I came awake to the buzz of my phone lighting up.
My head ached, mouth dry head buzzing as I sat on the edge of my threadbare mattress and stared at the bag shoved in the corner.
I rolled off the bed, blazer tossed across a chair.
It used to mean something ... that blazer.
I wore it to interviews, meetups, proud. Now it hung limply, more decoration than badge.
My laptop, too, was covered in dust. The keyboard had waited weeks for fingers I'd stopped letting hover over it.
My phone lit up with an email: "We notice you haven't submitted in the forum challenge. Your streak has ended."A small note, but I felt more shame than relief.
Once, I was making tools, solving problems, helping people online.
I had a name unknown to many but feared or respected in certain corners. Moderator bans I overturned, bugs I exposed, codes that worked.
That was me.
Now, I missed deadlines. Emails from professors, bosses, Stella unread. I dragged the blazer on, headed out.
I sat stiff in Lecture Hall 1A.
The blazer felt tight; class felt tighter. The professor asked who wanted to present their code demo next week.
My heart skipped.
I was supposed to present. The code wasn't done. I'd missed writing the module I promised. My fingers itched to open my laptop, to build, to fix.
But I didn't. I stayed silent.
A classmate asked if I was "still into coding" lightly, teasingly.
I forced a laugh. Lie.
"Yeah, just busy." Busy losing everything.
Lunch break was over. I retreated to the back alley to catch breath, lean against the bricks.
Bag at my feet. I convinced myself that if I focused on the project, maybe I wasn't drifting yet.
Then I saw him: an older student I know well coordinated, project in hand, laptop shining, purpose in his step.
He laughed with friends.
Doesn't have to work two jobs. Doesn't have chaos at home. I hardened. Jealousy, regret. That should've been me.
I began doing my supposed to be completed project but instead of it..I opened my email and typed a series of paragraphs and hit the send button.
I had just applied for a break in my semester.
"Ineed to get my life back...mum would hate this version of me right now.