"FOCUS, YOU COSMIC BUFFOON!"
Seraphina's shriek rattled the walls of Apartment 2B so hard the lightbulb flickered.
Kazuo didn't even flinch. He was sitting at the kitchen table in sweatpants, slurping instant ramen and lazily thumbing through a manga.
"Mm," he mumbled around the noodles, "good broth today. You put extra seasoning in this, or is that just divine despair I'm tasting?"
Seraphina slammed a golden clipboard onto the table. Papers flew like confetti. "This—" she jabbed a talon at the documents, "—is your training schedule. 'God Training 101.' You are the Creator of Earth, the Lord of All, the Alpha and Omega, and somehow you have the attention span of a goldfish on sedatives!"
Kazuo glanced at the clipboard, then back to his ramen. "Neat. Can I get a passing grade if I just nap through the class?"
Seraphina twitched so hard a feather popped loose. "NO!"
She stomped across the apartment. The living room had been transformed overnight into what looked like a bizarre corporate seminar. Folding chairs lined up in neat rows. A projector screen stood against the wall with the words WELCOME TO DIVINITY: EARTH EDITION splashed across it. Someone—Seraphina, obviously—had even made a PowerPoint.
Beside the projector, a chalkboard listed bullet points in aggressive handwriting:
Basic Smiting
Creation Fundamentals
Miracle Conversion (Water → Wine 101)
Divine Paperwork Efficiency
Kazuo squinted at the board. "Paperwork efficiency? I thought I was God, not an accountant."
"You WERE God," Seraphina snapped, "and you ran this planet like a lazy frat boy runs a group project. My job is to make sure you remember how to god properly, so reality doesn't collapse in on itself. Now get up. Training begins NOW."
Kazuo slurped the last of his noodles, dropped the empty cup onto the Sacred Heap in the corner, and stood with a stretch. "Alright. Lemme see what I got."
Training Attempt #1: Smiting
Seraphina positioned him in front of the window with a stern glare. "We'll start simple. Focus your divine will. Picture a target. Command lightning to strike."
Kazuo raised a hand lazily. "Alright. I smite… uh, that potted plant."
The plant immediately withered, exploded into ash, and then spontaneously grew back—bigger, angrier, and somehow sporting fangs.
It roared.
The neighbor's dog started barking.
Seraphina screeched. "Not LIKE THAT! A smite is supposed to be precise, not—whatever THAT was!"
Kazuo scratched his head. "Eh. Looks cooler this way."
The plant lunged for him. He flicked his wrist again, and the plant combusted into confetti. Unfortunately, the same divine spark ricocheted into his bedroom—obliterating his entire sock drawer.
A faint cheer rose from the hallway.
"Oh, for the love of Heaven," Seraphina groaned. She peeked out the window. "Why are there PEOPLE chanting again?!"
Down below, the ramen cult had gathered. They were on their knees, bowing toward the apartment. One man shouted, "BEHOLD! The Lord hath smote his socks! A holy sacrifice!"
Kazuo sipped his soda. "At least someone appreciates it."
Training Attempt #2: Creation
Seraphina dragged him back to the projector. "Fine. Smite later. Let's try creation. You'll start small. Picture… a kitten. Soft, harmless, fluffy. A creature of innocence."
Kazuo yawned. "Sure, sure. Kitten. Got it."
He snapped his fingers.
A kitten did appear… for half a second. Then it split into twelve small Roombas, all with glowing eyes and tiny meowing noises instead of beeps.
They immediately began whirring around the room, cleaning up ramen crumbs, knocking over furniture, and bumping into Seraphina's shins.
She shrieked. "WHAT IS THIS?!"
Kazuo beamed. "They're kittens, see? They meow. But they also vacuum. Two birds, one stone. Efficiency!"
One Roomba climbed onto the Sacred Heap, raised a sock like a battle standard, and beep-meowed. The others rallied beneath it. Within seconds, they formed a miniature parliament, scrawling demands on sticky notes:
More outlets for charging.
Union recognition.
Mandatory cuddle breaks.
The leader beep-meowed into a baby monitor: "Workers of the Dust, unite!"
Seraphina buried her face in her hands. "You accidentally created a proletariat appliance uprising."
Kazuo leaned against the counter, watching fondly. "They grow up so fast."
Training Attempt #3: Miracle Basics
Seraphina was pacing in frantic circles. "Okay, okay, we can salvage this. Just—just perform the classic miracle. Turn water into wine. Even YOU can't screw that up."
Kazuo picked up a mug of tap water, shrugged, and swirled it lazily. The liquid fizzed.
A second later, the mug overflowed with Red Bull.
The ramen cult outside went silent for one stunned second before exploding into rapture. "HE GIVES US THE ELIXIR OF WAKEFULNESS! TRULY HE IS LORD!"
They chugged it immediately. Ten minutes later, they were scaling lampposts, drawing Heap graffiti on passing buses, and proclaiming the arrival of a Caffeine Age.
Seraphina pressed her forehead to the wall. "I hate my life."
Kazuo sipped the Red Bull experimentally. His eyes widened. "Whoa. That's actually good."
He downed the whole thing in one go, then stared at his hands as they started trembling. "Oh. Oh no. I feel like I could run around the planet twice and still have time for a nap."
"STOP DRINKING YOUR OWN MIRACLES!" Seraphina screamed.
Training Attempt #4: Paperwork Efficiency
By this point, Seraphina's hair was frazzled, her feathers bent, and her clipboard chewed at the corners from stress. She shoved a stack of divine forms into Kazuo's hands.
"Final task," she growled. "Sign these. File them. Don't blow them up. Just DO. THE. PAPERWORK."
Kazuo squinted at the forms. "'Request for Authorized Miracle Use, Subsection 23B'? 'Disaster Avoidance Liability Waiver'? …Yeah, I'm not reading this."
He signed every page with a doodle of a cat.
Seraphina screeched. "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU JUST—"
The floor shook. A glowing portal opened in the ceiling. Thousands of cats rained down, meowing furiously.
Kazuo's face lit up. "Holy crap, best paperwork ever."
The cult outside howled with joy. "BEHOLD, THE LORD'S COVENANT OF CATS!"
The Roombas, now fully unionized, charged into the flood of felines and attempted to herd them. The cats hissed, clawed, and rode the Roombas like chariots.
The hallway erupted into chaos—again.
Seraphina collapsed into a chair, clutching her chest. "I… can't… anymore."
Kazuo scratched a kitten behind the ears, grinning. "Hey. I think I'm getting the hang of this god thing."
Seraphina stared at him like she was seconds away from stabbing herself with her own quill.
"Hopeless," she whispered. "Completely hopeless."