I felt a sharp pain in my heart, then a loud noise, and then nothing.
My name is David, and I died of heart failure while driving to my three-year-long DnD campaign. I was supposed to fight the green dragon again for the third time, mind you. Instead, here I am: dead. And somehow, standing in a place that definitely isn't Earth, in the body of my own DnD character.
That character? Moro, A Level 15 Open Hand Monk and a Level 5 Wildfire Druid. I played him for three years in real life, but in-game, he's lived for seven. He was my favorite still is, honestly.
But waking up as him in the DC Universe? Yeah, that's nightmare fuel. I came to Metropolis's Central Park on March 15, 2010. Worst. Spawn point. Ever.
And boy, was that a rude awakening. A police officer shook me and told me to evacuate. Why? Because a robot stampede was about to crash through the park. Turns out Lex Luthor had lost control of his shiny toys, and now they were charging straight for Superman. "Total accident," Luthor claimed. Yeah, right. Totally believable.
And that's how I got introduced to the DC Universe and its heroes.
Fast forward to June 19. I now work as a bounty hunter and, sometimes, a detective for hire. I've gotten pretty good at it, especially since I have multiple spells at my disposal, my senses are far sharper than those of a normal human, and I can run much faster than most people.
So far, I've been hired by both the police and private clients to track down missing people or hunt dangerous criminals.
But today was different a special kind of job. I'd been hired by a wealthy man named Yon-something to act as his bodyguard. Apparently, he'd managed to get on the bad side of the Cult of the Kobra. Unfortunately for him, he still had to travel to Gotham City for a meeting with Wayne Enterprises, or he risked losing a massive amount of money.
So here we were, in some overpriced hotel room he insisted we share "just in case."
"Is this really necessary, sir?" I asked, eyeing him from across the room.
"Yes," he said firmly. "You don't know what happened to the last guy Kobra hunted. It flayed alive kind of bad."
"Don't worry so much," I said. "Nothing's getting close to you without me knowing first."
"So go to sleep already," I told him.
The next morning, at the meeting, we were greeted by a board of directors. The two businessmen began talking, but I didn't really pay attention; it had nothing to do with me.
Then I felt it, two distinct life forces just outside the window.
"Hey," I asked casually, "do you guys have window cleaners scheduled today?"
The man from the company looked at me, confused. "No, we don't. We get our windows cleaned on Wednesday, I think. Why?"
I looked at Yon and shouted, "GET DOWN!"
He dropped faster than I could finish the word. A split second later, the glass shattered and two red-hooded figures leapt insideone going straight for me, the other lunging toward Yon.
I caught the first attacker's fist mid-swing and hurled him into the second before he could reach Yon, who had already bolted into a corner. Fine by mehe was safer there.
Both of them regrouped and charged at me, aiming simultaneous kicks. They were slow. I dodged one kick, grabbed the other's leg, and drove my own foot hard into his groin. He crumpled, and I used Shocking Grasp to knock him out cold.
The second attacker tried to close the distance, but I flicked a shard of broken glass into his path just as he stepped forward. He stumbled, and before he could recover, I struck him with Shocking Grasp as well.
A few minutes later, the police arrived to collect the two attackers, and we headed back to the hotel. Apparently, the deal had gone well, even with assassins crashing the end of it.
As we approached the room we were supposed to stay in, I decided to be cautious. I whispered the spell Find Traps. My eyes glowed faint blue, and lo and beholdthere it was. A trap, set right at the door. If it had been me setting it, I'd have used either a bomb or knockout gas.
Instead of risking it, we went straight to the front desk. At first, the clerk didn't believe me, but when I explained that Mr. Yon had almost been assassinated earlier that very day, his face went pale. He quickly called the police and the bomb squad. Within minutes, the building was evacuated.
Later, we were told the trap had been rigged with sleeping gas and tranquilizers.
"You know," I said, giving Yon a look, "you're really making me earn every cent of this protection. How about a bonus?"
"You're getting twenty thousand," Yon replied flatly. "Don't get greedy."
I chuckled. "Ha, I guess."
I caught a dart out of the air just as it was about to reach Yon's neck.
It seemed they'd finally given up on stealth.
