I regret nothing. It all should've happened to bring us to the point where we are now. I only regret never telling you how much you meant to me. When I was a teenager, I dreamed of Safe Hill as I was reading about the lost treasure of Solomon's Knights. And some years later, there I was, standing on top of that mountain, looking over the Zhironda. I dreamed of the Gothic architecture of Velence as I was studying Arts, and the next moment I sailed through its turbid waters, absorbed by the febrile mist of the lagoon. But I never thought I would marry an assassin and become one myself. You were against my involvement in your missions, but it started with you leaving your spare gun in the glove box that night. And thank God, you did. Although, it kept you from death's embrace only for a short time.
I always wanted to know if you ever felt something more than just friendship for me. But then again, how can you develop feelings for a woman you've known just for a few months? I was introduced to you as your colleague, and shortly after became your fictitious wife. It was all strictly professional. I've no right to blame you for indifference or cluelessness. I should've said. I should've asked. But I didn't. I couldn't. You know why? Because we're a damaged, cripple generation.
The reluctance.
The impotency.
How inherently the West has infected our mentality with their poisonous propaganda! We're unable to believe in true love without any conditions, without any prejudices, without any perversions! We're impotent to care for each other selflessly. They brainwashed us to think that sex and money was all that mattered, and if you didn't agree with that you were just a sentimental fool everybody mocked and ignored.
I am that foule sentimentale. I always was. There was a time when I gave in blindly to my emotions and released that passion upon people I thought I loved, with all the sincere brutality of youth. But it turned out they didn't need that. They didn't want my love. They didn't appreciate my sincerity. They didn't value decency because they indulged in immorality. It took me some time to accept that. In order to preserve the radiating light inside my heart, I had to mute it down and replace it with an outer apathy. That's how I survived.
And then I met you. You were the healing force that calmed down the all-consuming rage inside me. Every time you looked at me, every time you talked to me, I felt overwhelmed with joy. I couldn't wait to see you and when I did, I didn't dare to look at you afraid you'd notice how happy I was just because you were there.
No matter what they say or what you might think of it, I don't consider my marriage to you fictitious. It's the only marriage I ever had. And what a marriage that was!
I guess it's easy to come clean in a moment like this, but it doesn't matter anymore. It's not like I could change anything with my belated confession. But still …
I love you, Volodja.
I love you with the intensity of a magnetic field and I'm afraid its force will crush me. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you this before. Although, I had plenty of occasions to …