"Ivy, you're late." My supervisor is standing in the doorway, looking at his watch.
"I'm only 2 minutes late, Tommy. Give me a break." I walk past him and put down my things at the desk.
"Yeah, well? It's about punctuality." He smiles awkwardly, unfolds his arms into his pant pockets, and walks away.
I work in advertising at a multinational beverage company in Kathmandu. I worked in the New York branch when I studied Business at NYU, but when they decided to open a branch here, I requested a transfer to be closer to home. What perks of being a nerd? You study and work to your bones to eventually be picky about your opportunities.
Thomas and I worked together in NYC, and he taught me a lot about advertising. He's been annoying, but he's a good mentor. He's one of the company's best employees, so I'm unsure why he's here. When I asked him, he said it's cause he loves the mountains. Well, to each their own. I'm glad he's here because I used to have a little crush on him. But, I decided not to go after him as he seemed uninterested and also for "professional reasons."
But, it has been a rough couple of months, and I'd like nothing more than to focus back on my work. Emotions have taken too much of my time. But anyway, today's a big day. We've been working on this new branch's set-up for a year and never got the chance to properly welcome our new employees. So, there's a company party and normally, I don't socialise, but I could use a drink and some social distraction. Maybe talk to a human without having my heart on my knees.
At the end of the day, after all the phone calls and editing of transcripts, we're finally about to be done when I get a phone call. It's from an old friend from school who probably knows I'm back by now and wants to "hang out." Just as I'm debating if I want to answer the phone, Thomas calls out to me, "Ivy! Are you coming? We're leaving now."
"Yeah, yeah. Just a sec." I turn my phone to silent mode and go with him.
The dinner was going well. Everyone was having fun and were drinking and chatting, and there was laughter, the kind I didn't feel I was a part of. Thomas was at the end of the table, just listening to everyone chat and smiling and nodding and nibbling on his food, which I'm pretty sure was too spicy for him.
After a while, the crowd scattered everywhere. Some were dancing on the stage, some were romancing, some chatting like old friends, and some were too drunk to stay awake. I have to get this lot home by taxi because I'm too drunk to drive. It's like I'm a supervisor even at a company party. There's nothing for me to do anymore, so I go out to smoke.
I sat down on the stairs of the back garden door and lit my cigarette. I look at the sky and I cannot see the moon or stars. It's an empty but cloudy sky. When you see such a sky, you know beautiful constellations are hiding behind the clouds, but you cannot do anything but wait for the next night for the clouds to pass. Like a pathetic poet.
As I'm lost in my thoughts, it starts raining, and a person comes out from the alley to go inside. It's Thomas hiding from the world again. He tries to go in from a different door, which I think is a private door for the restaurant staff. I can't help but giggle as he comes back, but I hide my smile.
He sees me when he walks back and looks at the ground with an embarrassed smile. He nods at me and tries to get past me when I stop him.
"Tommy, come sit with me." I pat the stair surface beside me.
"Yeah, sure." He crouches his pants and sits beside me, and I hand him a cigarette.
"Menthol?" He looks at me with a very judgmental look, but takes it anyway.
"Yeah, I like it like that."
"If you're gonna smoke anyway, at least smoke it right." He coughs. "Damn, this is strong. Sorry, I judged you."
"Yeah, you just need the right brand when it comes to menthol cigarettes."
"Okay, there, smoke expert."
"What's up, Thomas?"
"What do you mean, what's up?"
"Just you know how everything's going. We've never had a real conversation since we got here." It could be the booze-talking because I'm somehow making a conversation.
"Yeah, we were never that close."
"That's true."
We smoke away the awkwardness, and I wonder why I even invited him to sit with me. I felt like he needed a friend more than a colleague because he was always working. He's always there at social events, and I see him smile and hold conversations with people. He's there physically, but his mind is somewhere else, and I always wondered what's going on inside his pretty little head.
"Why did you transfer here? You could've gone anywhere. And I'm not kidding. You actually could've gone anywhere in the world. Why here?" I look at him, and he's looking at the rain.
"I told you. I love the mountains."
"Ugh, forget it. I was asking a serious question."
"I am serious. People have different interests in life, Ivy, and no one needs to understand everyone. And I don't expect you to either."
"Wait, so you're seriously here for the mountains?"