Five men wearing the same red hoods came running straight toward us. The nearby Gothamites bolted instantly, scattering like they'd seen this beforewell, this was Gotham. They probably had.
Within minutes, Yon nearly joined the fleeing crowd, but I stepped in front of him, blocking his way so he wouldn't get lost and become an easy target.
"I know you told me not to run," Yon hissed, "but now we're surrounded."
"It's fine," I said calmly. "I can protect you as long as you stay within ten feet of me."
The group unsheathed their swords, and Mr. Yon let out a sharp, nervous shriek.
One of them charged straight at me from the front, while another tried to slip around and strike Yon from behind.
I dodged the sword aimed at me, then shot my arm past Yon's face, catching the slash that would have cut him down. Ki flared through my fingertips and wrist as I focused it into a shield of raw strength.
I pulled the sword, and the guy holding it came with it, getting flipped over and slamming the ground.
While I kept a firm grip on the sword in my hand, I channeled ki into the blade and invoked one of my featsGift of the Chromatic Dragon. Lightning sparked along the edge, crackling with power.
I drove the weapon down into the calf of the man on the ground. The shock coursed through him, and judging by how fast he went limp, the pain was too muchhe passed out instantly.
Without wasting a second, I dashed at the swordsman who had slashed at me earlier. I stabbed his leg as well, pouring another surge of electricity through the steel. He convulsed, then collapsed, fainting on the spot.
Reaching into my component pouch, I pulled out a small vine. With a twist of my hand, I wrapped it around my wrist and cast Wither and Bloom. Black energy erupted outward, bursting in waves that tore into the attackers surrounding me. Their cries filled the air as necrotic power spread through their bodies, leaving skin and flesh mottled with the first signs of rot.
Mr. Yon, standing just behind me, was untouched.
After everything that had happened, the police took us and the Kobra thugs for questioning.
"So, you're a metahuman?" one of the officers asked.
"What exactly counts as a metahuman?" I replied.
"Having superpowers."
"Oh. Yeah… then I guess I am."
"Okay, explain your involvement in this whole shenanigan," the officer said.
"I'm just a bodyguard," I answered. "I was hired to protect Mr. Yon, and he promised to pay me. That's all I did."
The officer flipped through his notes. "You sent over seven people to the hospital today. Most of them have burn marks that look like lightning, and the rest look like they haven't eaten in days."
"Side effect of getting electrocuted," I said flatly. "And the sickly ones? That was from necrotic energy."
"Necrotic what?" the officer asked, narrowing his eyes.
"Do you know Giovanni Zatara?" I replied.
"Yes."
"Similar type of magic."
The officer sighed. "Oh, so you're a wizard. Wonderful. You know, my job used to be so much easier."
After a few minutes of questioning and a call from Yon's lawyer, we were released. With his car waiting, we headed back to Metropolis.
"Alright, boss man," I said. "My job's done. I got you in and out of Gotham safely, and you're not dead."
"Yes. Thank you, Moro," Yon replied. "The money will hit your account tomorrow."
And with that done, I went home to my small studio-slash-office on the far side of town, the quietest part of Metropolis.
When I got there, I dropped onto the couch and flicked on the TV to relax.
"Breaking news," the anchor announced, "a metahuman in Gotham stopped an attack today carried out by several hooded figures. The attackers were later hospitalized with a mix of physical and mental damage. We managed to get an interview with the hooded figures earlier."
The screen split, showing shaky footage of four men sitting in hospital gowns.
Reporter: "So, what happened today to land you here?"
Thug 1: "I was told to kidnap some rich asshole who insulted the boss. But then this guy, his bodyguard, I think, kicked me in the balls. I can't have kids anymore!"
Thug 2: "He threw me with one hand. Nerf this guy."
Thug 3: "He caught my sword with his fingers. Fingers! Then he slammed me into the ground so hard I was hearing colors and seeing sounds."
Thug 4: "I was just standing there… then I woke up here. I'm still confused. Wait, am I getting paid for this interview?"
The anchor gave a small laugh before continuing: "And that's all, folks. So, does Gotham have a new hero, or was this just a one-time thing? Only time will tell."
"Ha. If they want me to be a hero, they'd better pay me a salary."
June 30, 5 a.m.
