CHAPTER 4: EXOPLANET PROPOSAL
Aron's Tuesday evening was supposed to be quiet. A simple night of working on his personal projects while the System sorted through its endless data. That plan was shot to hell when a frantic, dejected Leonard showed up at his door.
"She's mad at me," Leonard said, his face a mask of misery. "Penny. She's really mad."
Aron opened the door wider, letting Leonard in. "What happened?"
Leonard flopped onto the couch, a crumpled mess of despair. "It's our 'monthiversary.' You know, a fake anniversary for every month we've been together. I forgot. Again. And this time, she got me a present. A signed copy of a comic book I've been looking for. And I got her... nothing." He buried his face in his hands. "I'm a failure."
Aron felt a ping in his head, a signal for a new project.
[SYSTEM: SOCIAL ALGORITHM: CONFLICT/RESOLUTION PROTOCOL: PENNY-LEONARD. SITUATION: SOCIAL MISCALCULATION. RECOMMENDATION: DEPLOY IN-PERSON APOLOGY. RATIONALE: OPTIMIZING SOCIAL BONDS.][SYSTEM: CONFLICT/RESOLUTION PLAN: STEP 1: ACQUIRE TANGIBLE APOLOGY TOKEN (CHEESECAKE). STEP 2: DELIVER TOKEN WITH INTELLECTUAL, BUT HEARTFELT, DECLARATION. STEP 3: CONCLUDE WITH PHYSICAL AFFECTION (HUG).]
Aron stared at the System's plan. It was so clinical, so logical, so completely devoid of human emotion. And yet, it was also a perfectly sound series of steps.
"I think I have a plan," Aron said, surprising himself with the words. "But it's going to be weird."
"I'm with you," Leonard said, looking up, a flicker of hope in his eyes. "I'll do anything."
The plan was simple enough. They went to the Cheesecake Factory—because of course they did—and got a cheesecake. Leonard was still a nervous wreck, but Aron felt a strange sense of confidence. The System had given him the blueprint; all he had to do was follow it.
They walked to Penny's apartment, the cheesecake box a symbol of their absurd, last-ditch effort. Leonard was pacing outside the door, his hands shaking. "I can't do this. She's going to yell at me. She's going to use that disappointed voice."
Aron put a hand on his shoulder. "Just follow my lead."
He knocked on the door. Penny opened it, a stern look on her face. Her arms were crossed, and she was clearly trying to stay mad.
"Leonard, what are you doing here?" she said, her voice a flat line of passive-aggression.
[SYSTEM: CONFLICT RESOLUTION: STEP 1. DEPLOY APOLOGY TOKEN.]
Aron shoved the cheesecake box forward. "Penny, Leonard would like to compare your beauty to a newly discovered exoplanet, 55 Cancri e, whose molten surface glows with an incandescent brilliance."
Leonard's eyes went wide. He looked at Aron, a silent scream in his gaze. Penny's eyebrows shot up. She looked at the cheesecake box, then back at Aron, then at Leonard.
"Are you... trying to flirt with me via exoplanet?" she asked, a deadpan look on her face. "Because I'm gonna be honest, that's a new one. I'm more of a Saturn girl, with those rings. You know, 'cause I'm a keeper.'"
Leonard's shoulders slumped. The System's plan had backfired spectacularly. The genius, logical, beautiful plan had fallen apart the second it hit reality.
[SYSTEM: FLAWLESS EXECUTION. SOCIAL CREDIT GAIN: HIGH. RATIONALE: ACCURATE SCIENTIFIC COMPARISON.]
Are you kidding me? Aron thought, a sharp, exasperated wave of disbelief hitting him. It was a total bust! He looked at Penny's amused, unimpressed face, and a new, more organic plan formed in his head.
"The System has no sense of humor," Aron said, a small, weary sigh escaping him.
"What?" Leonard whispered.
"I said," Aron repeated, louder this time, "the System has no sense of humor. This was all its idea. The cheesecake. The exoplanet line. It's a robot in my head that thinks it can solve human problems with logic, and it's terrible at it."
Penny's face changed. The annoyance melted into surprise, then into a genuine, rolling laugh. She covered her mouth with her hand, a full, belly laugh that filled the hallway.
"Wait, what are you talking about?" Leonard asked, confused.
Aron just shrugged. "He forgot your monthiversary. I'm sorry. He's been stressed at work. He's been thinking about that job ticket you mentioned. He's been so worried about his own stuff that he forgot yours. He's a mess, but he's a good mess. And he didn't need a stupid robot or a cheesecake to tell you that. He's a good guy. He just needs to get out of his own head sometimes."
Penny's laughter subsided. She looked at Leonard, a new, softer expression on her face. "You were thinking about your work ticket? And you're a good mess?"
Leonard nodded, his eyes wide. "I was. I am. And I'm really sorry."
Penny smiled, a warm, genuine smile. "I'm not mad anymore, you big dork." She walked forward and wrapped him in a hug. "And Aron? Your robot in the head needs to get some new hobbies."
Aron watched them, a sense of satisfaction settling in his chest. The System's plan had failed, but his own, spontaneous, human words had succeeded. The logic was useless. The empathy was everything.
He walked back to his apartment, a new understanding settling in.
[SYSTEM: CONFLICT/RESOLUTION COMPLETE. SECONDARY OBJECTIVE: SOCIAL-CREDIT-GAIN VIA GENUINE COMMUNICATION. STATUS: ACKNOWLEDGED. RE-CALIBRATING ALGORITHMS. NOTE: THE EXOPLANET LINE WAS A FLAWED DATA POINT.]
Yeah, you got that right, Aron thought, a small, genuine smile on his face. The System was still learning. And so was he. He was a human with an alien inside his head, and he was finally learning how to use it right. Not for pranks, not for cheesy lines, but for the one thing it couldn't compute: being a good person. The next day, he knew he'd have to figure out a way to get Leonard and Penny to patch things up, and this time, he'd be on his own. It was a terrifying, but exciting prospect.
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