I had a really peaceful sleep today. Of course I did, because it's my own room — the room that used to be the witness of each and every feeling of mine at that age. The room where I cried, laughed, smiled, hid my secrets, and felt every emotion in my life for the very first time. It's true to say that this room really has a lot of me in it.
Now after coming back to it almost after four long years, it still — it really still gives me the feeling of that teenage Zhao Shiza, who was, who is, and who will always be madly in love with Xu Yuan… and now, my Yuan Yuan.
A smile appeared on my face while thinking about him as always. Once again, he made me forget all the problems in my life and made me think about living in a world exactly the way I wanted it to be. And yes, it might be true that the world I am thinking about doesn't really exist, but there isn't anything wrong in thinking about a world that may not truly exist. If it gives you happiness, then there is nothing wrong with imagining it.
Then I took my phone to check whether there was any message from him on WeChat or any missed calls, but there was nothing.
"Indeed, why do you always forget this, Zhao Shiza? Your boyfriend is the biggest C-drama celebrity, Xu Yuan. He really isn't some ordinary boyfriend who always messages his girlfriend," I said to myself.
Then, by my habit of seeing my Yuan Yuan's face as the very first thing in the morning, I opened Weibo to see today's updates about him on his fan pages.
The moment I opened Weibo, I saw one of his fan pages had posted today's video of him where he came out from his makeup room after getting ready for his new period drama shoot as Fu Yin.
My Yuan Yuan looked so charming. This long ponytail he had for today's shoot, for that period look — he just looked too charming to look away from.
I smiled again.
Then a knock came from outside my room.
"Xiao Shiza, if you've woken up then come outside. Pa made breakfast for you."
I immediately put my phone back on the bed, wore my slippers, and got out of my room.
The moment I stepped outside, I saw Pa sitting at the dining table with three chairs. One chair was occupied by him, while the other two in front of him were empty.
I walked closer and saw the whole dining table filled with breakfast — boiled eggs, porridge, warm milk, my favorite orange juice, steamed stuffed buns, and my most favorite pancakes that he still hadn't forgotten.
I sat on one of the chairs.
A smile appeared on Pa's face and he handed me the pancake, but I refused.
"Pa, now I'm not your little daughter Zhao Shiza anymore. I've grown up. My choices have changed," I said while eating the whole boiled egg in one go with my chopsticks.
He placed the pancake plate back on the table and smiled.
"No matter how much time changes, no matter how mature you become, some habits never go away. You still love your pancakes, and you still fill your mouth with food whenever you're in distress or don't want to face a situation. It's your kindergarten habit and it's still the same. And you said you've changed."
Indeed, he is my Pa.
He knows me too well.
I let out a deep sigh and started eating my porridge.
"Your favorite fruits are in the fridge. I bought them while you weren't here so that whenever you came back, you could eat them anytime. And there is also a huge jar of orange juice in the fridge that I made with my own hands for you. I know how much you crave it, so drink as much as you want and tell me when it gets finished. I'll bring more oranges."
Then he stood up from his chair and was about to leave for his office, but he suddenly stopped midway and turned back toward me.
Before he could say anything, I spoke first.
"Pa, I'm just here for a few days. Then I'll go back to Shanghai. My internship still isn't completed yet and maybe I'll stay there forever and never come back to Chongqing because there is nothing left for me in Chongqing now."
He smiled.
"As you wish, but for me Chongqing will always remain the best city in the whole of China because my Xiao Shiza was born here. Her whole childhood passed here only. This city is filled with your unforgettable memories for me and I'll stay here until my last breath."
Those words felt way too heavy for me to understand.
Maybe this is a father's love for his daughter — something that I may never be able to understand no matter how hard I try.
Then Pa suddenly said:
"Zhao Shiza, I have someone I want you to meet."
"Who?" I asked, a little shocked.
"My business partner's son."
"Ooh... you mean you want me to go on a blind date with him, right Pa?"
My voice immediately carried anger.
"As a father it's my responsibility to settle you before I leave this world."
"Again you're becoming selfish, Pa. For getting rid of your responsibilities you're forcing someone on me."
"I'm not forcing someone on you. I'm asking you to give other people a chance. Maybe you haven't seen many options yet."
"Options?" I repeated.
"Pa, are you saying that my love for my Yuan Yuan is an option?"
I looked at him with teary eyes.
"Indeed you never understood love. You never understood the love between Ma and you, and now you don't even want to understand my love for him."
"You are too naive, Zhao Shiza. I'm worried about you. Those celebrities are not good. You're too innocent for him."
"No, Pa. Again and again, you only understand your own love. You never understand someone else's."
Tears started rolling down from my eyes.
"Our love was always too complicated, Pa. You don't even know how many hurdles we crossed before we finally reached each other."
Then I wiped my tears.
"Okay."
He looked shocked.
"I'll go wherever you ask me to go. I'll meet your friend's son. You're my father and you've done a lot for me since my birth. I may never be able to repay the love you've given me, but at least I can do this much for you."
I looked down.
"But no matter how many people you make me meet, my Mr. Heart belongs only to my Yuan Yuan. It only recognizes his voice, his touch, and his heartbeat."
I looked into his eyes.
"I'm going only to obey you... but that won't change my choices."
"It was Xu Yuan."
"It is Xu Yuan."
"And it will always be Xu Yuan."
Then I walked away from there, entered my room, shut the door behind me, locked it... and there I...