I've never been a hero before. I'm kinda the opposite of one.
Like a nega-hero. I'm non-heroic. Inheroic. Wait, no, unheroic. I'm an unheroic. No, that sounds dumb. I'm an unhero. A mishero! Aheroic? Nah, none of those sound right...
Buuut I could give it a shot. Sounds like fun to me.
Dangling upside down off a huge skyline crane that's shut down for the night, I scroll through social media with the inverted skyline behind my screen. It sucks, I'm realizing, being the only one not in that jam. The Demigods group chat is silent as the grave. Picking through profiles, I hum to myself as a police siren from down below pierces through the music in my earphones. Singing along to the chorus of Bleach by ZillaKami, I go to my page on Grapevine.
@strmgrl THE most electric tongue to hit Lesbos since 600BCE
I haven't changed my bio in ten years. Can't improve on perfection, can I?
I snap a pic with a wink and my tongue out, the upside down skyline behind me.
@strmgrl: STILL OUT HERE 😈🔥🔥🔥
Likes and comments come pouring in, people asking what's going on, if I'm okay, calling me mean names, insulting me and throwing vitriol, sending love and hate and everything in between. Nothing new. I know better than to let the hate get to me. I know better than to let fucking anything get to me. Being famous is kinda nice. I don't dislike it. The worst is the rumors. Not that I give a fuck about anything. I just block the shitheads and move on with my life.
But damn can words sting.
While I'm sure the corporate police are AI scanning the post to find my location, I continue to hang out and scroll through my friends' pages. I figure there might be some hints and clues about where they–
Oh shit, Uncle Hades is calling.
I pick up. "'Sup, Unc. Miss me already?"
"I often do. Listen. I didn't get the chance to tell you any of this before you bolted off. Few things. First, I don't know how else to say this, but faith in you isn't all that high. Some of the Divines expressed uncertainty that you're really up to the task. Questioned if you'd even be bothered to go out and do it, rather than laze around somewhere and wait for it all to sort itself out."
"I was about to be like, hold up, but that's so true, bestie. My ass is mad lazy. Straight up. Fair enough. I'll admit my flaws. Most of them, anyway."
"That's where the second part takes importance. A legitimate Divine charge now rests on your shoulders, Nicole. You have, quite hastily, agreed to take on a literal quest from the Gods."
"Damn, bro. Quest started. What kinda XP gains am I looking at?"
"Storm, this is serious. It's obviously far more modern in circumstance, but this is the same sort of Divine quest as any of the Legends, Fables, and Heroics from ancient times undertook. Hercules, Theseus, Achilles, Perseus, Jason, all of these grand heroes of legend were conscripted as part of this exact sort of circumstance."
"Wait, wait, wait. I'm on a hero's journey?"
"Yes! You are!"
"Fuuuuck! But I'm the furthest thing possible from an actual hero! I'm an unhero! A–A mishero!"
"You mean antihero."
"Bruh, that's not even a real word. What?"
"Nicole... Suffice to say, you've already agreed to be a hero."
"True! I'll try some heroics! I'm here to slay monsters and bitches!"
"Hells, you're Zeus's girl, alright. That said? You're probably right."
"Ha-ha! Nice! Fuck yeah!"
"Pay attention now."
"Paying!"
"You are bound to this quest. This isn't something you can just walk away from. You have to do it. And your case is very unique for two particular reasons. First, you're working outside of your own Pantheon. If this were a quest from, say, Poseidon? He'd be far more lenient on you if you're tardy, slow, or ineffective."
"Oh, damn. Shit." I flip over to sit up on the crane. "I don't have family grace."
"Exactly. You get it. Second, even worse, you have twelve different Divines expecting you to follow through. Meaning, you have twelve Divines to potentially piss off."
"Yeah, it's sinking in now."
"Good! It should be! You need to understand just how serious this endeavor is. You need to be focused, consistent, and efficient. You need to show results. You need to succeed. You need to do this and do it well."