I got a new job today. The client was anonymous, but the mission was clear: get into LexCorp and find Lex.
When I reached the building, I used one of the spells granted to me as a human with the Mark of Passage. Misty Step let me teleport inside, bypassing the cameras entirely. I moved past guards using Pass Without Trace until I reached Lex's office. I've seen him before, and I know how his ki feels, so I knew exactly where he was.
Using Misty Step once more, I slipped into the room and closed in on his bed. I pulled out my phone and started recording.
I removed my gloves, slipped them back on after sanitizing my hands, and whispered to myself, Now to complete the mission.
"I like your cut, G."
Then I smacked his bald head so hard it echoed five rooms away. Without hesitation, I dimension-doored out of there.
Later, I posted the video on MeTube. It blew up millions of views in hours. The client saw it and sent the payment: $30,000. Who even has that much money to throw at a prank?
Lex Luthor wasn't happy. He even put a $3 million bounty on finding who did it.
Of course, I accepted. Using Minor Illusion, I created a fake identity and staged an interrogation video, making it look like the fake me confessed to the prank. Then I faked my own escape on video, of course. Now Luthor was hunting the fake me, and I'd been hired for $10 million to bring him in, alive or dead.
The press had a field day that day.
Breaking News Metropolis Daily Broadcast
"In what might be the strangest news story of the year, footage has surfaced of an unknown individual infiltrating LexCorp headquarters in the early hours of June 30th… and slapping Lex Luthor's bald head. Yes, you heard that right. The clip, now viral across all major platforms, has been viewed over 12 million times in less than 24 hours. The prankster has since been dubbed 'The Bald Bandit.'"
"LexCorp has issued a statement condemning the act and confirming a $3 million bounty for information leading to the identity of the perpetrator. Lex Luthor himself reportedly said, quote: 'This is a serious breach of security… and it's humiliating.'"
"As of now, the mysterious attacker remains unidentified, but one thing is certain Metropolis has a new meme, and Lex Luthor might never live this down."
Scene Live Broadcast, Metropolis Evening News
The camera cut to Lois Lane standing outside LexCorp headquarters, microphone in hand. Behind her, Lex Luthor stood with a visibly forced smile, flanked by security.
Lois Lane: "Mr. Luthor, your company's security was breached in broad daylight this morning. And not just breached, humiliated. Can you explain how an unknown individual walked in, slapped you in the head, and walked out without consequence?"
Lex Luthor: "This is a criminal act. We are investigating, and"
Lois Lane: "Investigating? You put a $3 million bounty on this person. Doesn't that mean you admit it was a huge failure of your security?"
Lex Luthor (frowning): "This is nothing but a publicity stunt, and I will not dignify it further."
Lois Lane: "A publicity stunt that has gone viral with millions of views. Does that concern you, Mr. Luthor? That your name is now a meme?"
Lex Luthor (voice rising): "This is a personal attack on me and my company's reputation! It is unacceptable, and whoever is responsible"
Lois Lane: "Do you believe this was an inside job? Someone with access to LexCorp?"
Lex Luthor (snapping): "We have our ways of finding out, Ms. Lane. And when we do, they will pay dearly. I will not be mocked in this way!"
Lois Lane: "So, Mr. Luthor, will you guarantee the people of Metropolis that LexCorp will fix its security issues?"
Lex Luthor (clenching fists): "Metropolis will see results. But they will also see justice."
The camera cut back to Lois with her smirk barely hidden.
Lois Lane: "There you have it Lex Luthor promising justice, after a slap to the head became the city's biggest headline."
The phone rang. I picked it up and saw Lex on the screen.
"Mr. Luthor, how can I help you?" I said.
"Did you catch him?" Lex snapped.
"Who?" I asked.
"The guy I hired you forIbisal."
"Oh, him. Yeah, I got him. We're at a warehouse near Gotham. I'll send you the location."
"Good. I'll be there in ten minutes."
"Oh, and make sure to bring the money."
Beep.
This motherfucker just hung up on me.
I sent the address and told the team to prepare.
I placed a single chair in the middle of the warehouse and sat down. Using Mage Hand, I tied myself up with a rope tight enough to look convincing. Then, with Minor Illusion, I created a perfect copy of myself standing beside the real me.
