IVY
Cassian didn't say a word to me, he stood at the the door peering at Lucian. His eyes darted to the pills between his legs and then to my face and my bandaged arm. I expected that Lucien would ask him a question, his whereabout or something, but then I thought they had a world around silence. Cassian only downed a glass of milk, then walked to the bed at the left side of the room, jumped on it and pulled the covers over his head.
As much as this cold behavior from my step brother hurt me, I couldn't help the feeling that something was not right. Of course, Cassian was usually withdrawn and reclusive but I had this unshakable inkling that something was bothering him.
But he wouldn't speak. Even if he was questioned, he would stomach the whole matter and seek means to solve it without burdening anybody. When we still lived together, I would sleep beside him, or write poetry for him. I missed that life, I missed Cassian.
"It's time for your shot Ivy, this one will make the migraines go away, and you will sleep better tonight."
Without moving my eyes from cassian, I mumbled a 'go ahead to Lucian' and he rose from the bed. I didn't know whether Lucien's grape was a soft as he'd claimed or whether my mind had been distracted, but I didn't feel the needle go in and out of my flesh.
"It's all done now. You will feel better by morning."
"Sure thing."
I watched as Lucian gathered the medical implements into a box, then he reached for a shirt and headed to the door.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"No where really," he answered gently. "I'm just going outside for a cigarette. Wouldn't be proper if I clouded the room with smoke."
"Oh, okay then."
After he'd closed the door behind him, I waited until he'd gun a few steps away before hoping of the chair and dashing towards Cassian's bed. I could hear him breathing, and without further thoughts, I lifted the bed sheets and crawled into the bed with him.
I expected him to shout and bawl, but Cassian only remained still, breathing gently with the velvet bed sheet over his head.
"Got into a fight again stepbrother?" I began. "You ass got beat up. Or was it the strip club you visited?
"I still don't fuck whores, and you know that." His voice was raspy, and edgy. I could feel the weight on his chest, if only he would speak to me. If only he would trust someone.
"But you were fucking Maria, it showed in her actions this morning."
"Oh someone sounds jealous." His voice finally lightened up.
"What the hell, I don't. I just don't like to be in trouble. I got an anonymous scholarship to this school and then I'm determined to make the best of it. Who knows, maybe I would go to law school and set up my own practice. It's my dream you know. Becoming a politician and ruling America, you get?"
"Of course I do. You were always winning class elections, you were quite the writer too. Your speeches always got to me."
Those words brought a smile to my face and the memories began to replay in my mind.
"You know, we used to do this," I said, "but you would rather die with your secret Cassian.
Your quite insufferable step brother."
"Go to sleep ivy, I am not interested in these talks."
"But you are always looking out for me," I teased gently. "You did so this morning, and I didn't fail to catch the glint of worry in your eyes when you looked at my bandages. You are more human than you think Cassian, and I will always care about you. Een though you ran away from home and abandoned your little sister."
"You should stop saying that. It makes my head ache."
"What about your heart?" I scooted closer to him, making sure I could feel his skin which was surprisingly cold. "Does your heart not ache with guilt or unease. I fell into depression after you left and things only got worse from there."
"But you know I also don't have it easy Ivy." He was quiet for a second, his emotions hanging in the thick air. "I failed my grief therapy test. I started having nightmares about my dad and the accident again. I felt constrained and suffocated. I'm not sure I know how to describe."
I bridged the remaining gap between us now, and place my head on his chest. He was rock solid, the scent of sweat commingling with his perfume. The cold on the skin began to thaw, and I could feel warmness taking over with each breath he drew.
"I know how you feel Cassian." I whisper against his neck. "I'm your best friend, I've seen every side of you."
Cassian pulled me closer, one hand encircling my waist, the other gently on the small of my back.
"You know Ivy, my head didn't hurt, and my heart wasn't aching. It was actually beating, beating for you."
"What?" I raised my head to look at his face. "How, I don't understand."
That question was all it took for my step brother to snap back into his psychotic state. Is through the covers of our heads, and hurled himself out of bed, heading straight to the door.
I didn't bother to repeat my question or ask what he was going to do. There was this pain I felt every time he locked out on me like this and he undoubtedly enjoyed it.
For once, my heart and my soul were tired. I had situation to worry about and it was enough to last a lifetime.
*****
The guys advised me to stay home, but missing classes and falling behind lectures was not my thing. I defied them and got up to school the next morning. Right from the entrance I could feel a thick layer of tension in the atmosphere. These gossipy guys were yet to relent. But I soon found out, there was a new gossip flying around and no one would ever believe what it was.