"Well, yeah. I have taken a short 5-day trekking trip every month since I came here. I don't have enough time to climb the mountains, but trekking to the base camps and hills is good enough for now."
"OH. That's why you always work on weekends and then vanish at the end of the month. That makes so much more sense now."
"Yeah. That's what I do. Being close to the mountains here is nice, and I don't plan on staying here forever, don't get me wrong. I have plans." He sighs as he stares into the distant rain.
"I feel like we haven't been taking enough advantage of being Nepalese." I scoff at this ridiculous fact.
"I don't know about that. I told you everyone has different interests, and the closer you are to the sea, the bigger the mountains seem, and the closer you are to the mountains, the wider the sea looks."
I'm stunned by his thoughts. I had never thought like that. This person I admire; there's so much more to him, and I can't help but want to know everything. Maybe I'm just drunk, but I look at him and he's starting to look more... beautiful.
"So, what are your plans, though? If you don't mind me asking." I try to hide my admiration for him and talk like a regular colleague.
"Well, I know I'll do well career-wise because I've always been a capable person. But someday, I'd like to build two houses. One is when I visit my family in New York, and the other is in Austria, where I could retire."
"Why Austria?"
"My family's from there, but they moved to America before I was born. When we visited, I used to think, why would they ever leave? The mountains give me the sense of belonging that no corner of this world ever could."
He looks at the garden into nothingness, and as the outdoor lights turn on, I can see his sad blue eyes with glimmering hope in them. I look at him immensely, and he looks pretty. He looks at the cigarette and looks at me; my heart skipped a beat.
"What about you? What's your plan? I mean, I know you're here to be closer to home, but what's next?"
"Um uh." I cannot look at him, so I look down, my face flushed. "I don't have a plan, but I just want to be happy someday."
"What do you mean? Happiness is an emotion, not a plan."
"I know it sounds ridiculous, but all my life I've been sad and empty. I don't remember most of my childhood, but I hope those were the years I was happy in case I never get the chance."
"Trauma. I get it." He nods to himself as he drags another puff.
"Yeah, I guess that's what it is. I have erased my childhood, and now all I can remember is the bad times since the beginning of my consciousness."
"Ever tried remembering it?"
"Oh yeah, I have. Multiple times. But my therapist says I should stop looking for it in the past and try to look forward to it in the future."
"That is what you should be doing."
"I'm trying." I sigh and I feel like I have more to say, but I hesitate because it isn't the right time or place to be talking about what's going on inside my head. My legs are shaking, and I feel like an anxious little child. So, he puts his hand on my knees to stop them.
"It's okay, Ivy. You can talk to me. I've known you for five years now. If one of us were a social person, we'd be best friends by now." He's trying to lighten the mood.
"You think?" I smile a sad smile with tears in my eyes.
"Yeah, definitely."
"It has been years now that I've felt this way, and I feel like the more I look forward to good things, the worse things keep happening. Things that are out of my control. If I could, I'd let go of this burden, but healing is a tough job when you have to be there for your broken loved ones." I rest my head as I hug my knees and stare into nothingness.
I choke as I talk, trying to stop the tears from flowing, but it doesn't. I'm trying hard not to wail. "-Cause you know, they also need to heal and- you can feel their pain but you can't do anything anything about it." He pats my shoulder to comfort me.
"It's okay. It's okay. You cannot control everything, Ivy. It's okay."
I spring up to wipe my tears. "That's the problem. Why can't I control everything? I'd heal people like this?" I snap my fingers.
"Yeah, I know you would." He keeps brushing my shoulder and hands me a handkerchief. "You're a kind person, and that's why you're in pain."
I'm sobbing with his arms around my shoulder, my head on his, and I cannot tell what look he has on his face as he looks at me. After a while, he looks away at the sky as I wipe my tears. He gets up and looks at me with the kindest smile I've ever seen.
"I know if you learn to give yourself even an ounce of that kindness, you will be happy someday." I look back at him with my eyes red from all the crying and nod at him with a smile.
"Come on, now. Let's show those drunk fucks some kindness and get them home. I need your help. There are too many of them." We share a faint laugh.
"Yeah, okay. I'll be a minute." I rub my eyes and put out the cigarette.
He nods and walks away.
I wipe my eyes once more and sigh as I get up to see that it has stopped raining and the sky is clear. I see one star shining in the dark, empty sky. It's magnificent.