I'm sorry for ghosting you before.
I know i've said it in my head a hundred times,
but writing it down feels different,
more honest, more final, like i'm finally ready to face it.
Back then, I was scared.
Scared that if i gave my time and effort,
if i let someone see the soft parts of me again,
it would all end the same way it always does
with me being left behind.
So before anyone could leave,
I left first.
It wasn't because i didn't care.
It's because i cared too much, too soon,
and i didn't know how to handle that kind of fear.
I've spent so long taking care of myself,
healing what others broke,
rebuilding the walls that kept me safe.
And the thought of someone, you,
getting close enough to break them again
terrified me.
So i pulled away.
And now, I find myself
living through the very thing i once tried to escape.
The distance, the silence,
the ache of being left wondering,
maybe this is karma,
or maybe it's just life's way of teaching me
that love and fear often wear the same face.
Sometimes, I wonder what would've happened
if i stayed,
if i didn't let my fear speak louder than my heart.
Would things be different?
Would we still be talking now?
But i guess wondering doesn't change anything.
It only keeps me trapped in the same loop
of what-ifs and almosts.
I'm not writing this to blame you,
or to make you responsible for the ache i carry.
This is just me,
laying it all down,
so i can stop holding on to the guilt,
the regret, and the longing.
I hope you're okay.
Truly.
I hope you're finding peace in the space you asked for,
and that life is being kind to you.
Maybe someday,
when the timing no longer hurts,
we'll look back and understand
why it had to happen this way.
Until then,
this is me,
still learning how to be brave,
still learning that love doesn't always mean staying.