"Uh! Uh! But Unc, you know I'm a fuck up! What happens if I fuck this up?"
"You're not a fuck up. You've just fucked up many times. As for the consequence of failure, it depends on the Divine. Say you manage to rescue three or four Demigods before experiencing some real difficulties. The Divines you did assist won't take any issue with you. The ones you haven't yet gotten around to will. Does that make sense?"
"Prioritize the scarier ones?"
He laughs a little. "Yes, actually. That would be wise. But I'll come back to the topic of prioritization. I'm going to join you in person here, hang on." He hangs up and a swarm of ravens or crows or whatever swoops in to form his shape, then Uncle Hades is chilling up here in the crane with me. "Oh. Nice view."
"Right? I love to perch. The higher, the better. Hey, can I bum a sm–Naí, efcharistó."
Handing me his pack of [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DRUG USE], Dionysus Reds, he tells me, "This quest is more or less modular. Each Demigod you rescue will clear your contract with their parent Divine. Say you rescue Enid first–"
"Nah, dude," I cut him off, [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DRUG USE] from a flame he sparked with his fingers. "Anna's first. Always."
"That... would be much appreciated," he mutters, lighting a [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: DRUG USE] for himself and looking out over the skyline. "I'm worried about her. Things weren't quite right even before this. I think she's been using again. Which substance, I don't know."
"Shit," I whisper, blowing clouds as my heart sinks. "Anna..."
With a sigh, he straightens up. "If you're going after her first, I'll be the first Divine you deal with. I'll make sure you know what you're doing. But like I said, once you rescue her, if I were some other generic Divine, I wouldn't give a shit if you flunk out later on. Do you understand?"
"Yep. Yep. Uh huh."
"Good. Those of us Divines with Demigods involved in this will be insistent upon your ear. Each and every one of them will want you to rescue their own children next. This puts you in a curious position of power over who gets what they want and when. However, the other edge of this sword is that those you put off until later may be insulted, upset, or displeased. We Gods may have changed over the eons, but one thing remains true. You cannot be everybody's friend. Accepting favor from one may earn you the scorn of another."
"Fuuuck. This just keeps getting worse."
"Here's a piece that will make it better. The other Divines will most likely offer you things or try to sweeten the deal so that you aid them first, and you also have the right to ask for compensation for the service itself. So, with me, I don't need to offer you anything to go after Anna first, because Anna is of course, as you said, always first."
"Gods, she so is. I love Anna."
"Perfection, isn't she? So, you can and should negotiate with me about payment for completing my charge–That is, my portion of the overarching quest."
"So, like, every single rescue gets quest rewards, not the overall quest. I feel you."
"Still not a video game, storm."
"It helps me! Simple terms! I'm relating it to things I already understand!"
"Hm. Fair. Okay, then I'll do the same. You can run demo mode with me."
"Dude. Nice. Wait, but I don't wanna–Like, you're family–"
"Don't do that. You are on a legitimate quest, which means anything to do with a Divine is a transaction. Yes, even your own family. You're doing me a service. I will be compensating you. Likewise, if you seek Divine assistance, you will need to compensate them for it. For example, you and I are close. I would do a great many things for you under normal circumstances. But so long as you are on this quest, it is an exchange. This for that. Quid pro quo."
"Damn. Getting Latin up in here. Pluto would be stoked."
"Listen, Nicole. Let's talk payment between us. I'll be your practice Divine for negotiations, but I am also going to legitimately compensate you."
"Wild. Okay. I think I get it. So? What's my quest reward, Unc?"
"I can think of multiple things, but that's because you're my niece. The other Divines aren't going to be sitting around pondering what gift to get you. You need to start the negotiation. You set the initial terms. What is it that you want from me, Nicole?"
"Uhhh. Anything?"
"Anything. Wealth, power, weapons, abilities, artifacts, whatever it is you desire."
"What about, say, experiences?"
