Basel, April 1941.
-What would you like, sir?
-I'll take a beer.
I understand that Ruth wants to discover what's going on inside my head, but she will never be the same again. So yes, I killed Jews, and many of them, but it's not as if I had a choice, and besides I felt no pleasure in killing all those people, I'm even disgusted by it.
How could I say that to Ruth? Ahh well Ruth, I killed Jews like all the other German soldiers. She will hate me like all the others, and I don't want to end up like them.
-Excuse me?
I turn my head and catch sight of Paul.
-What are you doing here, at this hour, in a bar?
-I could ask you the same question, Heinrich?
-I needed a beer.
-I can see that.
-And what are you doing here?
-I needed to get out, I can't stand being stuck in the apartment anymore.
-I understand.
He hands me a cigarette, I grab his lighter and we begin to start a conversation.
-I love Suzanne very much, but if Ruth isn't with her, she does nothing but brood, since the death of our son, she doesn't really have a reason to live anymore and I can no longer live in such an empty atmosphere.
-I had no idea Suzanne was like that, it's really thanks to her that Ruth feels better.
-Yes I know, but she's only like that with the two of you.
I take a drag and take another sip of beer, I'm also in the mood to brood. Paul continues to explain the reality of his relationship, and he truly seems sad, just like his wife. And in fact it's exactly the same for us, we're just as sad behind closed doors.
-Tell yourself that it's not any better for me and Ruth. I said, releasing the smoke from my second cigarette.
-How so?
-I'm clearly here because of an argument with her.
-Oh well, welcome to marriage.
-Well the worst part is that we're not even married yet, so I don't think it's going to go well.
-Try, you still have plenty of time ahead of you to decide.
-I think it was a very bad idea to ask her to marry me.
-But what happened for you to change your mind?
-I did horrible things, Paul, and I don't want Ruth to find out, so I hide my past from her.
-You know, I don't have a shining past either, but Suzanne knows absolutely everything, because for a long time I was eaten away by guilt and talking to her about it helped me, you should do the same.
-Do you think telling Ruth that I killed Jews would make her happy? I said, whispering.
What I just said shocks him and he ends up becoming mute, I should never have told him anything.
-You see, that's the kind of reaction I expect from Ruth, but worse.
-I'm sorry, but that reaction is normal, do you realize that you're going to have to tell a 19-year-old woman, who has lived through hell, that she's going to marry someone who killed people from her own people.
-Yes, I know, that's exactly why I don't want her to know, it would ruin everything.
-I think you should still talk to her, maybe not now, but you feel bad, don't you?
-Horribly.
-That shows that you're not like them.
Everything he just told me makes me think, what if he was right? But I'm still too afraid of hurting Ruth, I don't want to lose her a second time. I love her too much for that.
…
A place, February 1940.
-Heinrich, move your ass, you've got work to do.
I hadn't realized that I had dozed off against the wooden post. I'm so exhausted from walking, it's been days and days that we've been walking alongside the Jews. Who are in a pitiful state.
I never stopped searching through the crowd to see if I recognized Ruth's face or that of her family. I began to lose hope when I saw some soldiers dividing them by clan.
-Heinrich, you have to take care of that group there with Yorg.
-Alright.
I turn toward the group he shows me and head in that direction. I've never been a fan of Yorg, he's very violent and not only physically but his words are also very unpleasant to hear, he has no compassion for these people. Whom he considers nothing but trash.
-Heinrich, perfect. Take care of this part, we have to take them to Siegburg.
-Okay, I'll stay in the back.
The hours passed very slowly, they can't take it anymore, they're all exhausted from lack of energy. I can't believe I'm a soldier, they probably see me as a villain even though that's not what I am, it's not what I want.
-Move faster, bunch of shit.
A gunshot rang out, my gaze was drawn to the left, a soldier had just shot one of the Jews. Despite that, we kept moving forward, leaving the corpse of that person on the ground.
A few hours later.
The wind was blowing harder and harder, since all this, I feel like the sky has never been beautiful again, the weather reminds us of our actions.
-Heinrich, we're stopping, I'd like to smoke a pipe, you stay here to watch them.
I sat down on the side of the road, a silence filled the landscape, I wished that all this was nothing but a horrible nightmare and that I would wake up soon. The Jews began to make more noise than usual, I start moving closer to them to find out more about this sudden commotion.
I saw a young boy who must have been my age, in the center, who had hidden a piece of bread between his hands. The others were trying to take it from him.
-Calm down, right now!
Despite my tone, none of them calmed down. I grabbed the piece of bread and raised it high in my hand and silence returned.
-Now, I'm asking you to be quiet, and that's an order!
All eyes were fixed on me, while I was looking at the young kid from whom I had taken the bread, he was so thin that he couldn't stand straight. One of them grabbed my arm, then another, I could no longer stand properly. I didn't want to hurt them, but I couldn't let go of my weapon, and I didn't want to use it.
They only wanted to eat, but I couldn't let them because I myself risked being killed, I no longer know what to do. They began to become more and more violent and started tearing my clothes. My head was spinning, my arm was shredded by the scratches of their nails. And then, all of a sudden. Silence, my weapon was raised, the others let go of my arm, while my gaze was locked on him.
I had just shot him, he was lying there, his eyes were still open, he was looking at me, at least that's what I felt. In a surge of rage, my weapon went off. I had just shot the two who had jumped on me for the bread.
-What the hell are you doing, we told you to watch them, not to kill them, idiot, we're not authorized to do that, at least not yet.
Nothing came out of my mouth, I saw Yorg's lips moving, ordering the Jews to step aside. I am realizing what I've just done, those three men lost their lives in just a few seconds.
…
Basel, April 1941.
Those memories have haunted me since that day, I keep seeing the eyes of that boy, and because of my fault, they were all exterminated because I dared to say they attacked me, that's why I was transferred to the women's section, I didn't know Ruth was there. It was only when I saw her that I told her I had transferred to see her, it was nothing but a lie.
-I really advise you to talk to her, you did everything to protect her, she'll be angry with you but she will surely forgive you.
-Precisely, if she doesn't forgive me, I refuse to lose her, because without her, I am nothing but a killer. And I wouldn't be able to bear that.
He takes a drag on his cigarette, not knowing what to say, he turns to face forward and says nothing more.
-Listen Heinrich, I don't know what else to tell you, except that we all have a past, try to forgive yourself because I am certain that Ruth will, she loves you, don't forget that. He says, placing a bill on the bar.
The sound of his footsteps disappears after a few seconds, I slipped my head into my hands, to find just one tiny second of peace.