Seraphina had officially lost her mind.
Kazuo had suspected it the moment he walked into his living room and found what could only be described as a celestial boot camp. His coffee table had been converted into a lectern stacked with scrolls, clipboards, and something that looked suspiciously like a PowerPoint projector powered by holy light. His rug had been replaced by glowing chalk circles filled with equations. And Seraphina herself stood in the center, dressed not in her usual pristine robes but in some kind of militarized angel uniform—shoulder pads, gold stripes, the works.
She blew a whistle so loud the neighbor's cat yowled three apartments over.
"Creator Kazuo! On your feet! Today you learn how to control your divine power properly, or so help me I will file a complaint so thorough the Heavenly Auditors will chain me to a cubicle for eternity!"
Kazuo stared at her. His pajama pants had cartoon ramen bowls on them. He was holding a half-eaten bag of shrimp chips. "…You realize you sound like my old gym teacher, right? And I failed gym. Twice."
"Then today, you will pass!" Seraphina snapped her clipboard open. "Lesson one: Miracle Push-Ups!"
Before he could object, she pointed her pen. A glowing yoga mat appeared at his feet. The mat shimmered with faint stars, galaxies blinking faintly across its surface.
Kazuo scratched his head. "That looks like the Milky Way."
"It is the Milky Way. You'll be using it for resistance training."
"Excuse me?"
"Drop and give me twenty universes!"
Kazuo blinked at her, looked down at the mat, then back at his shrimp chips. "…No."
Seraphina's wings twitched. "Creator—"
"Nope. Too early. My noodles haven't even digested yet. Also, push-ups are hell."
"You are GOD!"
"Exactly, which means I get Sundays off." He popped another chip into his mouth. "That's in the Bible somewhere."
Her clipboard snapped shut with enough force to generate a shockwave. "Fine. Lesson two!"
In the blink of an eye, the yoga mat dissolved into mist and reformed into a miniature thundercloud hovering at eye level.
"Today you will smite with precision. We'll start simple. That sock drawer over there—obliterate it."
Kazuo turned. His sock drawer stood innocently half-open in the corner, socks spilling out like multicolored worms.
He squinted. "Why the hell would I smite my socks? They're the only ones I've got left without holes."
"Because it's training!"
"Because it's wasteful!"
"Because you can't keep tripping over your own divine negligence!"
"Because—" He pointed a chip at her. "—that drawer holds my lucky ramen-eating socks. No deal."
Seraphina inhaled sharply, clearly trying to hold back the urge to scream. "Then smite something!"
"Fine," Kazuo grumbled. He waved a hand lazily toward the sock drawer. "Zap."
The room vibrated. Light flared. For a brief second the air smelled like ozone and instant noodles.
The sock drawer remained untouched.
Instead, a cockroach that had been crawling across the floor froze in place, glowing faintly gold. Tiny, shimmering wings sprouted from its back. It buzzed into the air, chirping in some holy frequency before zipping out the window like a divine jet fighter.
Kazuo blinked. "…Did I just bless a roach?"
Seraphina dropped her clipboard on the floor, face in her hands. "Hopeless. Absolutely hopeless."
Kazuo munched another chip. "Hey, maybe that little guy's off to spread the good word."
"Lesson three," Seraphina muttered, her voice dangerously low.
This time, she conjured a table covered in pristine clay. A sculptor's wheel spun to life in the middle. "Creation training. You will fashion life from dust and spirit. Something simple. Perhaps… a rabbit?"
Kazuo leaned back against the couch. "Pass."
"Creator."
"I already got too many responsibilities. Rent, noodles, Netflix queue. I don't need a rabbit too."
"Make. The. Rabbit."
With an exaggerated sigh, Kazuo shuffled over and slapped his hand into the clay. He closed his eyes. "Alright, bunny rabbit, hop into existence."
The clay trembled. The wheel spun faster. Light flared again.
When it stopped, there wasn't a rabbit.
There were twelve Roombas.
Each one beeped in unison, their glowing eyes turning toward Kazuo. Then, as though pre-programmed by divine destiny, they formed a perfect circle around him.
One rolled forward, beeping three times.
Another projected a holographic sign that read: UNIONIZE NOW.
Seraphina's scream rattled the ceiling. "NOT AGAIN!"
Kazuo scratched his head. "…Huh. Guess I created a workers' movement."
The Roombas began chanting in robotic tones. Equal pay, equal charge! No more crumbs without regard!
One of them bumped into his ankle like an angry puppy.
Kazuo bent down and patted it. "Fine, fine. I'll pay you in dust bunnies. Happy?"
The Roombas beeped approvingly.
Seraphina looked like she was on the verge of spontaneous combustion. "They've unionized instantly! How do you keep doing this?!"
Kazuo shrugged. "It's a gift."
Her hands shook as she picked up her clipboard again. "Final lesson. Miracle basics. If you fail this, I swear I will drag you by your ramen-stained collar to the Heavenly Courts."
She placed a cup of water in front of him. "Turn this into wine. Simple. Classic. Do not mess this up."
Kazuo eyed the cup. He smirked. "Piece of cake."
He tapped the water with his chopsticks.
The liquid fizzed. It bubbled. It shifted color—first pink, then neon red.
Seraphina leaned forward. "Yes! Yes, that's it!"
The cup suddenly rattled, shaking violently before erupting in a geyser of fizzy liquid. The smell of artificial cherry and caffeine filled the air.
Kazuo reached out, caught the spray in his mouth, and swallowed. His eyes widened.
"…That's Red Bull."
The Roombas beeped excitedly and immediately began circling faster, as if turbocharged.
Seraphina looked like she might pass out. "You've… you've given wings… to literal machines."
Kazuo burped, wings of light briefly flickering behind his back. "…Tastes pretty good, actually."
And then it happened.
He sniffled. Once. Twice.
Seraphina's eyes widened in horror. "No… no no no no—"
Kazuo sneezed.
The sound wasn't a sneeze so much as an extinction event.
The walls shook. Windows shattered. The Roombas were blasted into orbit.
Above them, the sky split open like paper tearing in a storm. An aurora of impossible colors streaked across the heavens, visible across the entire world. People from Tokyo to Timbuktu looked up and screamed. Dogs barked, babies wailed, oceans trembled, and one poor guy dropped his entire ice cream cone in despair.
Kazuo sniffled again, wiping his nose with his sleeve. "…Guess I'm allergic to training."
Seraphina fainted on the spot.