Back home at the Lycan's estate, everything felt like a blur. Kaid busied himself with pack meetings, territorial reports, and letters of allegiance — an alliance between werewolves and lycans. He did not really give himself time to rest.
I came up to him after one of his endless meetings. "Kaid, let's have a drink later tonight. I am finishing work early, and I see that your last appointment with the Mayor will be done at 8pm."
Kaid smiled and nodded.
"You look like you've been run by a train," I traced my fingers along his stubble.
He did not return my joke. He sighed and held my hands on his cheeks, "And you are beautiful as always, my Lady."
Later that night, I waited for Kaid in the back porch, one of our favorite spot to drink. The wind was chilly, and I asked one of the maids to turn on the heater.
Kaid walked up to me. He wore his favorite black knitted shirt. I could smell his scent mixed with his soap fragrance.
"You look better after a shower," I smiled to him, handing him his whiskey.
"Did you have dinner? I didn't see you in the dining room just now," asked Kaid.
"Yes, I did. I had dinner quite early."
"I thought I could have dinner with you," Kaid pouted.
I swirled my gin and laughed.
We talked sweet nothings, tiptoeing the hard subject we had to talk about.
"Kaid, love, you cannot avoid your feelings forever, hoping that it would go away on its own," I started, "You remind me of your father, refusing to talk about his feelings and worries."
"Sorry."
It's easy saying sorry, isn't it, Maxine growled in my head.
"Don't be. Feelings are normal. We just have to work through it to sort it out," I commented rationally.
"Sorry, I do feel guilty."
Ugh, he kept saying sorry, boring. I felt Maxine rolled her eyes.
"Kaid, I know you were looking for Zia, or Zara, all this time, and finally finding her already married to another man — her fated mate — must be hitting you really hard. Don't feel guilty for trying, or helping her," I assured him.
Kaid avoided my gaze. I knew he felt totally uncomfortable talking his feelings out loud.
"I decided to let her go, that's what matters now," Kaid finally said.
"I heard that, but you still love her," I replied, restraining my tone so not to sound accusing.
For a while he didn't give me an answer.
"I really thought she was gonna be my fated mate."
He put his glass down, stood up, trying to find his excuse.
"Trin, I didn't know why I did all of that. Looking back, I didn't even know if I would make it back from the Dragon's Realm. I... would not ask you to stay for me."
"Kaid, don't push me away," I tried keeping a cool head, "I will be here as long as you need me. We talked about this. Who would've thought, the only Alpha Ball you decided to attend was indeed the one roller coaster that had made the past year maddening. But it happened. We are where we are now."
"God, I wish you would be mad at me. It's easier if you just scream and hurl things at me. I don't know what to do when you're being so calm and distant. Trin, I... I... I must have hurt your feelings..." Kaid fumbled in frustration.
"Of course I am mad at you. You did hurt my feelings....and my pride. But seeing you like this, really breaks my heart," I admitted, "and I was not chosen as your Lady Companion to fight for my place. I was chosen to help you find your way."
"I'm afraid I would hurt you again."
"My King, if one day, you finally found your mate, or I found my mate — however impossible that would be — I would gladly accept her, and I hope you would gladly accept him. If that ever happens."
We did talk about this, during the early years of my companionship.
"It has been....almost 14 years..." Kaid contemplated.
"Exactly. We have been through thick and thin for so long. 14 years, Kaid. No mates anywhere in sight. So, I will still be here as long as you need me, and to be honest right now I need you to be with me."
"I can't possibly ask you of that. Not until I figure this out, Trin." Kaid looked at me in disbelief.
He was bethroted to Zia Gold when he was only eight years old. When Zia got missing, his father assumed the little girl must be dead. So when his mother, Queen Faye died of illness, his father stepped down, crowned Kaid, and chose me to be the new Lycan King's companion. We were only teenagers back then, little did we know how things turned out so many years later.
"Stop pushing me away, I have to honor your father's death wish. To stick with you until you find your own queen," I spoke as plainly as I could muster.
Maxine growled within me. You are lying through your teeth, Trinity. It is more than just honoring the late King's wishes. Kaid is so going to get mad.
Indeed I could see Kaid simmering in anger. But I was angry too.
"That's a low blow coming from you, my Lady. You are out of line," Kaid could barely control his voice.
"Am I?" It's too late to stand down now.
"If you are only here to honor my father's wishes, you are free to go. You can do whatever it is you want, even leave the estate, I will not hold you back. But I am going to assume you said that out of anger," Kaid tried his best to compose himself.
He finished his drink, and turned his back on me, "We are not in the right mind to talk about this. We are too angry to do this now."
He started walking away. My heart sank.
He was right, I heard Maxine said. You need to clear your mind too, Trin.
I swirled my drink absentmindedly. What do I do now?
-----
My mind started reeling in my conversation with Zara the other day.
"So, finally I get to meet with the infamous Zia Gold," I smiled at her. She was so young and beautiful. "You are as powerful as you are stunning."
Her lips curled, knowing I was indirectly pointing out her ancestral power.
"And you were born with a curse, Lady Trinity," Zara smiled back tentatively.
"That makes two of us, I presume, Lady Zara. Does Kaid know you were reborn to complete a mission? You are deliberately inviting people to join a possible bloodbath."
"You know more than you let on, Lady Trinity. I can see why Kaid kept you by his side all this time."
"I mostly tended to the King's business ventures. Regarding political matters, Kaid has better people for that."
"Still no reason why he was keeping you from us," she said.
"I think he was trying to charm you. Bringing a lady companion would defeat the purpose."
"I...I...didn't see that coming. I was too focused on Snow. Kaid was so irritating at first..." she stuttered.
"But somehow he grew on you."
"To be honest, he did. He was one of the best thing I found in this chaos. I am grateful for him, although I could never return his feelings nor repay my debt."
"I see."
"I hope I didn't get in the way between you two, Lady Trinity, as complicated as it was already being his Lady Companion."
I chuckled to ease the tension, "It is very complicated, but we are used to it."
"Forgive me for asking something rather personal. Were you, by any chance, his lover?"
"Our relationship was not easily understood by many people," I admitted, "but I did not become his Lady Companion to fight for the Queen's throne. It was so much more than simple love."
"On again, off again, I guess not?" she smirked.
"Oh, yes, and so much more." I spoke impassively.
"I just want Kaid to be happy...and I hope you understand why we needed the Lycan's Kingdom to unite the werewolves and the lycans. The world as we know it might collapse."
"Should Kaid and the council decide to support you, so will I. But you need to understand that people talk behind our backs. You were his betrothed, and your best friend is Richard's mate. We cannot risk people thinking our decision was sentimental."
"Understood."
"And let me worry about Kaid. You already have a lot on your plate, Lady Zara."
I nodded at her, and left. Yet the conversation weighed on my mind.
Could her magic see through the past I have buried so deeply?