Reaching up, I activated the Amulet of Disguise. My hair turned white, my eyes shifted to icy blue, and my skin paled, gaining faint wrinkles that made me look a good twenty years older.
A few moments later, I felt it six presences approaching. Lex Luthor's ki was distinct: sharp, focused, and full of anger. Five others came with him, one woman and four men, all radiating tension as they drew closer to the warehouse.
After a minute, he entered surrounded by his men. Near him was a woman whose presence felt off to me. Her arm didn't feel real; it was like it wasn't truly there, even though I could see it. Probably a prosthetic, and a high-tech one at that.
The fake me spoke first. "You send the money?"
"Yes. It's done," Lex said coldly. "You can leave now."
"It was a pleasure working with you, Mr. Luthor."
The illusory version of me turned, walked out of the warehouse doors, and vanished a moment later, the magic finally fading.
"So you're the man who hit me, huh, old man?" Lex sneered.
"I don't know you, and I don't think anybody would sneak into a highly secure building like mine just to hit me," he continued. "So tell me who hired you, old man."
"I don't know," I said.
Lex smiled a little, then punched me.
"Urgh." I pretended it hurt, and he kept hitting me for another minute.
"You ready to tell me, or should I let my guys be the ones beating you up?" he asked.
"I don't know, dude," I lied.
Still smiling, he gestured forward. One of his men stepped up and tried to hit me.
I leaned back hard, letting the chair topple, and drove my heel into the man's groin. He doubled over. I slipped the loosely tied rope off my wrists, scooped it from the floor faster than the others, and rose, then punched the nearest thug until he went limp.
The remaining three charged. The woman moved in front of Luthor, shielding him, and planted herself between him and me.
I dashed at the first thug and launched an uppercut harder than I meant to; he flew over Lex. For the other two I was more precise: I hooked one's leg, forcing him into a split, then dodged the other's punch, caught it in passing, and drove a strike into his liver. He folded in pain. I followed with a knee to the one who did the splits, knocking out cold.
Shhshh. I heard a sound like a rocket. When I looked back, the woman who was protecting Luthor had no kidding a rocket launcher where her hand should be.
"Are you serious?" I muttered.
She fired. The rocket streaked toward me; I slid to the side, grabbed hold of it as it passed, and with a flick redirected it out the broken window. It slammed into the warehouse across the lot and detonated in a thunderous blast.
"That was dangerous," I said to the billionaire. "You should be more careful with explosives."
I channeled ki into my legs and appeared directly in front of the woman guarding him. With a sharp burst of energy I rendered her unconscious. Then I smiled coldly.
I scooped Luthor up with one hand and sent a jolt of electricity through him until he slumped.
Then I prepared to rob the man some more. Using my phone, I started a live stream on the same account I'd used the first time.
"Good morning, people. My name is Mr. Money, and I love money very much. Because I love money, my second video is about a ransom. My guest is the man from the first videoMr. Lex Luthor though he's unconscious.
"I want thirty million in cash for him. Please and thank you. You can find me at the hideout near Gotham City."
Thirty minutes later the warehouse I was in was surrounded by a SWAT team and a phalanx of police. I heard a voice over a loudspeaker.
"Sir, please let Mr. Luthor go."
"NO."
"Sir, let him go."
"WHERE IS MY MONEY?"
"Sir, you don't have to do this."
"YOU'RE RIGHT, BUT WHERE IS THE MONEY?" I bellowed.
"We don't have it," came the reply.
"THEN YOU DON'T GET LUTHOR. HE'S A BILLIONAIRE. GET HIS COMPANY TO GIVE YOU THE MONEY, GIVE IT TO ME, AND HE LEAVES FREE."
"Do you really think that when you leave here you'll escape for long?" one officer shouted over the loudspeaker.
"YEAH," I snapped.
After several hours of back-and-forth, they finally got the money. They threw it in, just like I told them to. I checked the bills to make sure they weren't counterfeit, then opened the warehouse door.
Guns were raised immediately, but I was already goneteleporting out with Misty Step, over and over, until I was far enough away. Once I was clear, I dropped the illusion, exhaled, and headed home.
There, I slipped the cash neatly into my bag of holding and finally let myself relax.