'Next!'The cashier yelled.
'Apologies', I murmured as I hurriedly emptied my shopping cart and waited for my groceries to get scanned and make payment. I didn't realize I been standing there frozen, staring at the conveyor belt like it might swallow me whole, until the cashier's sharp voice yanked me back into reality.
Three years ago, my husband, Kayden, had to undergo a major surgery where he had his testicles removed. Ever since then, his sex drive has significantly decreased, and he has ceased to be intimate with me. Every attempt to make him make love to me has failed woefully.
We've been married to each other for ten years; we started dating in our senior year in high school. Although we didn't attend the same university, Kayden schooled in the north, while I stayed back in the south. We never failed to meet up at least twice a month all through our time in college. I always enjoyed traveling to his school. We'd have lots of fun, and lots of sex — anywhere and everywhere. It was thrilling and exciting.
Two years after college graduation, we got married and we've been living together ever since. We agreed to work and focus on our respective careers for at least five years before we started having children, however, our agreement didn't hold for long. I got pregnant two years later and we had triplets.
I cried myself to sleep every night after we found out we were going to have triplets. Having one child was hard enough, how are we supposed to care for three. I hated and blamed myself for everything, but Kayden was always there to calm me down. I'd call myself ugly, fat, all sorts of names. I never for once liked the way I looked when I was pregnant.
'I love you and everything about you'. He'd whisper in my ear, hug me and pat me on my back till I fell asleep. He never made me feel alone, he was there always.
Six months maternity leave wasn't enough time to nurse our twins —unfortunately, we lost one of the triplets the same day I had them. I had to quit my job and then became a full time mom. Kayden worked full time and even took on another job at a restaurant and worked night shifts.
I never imagined myself being a full time mom, I was the 'IT' girl since high school. I was envied by lots of people, especially girls. I could swear I'd become a super model someday. But here I was, changing napkins, cleaning the house, cooking meals — I hated my life.
At the time, not only had I severed ties with my family, I also moved to a different country with my husband, because my parents were never in full support of my marriage due to Kayden's background. He was from a not-so-well-to-do family and my parents believed that I deserved better. My father was a well known surgeon before he passed and my mother, a rich heiress. I could choose not to work for my entire life and still live comfortably, but I didn't. I wanted to make a name for myself, I wanted to be with Kayden.
One evening while I was making dinner, one of the twins started crying. Just as I was trying to calm her down, the other began to cry as well. I became weak, confused and frustrated. I lost control and I just couldn't handle it anymore. My hands trembled as I scrolled to her number, one I hadn't dialed in years but never deleted. The screen blurred with tears, but I pressed call anyway, my heart hammering like it might escape through my ribs.
'Mom, I need help.'
There was silence on the other end for a moment. I almost thought she had hung up.
'Finally,' she whispered, her voice trembling, 'you remembered you had a mother.'
Tears rushed faster down my cheeks. I hadn't spoken to her in years, yet her tone carried no anger, only a tired sort of relief.
'Mom… I can't do this anymore,' I blurted, my voice breaking. 'The kids, Kayden, the house… everything. I feel like I'm drowning.'
'Where's Kayden?' she asked, her voice firmer now.
'At work,' I replied. 'Always at work. He's barely home. We need more money now than ever before'.
'I'm coming over right now,'my mom said almost immediately.
'What??'
'Yes, you heard me. I'm taking the next available flight'.
I closed my eyes, clutching the phone like it was my lifeline. For the first time in months, I felt a flicker of relief.
My mom's arrival that year made our lives so much easier. Though her hostility towards Kayden never changed, she showered love and affection on her grandchildren. She was there to help me for weeks, and when it was finally time for her to leave, she hired a nanny to support me which helped me get my life and also my career back on track.
'That'll be 79 dollars.' The cashier said, bringing me back from my thoughts. I handed her my card and just as she was about to swipe it, I remembered I hadn't picked up bread.
'Oh! Shoot. Please give me a second, I need to get a loaf of bread.'
I rushed to the bread aisle to pick a gluten free bread. As I was about to grab a loaf, a couple walked past me, hands entwined, heads tilted toward each other in easy laughter. I clung to my purse harder, a dull ache spreading through me. It had been years since I felt that kind of closeness, the kind that comes so naturally you don't have to think about it. Kayden and I used to be like this. We were always all over each other whenever we went out.
I shook the thought off, forcing a smile for the mall guide who was helping people locate respective aisle and shelves. But deep inside, something restless stirred — something I could no longer ignore.
I picked the bread and headed back to the checkout counter.
'That was fast.' The cashier commented
'I shop here regularly, I know my way around.' I responded with a smile.
She scanned the loaf of bread I added, swiped my card, then put all my groceries in two separate bags.
'Thank you for shopping with us, have a wonderful day.' She said with a smile as she handed the bags to me.
'You too.' I responded as I collected the bags from her and made my way to the exit.