He's quiet for a second, smoking his ciggie. "Yes, even vices."
I gasp and light up with joy. "So I can ask for [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: SEXUAL CONTENT]? From the Divines? With the Divines?"
"Yes. You can ask for anything. Whether they agree to negotiate over it with you is up to them."
"Would I be able to ask for other Divines or just Lessers?"
"The same answer twice. Ask and see."
"Whoa. Okay. Would Nyx [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: SEXUAL CONTENT] me?"
"No, you're far too young for Nyx."
"Okay, wait, is that you declining or would she decline?"
"I know for a fact she would decline."
"Right, right. Okay, makes sense. I am all about consent."
"There you have it. Anyone else come to mind?"
"Uhhh. Styx?"
"Same thing as Nyx for all four Chthonic river Goddesses."
"Damn. Okay, rapidfire. Daeira, Makaria, Melinoe, Gorgyra, Keres, any Lamia, the Furies, uhhh... Is that everyone? All the Greeks?"
"There's the Empousa."
"Mmm... Something about the donkey leg, man... Wait, what about the Lampades?"
"They're Hecate's, not mine."
I gasp a sharp breath. "What about Hecate?"
He pauses to think it over. "I... don't know. Huh."
"Wait, wait, wait, nevermind. I wanna woo her naturally, not as a transaction. She's much too perfect for that. Okay, uh, narrowing it down, maybe a Lamia or two or five, Melinoe, or one of the Furies?"
"You want to put yourself in bed with a Fury?"
"Sounds like a wild ride, dude!"
"Your funeral. Let's see. Megaera wouldn't, she's a definite item with Zagreus and Thanatos."
"Love a good throuple."
"Tisiphone is... I don't want to put you with Tisiphone. Alecto might be interested. I'll see what she says once we part ways."
"Fuck yeah! Gods, I love this quest already! This is the first time in my life I have an actual shot at [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: SEXUAL CONTENT] with a legit Divine! Or multiple! I've dreamed about this forever! Forget power or weapons or money, my ass is going on a cross Pantheon conquest! Holy shit!"
Uncle Hades shakes his head at me. "Are you sure that's what you want?"
"Unc, you vastly underestimate how much I love [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: SEXUAL CONTENT] women."
"Well. At least you're motivated."
"Uh, yeah! I'm gonna knock this shit out if Divine [WEBNOVEL CENSOR: SEXUAL CONTENT] is on the line!"
"So much like your father..."
"I am okay with this similarity! Thanks, Uncle Hades!"
"Don't thank me for this. Giving you to Alecto feels like sending you off for torture."
"Sounds so hot! I may be a stone top, but I will gladly bottom for a Fury! Hell yeah! Fuck! I should get started right now! Besides, Anna awaits! Or–Wait, is there... Anything else, Unc?"
"That's the gist of it," he nods. "You need to do this, everything is transactional, and be very careful about how you proceed. If you need advice, I'm a call away. Please."
"Won't I have to pay you?"
"No, I'm your sponsor."
"Meaning..."
"I've co-signed. I can help in a few ways without it costing you."
"Ohhh. Gotcha. Thanks! I'll totally hit you up!"
"And be sure to stay in touch with your father too. He may not show it very well, but he most ardently worries for you and your safety."
"Yeah... Whatever. I'll try. Are we good?"
"Yeah, storm. We're good. And thank you. I'm sure Anna will be glad to see you."
"I can't wait to rescue the Underworld princess! Off I–Wait, can I bum a few more? I have some but I don't have any way to get more so–"
"Just take the pack. Yours."
"You're the fucking goat. Thanks for everyth–"
The whip of helicopter rotors reaches my ears.
"And that's my cue! Took them a while! Deuces, Unc!"
"See you around, Nicole."
I give him a two fingered salute and a wink with my tongue out, like a silly goofy anime girl, tilting backwards to fall right off the crane.
Oh shit I'm falling to my fucking death!