I never got sick and had all these anxieties, anxiousness, and depression? We may say we're strong in front of people, but sometimes it's really hard to just suddenly run out of breath and have difficulty breathing while your mind is racing over death, death, death. Tears escaped my eyes. I hope that one day everything will be okay, but someday I feel like I won't be able to take it anymore. I'll be overwhelmed by emotions, and I'll fear when I know the truth, but I won't be able to control it. Maybe it isn't my fault after all.
I stayed in the bathroom for thirty minutes or more. I thought of my mother and how she would calm me down, and little by little, I felt better. I wish Slavvy was here; when he's here, I forget about my breathing problems, I forget everything, and I just feel happy. God, help me; I can't go on like this anymore. Why is it that those who diligently seek you are the ones most persecuted, and the ones who mock you are the ones who are the healthiest mentally and emotionally?
I took my bag back and waited for the bell to ring for the next class. Again, I forgot my swimming stuff, so I watched them swim. "I'm starting to feel like you can't swim," Haze said, approaching me, h ridiculously showing off. but he looked really fine "I forgot once again," I said, defending myself. "Oh, really?" he teased. "I'm a great swimmer," I nodded childishly, and he laughed.
"Your something else," he said, seating down next to me. "Anyway, thanks for helping me with Slavvy; I really didn't
know what else I was supposed to do."
"It's okay," I said, asking him where Slavvy was. "Where is he, by the way?" "Who?" "Your dad?" I said sarcastically, and he looked at me confused. "Slavvy, Slavvy, where is he?" I asked.
"Uhmmm, I don't know; he got an urgent phone call in the morning and left before the school bell rang," he said. Urgent call; I wonder who was calling. "Uhmmm, did he say where he was going?" I asked, feeling a little nervous for his answer. "Nope, Slavvy is always secretive about everything, you know." He confessed, and my smile faded. Secretive; I guess he hasn't told him about us, or maybe he has.
"Anyway, what are you with Slavvy so much that all he does is think of you, even when he's with his weird girlfriends?"
he said, not knowing the depths of how his words had hurt me. He doesn't know
. "Girlfriends," I said, trying to hide the pain behind my voice, but I desperately failed. Thanks he was dumb enough not to realize it
. "Yeah, that dude has many girlfriends, so I'll warn you; you guys are best as friends, not together, or he'll ruin you," Haze said, and I couldn't help but remember Ashley words. Can she be right?
...Is he telling me the truth, or is it me who's denying it because I love him? No, no, it's not what I'm thinking, or maybe it is. I took a deep breath before the coach rang the bell. Ashley was too angry at me to speak to me during lunchtime, so I sat all by myself, thinking about Haze's words and Slavvy. I'm going to go crazy for goodness' sake.
The bell rang for after-school activities, and I was walking around a corner when someone held my mouth and pulled me away. I tried to scream, but I couldn't; his hands were not familiar. We got inside the pool room, and Haze put me down. ", you're easy to carry; you know that?" "What the...! Watch your language, man!"
"What the blues!!" I yelled, pushing him in anger. "You scared me," I said, and he giggled.
"It's not funny," I said, still upset. "Sorry, sorry; it's just that you look really cute when you're angry," he said, bursting out laughing
. "Whatever; know why you took me here?" I asked. "Because I wanted to see if you could swim," he replied. "What? You mad?" I yelled.
"No, you keep making excuses, so I figured why not?" "Couldn't you have asked me politely?" I argued.
"You wouldn't have agreed," he said plainly, taking off his shirt .
"Yes, I wasn't but you could have asked," I said, feeling uneasy. "I'm leaving," I said, pushing him away, but he held my hand unexpectedly. "Come on, I won't bite; we'll only take a five-minute swim, and we'll leave. Plus, it's the weekend; there's nothing much to do," he said.
He's right, but he's Slavvy's friend, and Slavvy already has girlfriends, my subconscious mind added, and I rolled my eyes. "Two minutes," I urged, and he smiled. "Two minutes," he agreed. "The problem is I don't have anything to swim with," I said. "You can swim with your underwear and bra," he blurted. "Ewww, no; you can't say that; that's inappropriate," I said,
"Come on, everyone speaks like this," I rolled my eyes
. "Fine, wear my shirt; I don't care; walk bare-legged, unlike you," he teased, and I looked at him, not amused. He stopped laughing. "Sorry," he said, trying not to giggle. I took his shirt and quickly wore it while he wasn't watching. He jumped into the water, and I said, "I'm done." He turned to look at me, his eyes starting from the bottom to the top.
I felt a little shy and uncomfortable. "Wow, it suits you more than it suits me," he complimented, and I smiled, walking towards the water. Can I confess that I can't swim right now? I sat on the edge, and he held my waist. "You'd better confess before you end up drowning," he teased. "Uhmm, I...I," I mumbled, and he looked at me, convinced of what I was about to say.
"I...uhmm, I can't swim," I confessed, and he laughed.
"I knew it, Miss Pretty Face can't swim," he teased, and I just minded the words that he called me "Pretty Face." "I can teach you if you want," he said, now suddenly serious. "I don't know; what if someone walks in?"
"Don't worry we'll be quick "he reassured me. I hesitated for a moment, than nodded.
The water felt a little bit cold but nice..